The year in review.... Part I

This will always be remembered as the year that my life changed, mostly for personal reasons.

Mom passed away after years of fighting against cancer. A relief for her but I must say I realised that there are many things that I should have done but didn't do for her. At times, I will still quietly do things like greeting her goodbye when I leave for work and "talking" to her when I walk past her framed picture. Don't think I am crazy but at times I really wished I have done more for her, especially in terms of material comfort. Really, I wished I had provided her a better and more comfortable home for her to live out the last days. Alas, she really left in a hurry.... As what my dear always tells me, make sure I don't make the same mistakes that I don't want repeated.... Hopefully, I will always keep that in mind.

On the other end of the scale is of course my dear. What to say? Her presence really changed my life. Never would I imagine that I will actually get involved with another girl, let alone someone as young, someone as smart, someone as kind-hearted as her.

True, ever since we got together there most certainly were times when I was worried; worried if I had incurred her wrath, worried if I had made her upset, worried that I didn't do enough to make her happy, worried when will she come out of her "cold" mode etc. Really, there were times that I was waiting for her to throw in the towel and said it is over. In the end, she changed. I definitely can feel that she has changed and became very accommodating because she loves me very much, so much that she is willing to accept my character flaws. All I can say that I am forever grateful and will never abuse her trust in me as promised. I will always be a faithful and loving boyfriend (and future husband) to her. Honestly, I don't think I am as sensitive and attentive as she wants me to be but I must say I have tried and is still trying.....

Just do it....

Home sick...... Have been suffering from diarrhea for the past 3 days now and finally the body looks to be healing.

I just feel so irritated the past several days, not by my illness but rather by the fact that work is never far behind me even when I am sick. I don't like this kind of lifestyle at all. Never in my life would I envision that my adult life would turn out to be one endless loop of work-work-work with short intermissions in between.

Well, just do it.... Just resign.... Just do something different with Princess.... While I may not be the smartest of people and earn the most of money, I most certainly won't go hungry earning a lot less than now. At least I will be leading a much more balanced life and hopefully happier and longer.

Just do it.

OK, I am LAZY, I admit it....

Yes, I do admit that I am becoming lazy and not performing my duties as a committed boyfriend should do. However, I must re-iterate that my feelings for my princess remains unchanged. She is still the love of my life and my precious, that I can vouch with my life.

It is just that I get so comfortable around her that I just tend to laze around and then do my stuff.... Again, upon reflection I really think this is wrong of me and I am glad that she pointed it out and hope that she does so forever but in a loving tone.

OK, I must never take her for granted..... Must really redeem myself....

I really love her lots....

To my faithful readers

Just like to say thank you to all my faithful readers of this blog! I love you (all)! Forever will love you (all)! Haha.... YOU know what I mean....

I will be back.... after lazing around for another few weeks or until you bug me again.....

It is raining on this evening of 20th Nov '07; a slow evening (by choice) in Singapore.

On a roll....

Guess tonight is a very good night for me.... Really makes me wonder what sort of life I have been living for the last few months..... Only work and no play?

Listening to my fave HK radio station after so long an absence. So refreshing to just soak myself in the music, in the live talks, in the discussions. Maybe I have been absent for too long, so long that I have forgotten some of the lessons that I have learnt in the past. Life is not supposed to be so bad. I can still make something out of it, can't I?

Money isn't everything. I know that (but for some reason even my baby don't believe me). I just need time. Time to do all the things that I like and love. I would love to do that.....

Next time, I will get my bluetooth headphone and try it out at baby's house.

My rusty Jap

There is a certain calm in me today. After last night, this is really a very welcomed feeling. Not sure if it has something to do with what I accomplished at work today or just feeling good because I feel Princess's presence with me or just everything. Work still sucks but it sucked in a good way today.

Rusty old Japanese needs some brushing up. Guess it again time to head back to the books. One word at a time, one phrase at a try, one sentence at an attempt..... Little by little.... I still have at least 40 years' to do so.

Or my piano.....

The Rubik's Cube

Finished watching the movie today. I wouldn't say I was totally inspired by it but I guess it does show that every you want in life, you got to earn it through hard work and perseverance. At times, I don't know where or what my motivations in life are but most certainly I am very sure if I had tried harder or had more confidence in myself, I would have achieved much more. Maybe I am on the wrong side of youth but I guess it's never too late to start sometime. Hey, going by the smart alec government's logic, I will have a 1 in 2 chance of living beyond 85. Guess it's still not too late.....

2 minutes blind folded.... Wow, that would impress anyone, including my babe.... Wow! She would probably allow me to make babies with her right away if I can demonstrate that kind of brain powers.... Wow! Must be one of the most amazing feats I have ever seen in my life.

In pursuit of happiness

What a lousy day..... gotten bullied at work, dead tired, tons of work to do. To top it off, a car almost crashed into me for no reason. Really, I have not felt this low for a long time now. Much worst than any other time this year. Much worst than any other time last year. Much worst than any other time the year before last.

I need my baby to love me right now......

I miss my baby....

I am still in love after 6 months.... Still very much so. Still very much happy with my choice of life partner.

I know things have not been ultra smooth during the last couple of months but I would really term those as growing up pains than incompatibility. Granted there were moments that I really wondered if I had made the wrong choice (again) but those thoughts didn't last long at all. Everytime I will come up with the same answer.... Yes, I do love this baby of mine....

Ever since I started having dinner and staying over at her place, I think I have gotten much more confident of this relationship so much so that I am be lazy in expressing my affection to her. Yeah, I am probably guilty as charged but frankly I still think of her in those quiet moments of the night or when I watch her sleep beside me. Just my baby beside me....

I miss her.... so far away in Shanghai..... Baby rest well, OK?

The house....

I have said it more than once that I missed my old house..... Even though it was very much dilapidated by the time I moved out of it, I still feel a very deep sense of attachment to it.

It was the house that I practically grew up in. Some great and happy years very early on while the ones after my teenage years were tough with the parents struggling to bring in money. Unfortunately, my stupid dad didn't cherish the 2nd chance bestowed upon him and chose to squander the hard earned money during the 2nd wind in the mid 90s.

I must admit I always chose to run away from the problem during those bad last few years. Just wanting to avoid hearing the bad news in the hope that things will turn out better for a 3rd time. It was never meant to be, I guess and my source of joy and pride was no more.

No one in this world can understand how it felt inside of me when I eventually had to leave the house. I was powerless to do anything because I had stupidly gotten married and more stupidly bought a flat that was too big without studying my finances. If only I had been wiser, I would be able to react much, much better and probably saved the house and also my happiness too.

It was indeed a great pain to see my siblings and mother suffer just because of what my dad did. Till date, I still feel a sense of guilt for not being able to let my mom die in a house that befitted her contribution over the last few decades. Looking at my current situation, I wonder if I will also disappoint my Princess for not being able to provide the best to her.

That's why I miss my old house. It would have been great to move from childhood to teenager to adulthood to fatherhood and so on in the same old house, no matter how delapitated it may be.

A lazy Tuesday

It's been a long while since I am home alone on a weekday evening doing my own stuff and without Princess by my side. Well, I am home (relatively) early at before 9pm and she is away for ballet.

Kind of tired after a long day at the office and just want to relax without stressing myself out with office work. I really think that 13 hours of office work is dedication enough and no one can blame me, including the Gods, for taking a rest at home.

Looking at my blog entries for the last two months show just how much my lifestyle has changed. In the past, no matter what, I would probably be able to find some time to enter a blog every other day or every few days but really that has not happened for a long while now. It is obvious that it's not because I have slacked but because I spend a lot of time with Princess.

Princess..... Oh my Princess. It is fair to say that she has brought me a lot of joy and purpose in recent months along with those little moments of sadness and frustration. I guess it happens in all relationships but at the end of the day, I hope she recognises that I am playing my part in making this relationship work to perfection. Seldom you will find two person who are most willing to just sit home and rot away for a full day without blaming the other party for being boring. Yet, there are times when her sense of insecurity can cause me to be stressed about how to make her happy again. Give and take as I have learned. No one is perfect least of all me so I really try. I can tell that she tries on a lot of occasions too so I don't blame anyone on those little trip ups because I was also guilty. At the end of the day, as long as I feel happy and she continues to show her affection towards me, I am sure this is still the right one for me.

Yeah, I really need to write more into this blog. It is kind of a waste to see it dwindle down to nothing in the long run.

Lazy

As much as I would like to say I am a very disciplined and motivated person, there are times when I would like to just sit back and relax and laze around and do absolutely nothing....

Tonight is probably one of those days. I have cleared most of my emails on Saturday and this Sunday (though since a lot of other commitments to do) and thus I can afford to just sit back and really relax a little.

Ever since I became the lowly manager of my department and found myself a dear girlfriend, I do not have much time to just sit around and be my old self. Not saying this is a bad thing but most certainly I do want to just sit around and rot my day away. Alas, there is probably not possible for some time to come because time has indeed become a very precious and scarce commodity in recent times.

Still hate my job because it's a never ending cycle to complete jobs and commitments. Princess has rightly said that I am probably just complaining but still not motivated to look for another job. Yeah, that is true. Just hate myself for feeling lousy while it is MYSELF who is not moving.... So paradoxical... Just plain lazy or just lacking the courage to move?

My relationship with Princess is probably back to an acceptable loving level but yesterday I was a coward for not saying hello to a colleague (who is her ex-colleague too). I felt so bad.... Why should I be worried if I am no longer married? What has past is in the past so why so I still avoid.... Really should have slapped myself there and then. However, I must really, really thank my Princess for being so benevolent and didn't even blame me for reacting in such a manner..... I must have disappointed her there and then..... Stupid me....

Hopefully, in the very near future, I will earn, save or even strike Toto (wishful) to get enough $ to buy a good house for Princess..... Love her very much...

Am I the culprit?

Princess has commented that I have not been updating my blog for a while and this is (partially) true. In recent days, there have been more friction between Princess and myself and I really wonder if this is because the honeymoon phase is truly over and expectations have begun to change on my (and maybe her) part.

I did think through this but does it mean that I have changed in terms of how I see Princess now? Well, it's not a matter of whether my love has changed or not, that is still intact the way I see it. It is probably how different I view her now. Maybe I am taking her for granted? Maybe I am guilty of being inattentive?

Anyway, I will elaborate more on this the next round because I need to go to the office now. But I wonder, the fact that I squeezed out 5 minutes of my early morning to address one of Princess's concerns does really mean that I listen to her and act upon her wishes, doesn't it? Hmmm....

One last thing, I promised my Princess over and over again to get my resume done but I have yet to deliver. I truly hate this because I have disappointed her (and myself) too many a times. I promised to sweat blood to get it done during her business trip but yet I have not completed. This is totally my fault and I apologise to Princess....

Love my dear very, very much... I still hopes that she will marry me on of these days....

Logging off now.

One and only Baby Princess

I guess my baby kind of misunderstood what I was trying to tell her about her importance to me..... Let me repeat myself in this blog.

Baby Princess, you are my one and only love and NO ONE can compare to you. Absolutely no one.... Love you always, dear.

Actually, what I was trying to put forth to my baby is that I am a different person now. If I am indeed the man that I am today back then, I would have kept to my commitment BUT it is a paradox like I told her because Princess was the One who (finally) taught me and make me realise the true meaning of commitment. Without Princess, I won't be who I am today and thus back to square one. Period.

I hope Princess won't be upset anymore. If she were to read the file again, I did say that she is the better (in fact, the nearest to best) fit for me. With her, I feel I have found a soulmate to talk about things and she would be able to reciprocate in a similar manner. Without her now, I am totally and completely lost..... She is indeed special to me unlike what she is concerned about. She is not asking for too much, it is the truth that she is very, very special to me.... Kiss her for being such a dear to me and such a positive influence to my life.

And why wouldn't I see her as special? She said that I have made her feel "a lot more loved and treasured" but again, she was the One who has opened my eyes and mind. If being "enlightened" doesn't make me do such loving things, doesn't that make it contradictory? Hmmmm..... that's what I would have thought so.... haha....

Princess did make a difference to me... If not for her, I would still be staying at the same spot not knowing what it means to be a true soulmate and life partner to someone.

I am truly and honestly looking forward to a very happy and fulfilling future with her. We have gone car window-shopping and now it is home (not house, but a home for us...) window-shopping... Hopefully, I will continue to earn good $ and provide her a comfortable living. In my heart, I really want her to be my happy Baby Princess......

I am so blissful now..... if only the same is happening for my job then I am truly in heaven.....

I am thankful to whoever is up there.... cross my heart.

Building a future

I see many people around me earning big bucks nowadays and wonder if I am missing out on things. Really, I have slogged for over 10 years now and I still have nothing to show. No multi hundred thousand $ bank accounts, no house, no BMWs, no high paying jobs, no nothing.... Am I being greedy? I don't know. I'm already 40-yr old and will probably start a family with princess in another year or two years' time. Will I be able to provide Princess a life that she probably want? Four children and a MPV, a good home etc, will I be able to do that? I certainly hope so.... I don't want to let Princess suffer from a lack of comfort living. Am I stupid to not have joined in the foray? But it is not in my nature to be in a rat race for wealth. Guess I am not destined for a wealthy lifestyle, am I?

Princess cries....

Coming back from a Sunday outing this evening, Princess was in my car bidding me a goodbye before she leaves for work assignment in India tomorrow evening. We will not be able to see each other for the next two weeks.....

Embracing her in my car, I felt a wet patch on my shirt and then it came to me that Princess was crying.... That really breaks my heart........ I don't really know how to comfort or console except to give her the re-assurance that the weeks will pass in a blink of the eye and we will be able to spend one lovely weekend in KL the following week because I will go up to KL to meet her.

In my heart I know that I cannot ever let my Princess down for whatever reasons. She has become very attached to me and I know that without a doubt. I am determined to put my past behind me and to never ever repeat the mistakes that I have made in the past. To me, she represents my future happiness and I will do my best to make her happy....

Horrible headache now.... maybe due to the lack of sleep or just plain fatigue.... Got to go to bed early tonight.

Don't cry, dear. I know you have me in your heart. I promise that I won't disappoint you.

Alone

Tonight feels kind of like those that I had experienced in the past.... one of being alone and nothing to do. Princess is out with friends and I am home alone doing things that I have not really done in a while, like watching TV for instance. Really, it's been quite a period since I had last watch any MediaCorp serial from start till end.

Wonder how life would become (again) if Princess is not in my life? Probably I will really leave Singapore for somewhere else because I feel bored here.... Or it is bored with my job? Just don't feel happy doing what I'm doing now because the work is never ending. No sense of satisfaction doing the same things over and over again. But frankly, other than knowing that I should not be in my current lifestyle, I don't have any idea where should I be or what I should be doing for a lifelong and satisfying job. Maybe teach? Maybe study again? Japan? Cash out and move away? No clear answers.

Lonely without Princess with me... Just had a shot of DOM and feeling some slight effect now. Maybe just switch off the lights and sleep and wait for another boring and unfulfilling day? Sigh, Princess is the only bright spot in my life now but still we have to stay apart until things become clearer with her parents.

Honestly, I will be stressed meeting her parents but got to start somewhere, don't I? There is no hiding from the fact that she can't just revolve around my life. I also need to be fair to her too. Always hate the "Meet Parents" sessions.... stressful.... but.....

Sleep....

Sunday

Well, I was "ridiculed" by my girlfriend for writing a crappy and worthless blog on Saturday..... Haha... I do admit it was short and straight to the point but I must be given credit for being concise, right?

Sigh, my dear dear will be leaving for job assignment the Monday after next so how do I keep in contact with her during her absence? Actually I don't quite know for sure. Long distance calls are at least $0.30 per minute which makes long chats almost impossible. If internet connection is not free then IM or Skype won't be cost-effective either. Besides, don't think it's convenient for her to lug her notebook to India either..... I still think an ultraportable or internet tablet is the best choice....

Had Japanese dinner at the Miramar this evening and my dear paid for it. Have to really, really thank her for being so generous with me..... Sometimes I still don't know why or what I did to deserve such a good girl like her... She really does shower me with all her love and I can most certainly see and feel it, in more ways than one. Really, this is really a gem of a girl.....

She brought up the point of studying in Japan. Honestly, this has been one of my dreams for ages as I have long been a fan of the Japanese language and its culture. However, looking at where I am right now, would it be appropriate (or too late) for me to even consider it? Appropriate in the sense that I am not exactly very young and I have dear dear to think about. Maybe alternatively, I can do it locally if it is indeed available. In my mind, I am very sure if I have this additional linguistic advantage, I will be able to find work with companies that need this additional edge in their staff. At worst, I can find some adminstrative position when I am no longer working in my current capacity as a QA manager.....

Saturday

Have not been blogging regularly for reasons made known earlier. Well, nothing much to update except that job sucks and love life is good.

Back in a few days.....

Random thoughts.....

There is actually no theme for tonight's entry. Just random thoughts that I thought to myself during shower.

People who have been visiting my blog will definitely notice a slowdown in the number of blogs in my site. I guess recent events have made it more difficult or unnecessary to update my blog that often anymore. The original objective of this blog, if anyone can recall, was to archive my past memories, starting from my childhood. To be honest, I never made it past any particular period of my childhood years before Princess came into my life. From then onwards, it was all about Princess and basically nothing else except for the episode about my mom.

Mom's passing was unfortunate to say the least but I am still of the opinion that it was probably best for her given the pains and sufferings that she was going through towards the end. At times, I still think of things that she had done for me in the past and how I did not display my appreciation for a lot of them. Princess had told me that I should look forward and not repeat the same mistakes in life so that I won't have to go through them again. Maybe I should and hopefully I would.

Princess, to me, is a blessing. After a few months of courtship, I must admit again that she has been the one that I have showered the most love upon. Never in my entire life have I been that giving in a relationship and I don't see any signs of letting up on my love. That is a wonderful feeling to say the least. To be able to love someone as much as I am doing now means that I have finally found someone that I love enough to just pour my heart and soul for. I have read enough to know that some people are fully committed to their girlfriends up to the point BEFORE they have sex. Once that apex is reached, their "love" starts to wane and some will just dump their partners and move on to the next "love". Generalisation as what my Princess would always say? Maybe but it has happened enough in my readings to know there is some truth in it. Well, for Princess this is a resounding "NO". Yes, we have been intimate beyond the norm and I can proudly say that I still love her just as much and I want to love her even more.

Princess has not been the easiest person to understand. Through these last few months, it is because of her personality that I have learned a lot about relationships from her. To me, she is an embodiment of strong headedness and emotional frailness. At times, she is strongly principled on topics that she believes in and thus can be very vocal at certain times. Vocal enough to make me feel hurt/terrorised/intimidated by her directness on occasions. Yet, she can be emotionally fragile which makes me want to protect her with all my life. I must say I have never come across a woman like her before but she just has that charm that I love and probably that is why I hardly ever get mad with her. Sometimes it just takes one thing to counter another and I think she is my counter-balance so as to speak. Surely, she has become my One, no doubt.

One thing that I must admit she has taught me well is to always think partner before self. Don't know how else to put it. Sometimes she gets upset with me for things that I would think is OK but if I think like a woman, then I probably can understand what she means. Well, no one has said that a loving relationship comes easily and without any effort so I must say I have been learning and paying my "school fees".

With her work-related travels imminent in the next few weeks, I wonder to myself if I will cope well to her absence. While she keeps saying that she is very dependent on me nowadays, I did tell her the reverse is also true. Can I really cope without her beside me for so many weeks? Gosh.... I really wonder.....

28th July 2007

Just too many things on my mind to write down and don't know where to begin.

This date has significant meaning to me. It represents the first time Princess and I went on a trip; a real trip to Malacca in Malaysia. Finally, after months of waiting, I was able to, with "light bulbs" in toll, go on a short vacation with her. The visit to Malacca was my first and though there wasn't much to do (or rather we didn't really do much), the food and her presence more than made up for it.

We finally had our first night as a couple and in more ways than one. The intimate details shall remain in my heart but lest it be said that they were things that only couples would do. Having her by my side was really a dream come through and words can't do justice to how I felt seeing her lay beside me while she sleeps. Seeing her closed eyes and hearing her light breathing kind of made me pinched myself and wondering over and over again as to what could I have done right to deserve someone as nice as her. All I could do was to kiss her forehead and stroke her hair while she slept.

I really love her and want her to be with me for the rest of my life. Selfishly, I am very sure I will depart this world before her and hopefully, I will be able to thank her for a wonderful life before I leave for good.

Just thoughts.....

I have been ultra sad the last 24 hours. Simply have not felt this way in many a weeks. Yesterday was the very first time that I had a major disagreement with Princess. I must say it's a frustration session regarding something that we cannot reach any agreement upon. Simply I don't have any solution that will both satisfy her of us.....

I wrote a lot more but simply I don't want to make the matter worst than it already is now. It won't help my be blogging abou it............

VOEP

It has been close to 2 weeks since my last entry to this blog. Many things have happened, mostly bad and unfortunate but the one true bright spark must really be the presence of Princess. Since May this year, we have become a couple and so far so good I must say. Indeed, this is truly a good spot in my life that is keeping me going right now.

She is indeed a good girl although at times I do find that I must really shower her with lots of TLC to be protective as she can get upset over things I probably would never have thought twice about. Whenever she is "challenged" on something or topic that is against her principles, things can become a little uneasy. Over several incidents (like religion, family, children, relationships) I have learned a lot more about her that I never knew in the past and learned how to handle delicate situations like those. So far so good, I must say.

At times I ask myself whether it is tiring or difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who is so passionate about her views and belief. Indeed, I do admit that I am, at times, hurt by her retorts but strangely I have not actually lost my cool. Maybe I am overly protective of her feelings which is quite incredible I must admit. Or maybe I have finally realised the true meaning of commitment? That commitment is never easy and will always take TLC to sustain? Or maybe it's because I have mellowed and have become more patient?

Nevertheless, bottomline is that Princess means a lot to me and I pray that she remains by my side for many years to come.....

Crossroad?

I think I am coming to a crossroad in my career. Honestly speaking, I am no longer happy working in the company. Maybe it's the management, maybe it's the role, maybe it's the (lack of) people, or maybe it's simply just me but I feel that the motivation to work is waning....

With some many people leaving, I am not sure if the company will survive this exodus of people. Be it talented people or not, these people are carrying with them what (little) knowledge they possess about the operations of the company and unfortunately, I do think that any new hires will find it difficult to fill the gaps. Maybe I am wrong or I hope that I am wrong but I am kind of worried that things will go downhill from this point onwards.

Hopefully, I will be proven wrong and I will recover my zest for the company and my role.

Saturday

Spending a quiet Saturday with my dear dear at my place. She is actually sitting in front of me right now, studying on the round table that we bought. An ordinary day by other people's standard but a very fulfilling one for me.... Just spending time with my dear VOEP.

I always cherish the weekends that we spend together as we are always very loving. In a way, we always share the intimate moments together which we enjoy and is a very bonding experience for me (and us).

Love her. Just want to tell he that I do still mean it during "those " moments....

God knows

God knows that I love Veron through and through. In whatever that I do, I will put her as my 1st priority.

At times when I trip up and upset her, I will try all my best to make her understand and happy. Really, I'm trying my utmost best but sometimes I just felt so little when I can't make her understand and she continues to be upset with things.

I already promised myself that I will cherish this good girl and I will continue to learn from all mistakes. At times and in return, I hope that she can understand that I am really and already putting her on a pedestal in many a things. I just want her love 24/7 and never be upset......

God knows.....

Her name is.....

Princess has been seriously dating me for the past 2 months or so and we are now seriously in love. Can't really complain anymore since she is now my girlfriend.... hehe.... shy to say that.

Wealth creation

I really hope to be able to save up more money so that there will not be any worries in the near future when I get together with Princess. Hopefully, the unit trust that I invested in will see steady returns to help my fund grow little by little. Yeah, I am not the high risk taker so probably won't and don't mind seeing growth on the low side.

Just want to make sure that I have a secure job so that I can start a family with her. Hopefully, it will be soon....

Home alone

On medical leave today..... but no one to care for me. Since Princess is not with me, I guess I will have to take care of myself. Kind of sad since I would love my girlfriend to be beside me in times of sickness.

Almost 5 pm now so I need to think of what to do with the rest of the afternoon and evening. Maybe go out for a short walk and get food. Damn hungry. Sigh, wanted to eat steamboat but no one to share it with. I guess maybe just eat hawker food but I want to eat more vegetables..... Steamboat would be good since I can just pick out what I want.

Got to work hard later on. Need to finish my work so that I have more time to prepare for next week's events which can be important. If I do a good job then at least I will have one less thing to worry about in the coming months.

Sigh, I miss having Princess besides me. She is the cure for all my woes........

Power of love

I did say that I thought I lost Princess today. But one thing that really struck me was how determined I have become in getting this relationship to work. In the past I would have sulked and retreated to a corner to wait for the worst but I remember that this is already the 3rd or 4th time that I have reacted (quite) strongly to adverse situations.

Like the time when she scolded me for throwing away the opportunity she gave me, the time that she was upset with something, and like today when she was upset/disappointed about the bed thing. Well, I probably did enough to demonstrate my love for her. I was pretty firm about responding in a positive manner. Frankly, that worked wonders for me too as I was less depressed once I forced myself to be more positive.

Maybe it's the power of love? Princess has really made me work doubly hard.... I am very sure that she can sense and feel my sincerity.....

Lost and found?

I thought I lost Princess today. She was not too pleased or found it unacceptable or unfathomable that I was still sharing the same bed with my Ex literally until the last day before we went our separate ways.

To all people, including my Ex, that was probably a very strange thing to do even though we were officially over..... Maybe I was too nonchalant about such things but it had never crossed my mind what other people will think. Sigh, sometimes I am probably too "bo chap" about certain things, I guess. I did explain to Princess that we had never done anything out of line but that probably didn't register anyway.......

To be honest, I have never seen her so disappointed before. Even in the worst days, she would probably be more upset than disappointed but I really, really felt the pain in her so much so that I was 100% sure that she will finally leave me. If that were to happen, I really don't know what will I do. I was so worried that I really couldn't concentrate on my work. She expressed herself so strongly in our secret file that I was literally dazed and extremely worried that that was it. Game over......

All that I could do was plead and beg her to judge me on my current ways. There is nothing that I can do to change the past but I hope to be judged on my future behavior. Truly, the failed relationship did play a part to shape my new attitude towards marriage and Princess also taught me a lot of things about building and maintaining a relationship. As such, I did tell Princess that I have been working doubly hard at our relationship to make sure that history does not repeat itself.

Sigh, sometimes Princess scares me. I love her so much that any slightest hint that she is upset or unhappy makes me worried. Honestly, I have been giving it all my best to make sure that she is happy and will never leave me but sometimes I worry that she would still dump me. Talk about insecurity....

But I am extremely happy and relieved that things got better towards the evening. Maybe it's because my pleads worked or she simmered down enough to forgive me. Regardless, I am thankful that things are OK now. Really, I have never felt so afraid thus far in our relationship.

I pray very hard that Princess will never get upset again......

A new phase

A lot have happened during the last week. Mom has passed away and with her demise the central figure of this family is no more. Don't know how life for this family will change but let's hope the bond among the family members will remain unchanged.

Life with Princess is really, really good. We are officially in love and enjoying every second of it. Don't know how else to put it except that I am treating her more and more like my wife. This time around, I feel happy to the Nth degree and I have this very warm feeling inside me that is incredibly strong.

I'm going to marry this gal!

Rest in peace, mom

My mom passed away this evening.....

To be honest, her passing on is within my expectation. After seeing her health deteriorating in recent months and then more so in recent weeks, I knew that her time in this world was drawing to an end. I had hoped that she can make it past another Chinese New Year but I guess it was not meant to be.

I have never claimed to be very close to my parents and with that I never knew a lot of things about them either. I know that I was never a good son to my mom because I never really spent a lot of quality time with her.

So near but yet so far.....

Shit happens, really. This morning, Princess told me that she wanted to say the words that I have been waiting to hear for a long time but some untimely intervention from my Ex kind of burst that bubble.

Sometimes one cannot fight with fate. It was so coincidental that Ex had to sms me right smack in the morning after breakfast with Princess. An innocuous gesture to reply to ex and inform Princess about it totally wrecked my chance of hearing those magical words. Sure, deep down I already knew how Princess felt about me but that incident immediately threw me a couple of steps back from where our relationship was and along with it, the words from Princess. Now I have to start building my credentials with Princess again. Sigh, sometimes simply have to say "Sway, man".....

Though I wasn't lying when I told Princess that it may not be important to hear those words since I already know how she feels about me but..... but just don't know why things had to be so coincidental to deprive me of this chance.......

Well, guess that I have to wait longer.....

Madly in love with Princess

Princess and me have come a long, long way in a short, short time. Really, what happened on Saturday during our private moments is just re-affirmation about what I knew all along, that indeed that I am truly in love with her.

en the moment of passion came about, I really felt this nice and loving feeling with her. The key thing was that I felt it to be loving after I had "done" it. This time around, there was no feeling of guilt or remorse. Truly, this time around, the feeling is right and the love is still there.....

So this is the difference between in love and in lust? I guess so......

By stroke of chance, Princess was forced by circumstances to meet the family. Damn stressed for both of us I must say......

Dad was, like usual, at his typical old-school, old-fashion self, asking the crap about the family origin. As if I know who mine is/was if her parents were to ask me the same question.... One more of such crap from him I am going to just ignore him again..... trying to make my life with Princess difficult. Maybe I should really agitate and piss him off by telling him that his grand children will be brought up as Catholics... ha. Really can't stand him.....

Caroline was good and understanding as always and tried to put Princess at ease. I think Princess will fit into the the family pretty and since the nieces are going to be Protestants anyway so I guess no problem on my side too.... Good! Things are indeed working out well.

Princess

This week will forever be a very special one for me. It is in this week I did something very affectionate and loving with Princess. I will never ever forget this week.....

Looking back, I have come very far with Princess in the last 1.5 months. From nothing to where we are now, I am really in 7th heaven. I am simply at a loss for words to describe my feelings right now.

All I want is promise to Princess and myself is that I will never take her for granted, I will forever cherish her presence in my life, and I will make her my partner in life.

I love you, Princess.....

100th post!

Incredibly, this blog has survived for more than 2 months and still going strong.

My original intent was to save up all my memories from years passed but never would I have imagined that it will become a forum to proclaim my love for someone that has now become a very, very special person in my life.

Rather than looking back, I am now looking forward to the future and looking forward to many, many sweet memories with my Princess.

Princess VOEP, may this 100th blog be a testament of my love for you. Hopefully, by the time the 200th blog comes around, we would still be, if not more loving, as today. Better yet, let's see how high a peak we can push ourselves to....

Love you....

Princess, I'm not going to pretend that you are not reading this. Of course we both knew it all along that all blogs can be freely read by you although I always write with the assumption that no one but me can read this blog. Indeed, this very special and unique of communication (and the PEP-CS file) have been our unique method of understanding more of each other.

When I read your special blog this afternoon I felt very happy. The very fact that you acknowledge my love for you made me feel very blessed and happy. Really, I can only see that this as a sign that slowly but surely it is bearing fruit for me.... and us.

You know, seeing you sleeping on my lap this afternoon, I knew for sure I cannot nor will I disappoint your trust in me. Stroking your hair while you sleep, I knew that I have to dote on you for a long, long time. Trust me, Princess, little by little, I will remove that fear residing inside you. I promise.

Yesterday was another great and memorable day in our ever growing relationship (yes, I am using that word now). We practically spent the whole day together, visiting the doctors, getting the massage, church (which I am absolutely OK but just felt out of place since I am the odd one out), dinner, then Labrador Park, then Tanjong Rhu, and finally followed by our very intense day-closing chat (politics and s*x). Dear, unless you tell me a true relationship will be much, much, much more intense, there is no way we are not already in one....

I love you, Princess. I will wait for the day you will be mine and then we can consummate our love...... I assure you I look at it as a sign of my love for you.

Hugs and kisses for you, dear Princess VOEP.

Princess writes

I guess I've been invited to write... should I feel honored? Well, this kind of came as a surprise and I probably haven't quite thought of what I should write...

I guess I should say I've been very blessed to have someone love me so much of late. Sometimes it really feels good and I really feel as if this is it. But the fear of again being hurt, of again having to go through an emotional turmoil really holds me back. But yesterday I think we've taken a big step forward. I was really hesitant initially to have to see his mom but guess it's the least I could do for someone who loves me lots. I do hope that the big step did make a difference in her life... and in her will power to live life.

I know you'll read this... and just want you to know how appreciative of everything that you've done to me. Rest assured that I never take things for granted. One day, when I've overcome my fear of being hurt again, I'm sure we'll have a lovely time ahead, creating dreams and memories we can call our own.

Mom

I was actually home early tonight and managed to spend some time with mom. She is weak and I fear the worst.....

Compared to even as early as weeks ago she is much weaker. Don't know what else to do but to urge and encourage her to eat more to regain her strength.

Really want Princess to be here to show mom that I have found my true love. Don't know how much longer she can hold on but I hope long enough till next Chinese New Year. Beyond that I really have no idea....

What's in a kiss?

Love...... I felt love in the kiss. When I placed my lips to hers, I just felt this relaxed and pleasing sensation in my heart, as if it is the most sensual sensation ever. I literally melted in her mouth......

It reminded me of this one kiss that I had with my Ex that really made my heart flutter..... Only this one lasted longer, way longer and it feels just right..... Like I'm kising my dear? It sure felt that way.

Gosh, I miss her already.......

It will never be simple.....

Sometimes I am very confused about my status with Princess. Under normal dating protocols, people in the same situation like us would probably already be considered as couples but it is not the case with us. Without a doubt I feel very much for her and I can confidently say it's the same the other way but for some reason we are not yet a couple because she has fear committing to this.

In a way, I don't blame her because she has indeed just come out of a difficult relationship and frankly has doubts that are arising from her sense of insecurity. Coupled with my over-enthusiasm (impatience?) I must admit I am making it difficult for myself.

I really need to slowly and surely ease her insecurity and make her believe her future lies with me. Maybe in my haste to make her happy, I forget to give her the space to actually see and test out my sincerity. I don't know, it's just that I have never felt so strongly for a woman before and I feel so strongly to make it work for both of us.

Well, I promised her that I'll die trying and never give up until the last minute and this is what I plan to do. Like what the HK DJ would always say, "Never Give Up!".

Just the simple life......

Why must life be so complicated? Why must I hit a snag everytime I become happy? I mean, I really feel that it was fate that brought us together in the first place but has it always been on Fate's card that I will never make it with her?

I just want the simple life.....

Dark clouds looming.....

For the 1st time in weeks, I am very, very afraid. I'm afraid that Princess will decide to leave me despite all my efforts to demonstrate my love for her.

It's sad to know that religion can play big enough a factor to let her think about leaving me. If it is true, I will be bitter about life (again).

I can sacrifice everything for her, I can give in to every single thing that she asks for but at the end she also needs to demonstrate her love and commitment to me and acknowledge my contributions to make this relationship work...... Alas, she said she cannot commit..... Although she explained why, that really still cut like a knife.... Despite our short time together, she is the whole world to me..... The entire universe..... But does she know? Sigh, but then why is she so loving to me? Why do we embrace and kiss? What are those? Just pittance for me? I am confused.....

Princess, why can't you pray and ask for guidance? If miracles have happened in the past, can you ask for another one? Life is so unfair if this is the reason I cannot be with you..... cruel to me to say the least.....

Sigh....... Does this mean I will need to go through the pain again? Really going to cry.........

What if.....

These past few weeks have been an incredibly happy period in my life. Being single again, I can actually go out and date girls openly without any fear or reservations. And to think that I can actually be dating Princess is in itself something that I would never have dreamt about. Simply put, to say that I am happy is an understatement; to say that this is a once in a lifetime chance is not an exaggeration.

Given the fact that it is so blissful, I can't help but ask myself what will happen to me if it fails? What if Princess decides not to choose me in the end? What if the ending is not something that I had wished for? Then what?

Princess probably doesn't know or understand that I also have my own set of insecurity. At times, I also fear that my unreserved love will not be reciprocated even after months or years down the road and I will be left stranded.... alone again. I really don't want that to happen else I will be devastated yet again.

Really, I pray that shit doesn't fall on me again.......

What a wonderful life......

I am having a great weekend today. Had a good night's rest yesterday. This morning, Princess and I went to the PC Show (she drove; kiss her for this) to get ourselves a printer (for her dad) and a digital camera (for us both). It was a good outing.

I also bought her a Braun Buffel wallet which I do think compliments her rather well. Don't mind paying for it at all really and I must say it was a real bargain at ~$44. The fact that she allowed me to pay for it is another significant moment as this means that she has truly eased up to me and don't mind me showering her with gifts at all. I am sooooo happy. I am not using material gifts as a method of pleasing her but rather I just feel like pampering her....

I also bought a couple of khaki shorts for myself and again, she was cool about waiting while I shopped a little :)

And not forgetting the foot massage at Roxy Square where I brought her to the usual place that I go to. Haha..... she does look to be in some pain during the session. In fact, I didn't mind showing affection by extending my hand across to hold her hand. I didn't even care if people were looking or thinking about our age gap. At this point in time, I couldn't care less about it.

I am so happy that she enjoys the stuff that I usually do and I think we'll really be ultra compatible if things continue this way. I feel so happy that we are creating our own little set of memories by dating and I will blog all those to never forget them and remind myself to always cherish her.

Really, the couple feel is now so strong that I am enjoying life 100%. Really cannot imagine something so blissful could actually still happen to me. I really must thank my lucky stars and I must make doubly share that I don't take her for granted but continue to grow this wonderful relationship with her. Imagine me spending weekends upon weekends with the girl of my dream..... WHOEVER IS UP THERE, THANK YOU!!!!

And now I wait for dinner.... haha.....

Responsibility

Maybe talk about something different now.

Something came into my mind when I was listening in to what Princess and Mary-Ann talked about on Friday during dinner (at ABC market! haha).

It got me thinking when Princess mentioned that her dad is not in the tip top of health but yet continues to indulge a little on the side with the knowledge that it may be bad for his health. It just got me wondering if a desire to continue a certain quality of life should override the need to be responsible for one's health and to the family.

My reasons.... Unless it is hereditary or bad luck, I believe our personal lifestyle will determine our state of health now and in the future. Human beings will wear and tear with time and I am of the belief that all excessive indulgence (food, liquor, cigarettes etc) will show up as poor health in the future.

For example, it is a given that cigarettes are bad for one's health but people still do it. Why? Because they don't see the pain now and they always cite the low probability (grandmother story about so and so smoking for years but still OK). So if someone who smokes a lot during his early years and gets a related illness thereafter, does that mean that he should be allowed to continue because he wants to maintain his quality of life? I don't know.... I always believe in balance... he has already decided to squander his quota of "quality life" in early life and if restraint is needed later to maintain a healthier life then I think it is the responsibility of the person to realise this and do so.

In my opinion, it must be a balance between sacrifices and the desire to maintain a quality of life. If I knowingly maintain my quality of life even with the knowledge that it may deteriorate my condition and burden them in the future, then I think it is selfish and irresponsible for the simple fact that it is thinking of self before the masses.

Probably I feel very strongly about this because I have seen or heard of cases whereby people simply over-indulged and then end up burdening the family years down the road. In those cases, the people also chose to ignore the signs and continued to lead their normal lives..... What happened? One case had to sell off the house to pay for the medical expenses, one case had the dad being wheelchair-bound and ostracised, and one case has the person literally wasting his life away on a bed....

Well, another case of Princess triggering me to think..... Haha...

Simply love the girl.....

I don't know why, as I have always said and asked myself. I am head over heels for this girl that I have really know since April and really, really known since May. Simply can't put a finger to it, she is just perfect in my eyes.

I don't mind staying up late for her, don't mind showering her with gifts, don't mind driving her all over the place, don't mind anything whatsoever. Man, I treat her even better than my own family. I am even afraid of her not being in my life, fearing that my life or world will literally collapse if that were to happen. Gosh, may that never ever happen else I'm really going to die.......

One giant leap for happiness

Several incidents happened the past Sunday that really, really put me in 7th heaven.....

First, Princess introduced her best friend Mary-Ann to me. Happened that her best friend was visiting (from Australia) and she wanted to go to the National Library to meet a friend. Thing was Princess openly shared with her friend who I am and was not shy to introduce me to her friend. I mean, it really meant a lot to me that Princess really treated me like her boyfriend(?). Really touched by this small but significant act of acknowledgement.

Her best friend looked to be friendly enough and doesn't look to mind the relationship between Princess and myself. Well, I do think she is cool. Yeah, the first meeting was kind of OK by my standards. Ha, does that mean if I am cool with Mary-Ann, Princess don't mind continuing to date me?

Secondly, I can really sense Princess becoming very ultra comfy with me and that really made me extremely confident about us. I am sure I am now someone of great significance to her and I am proud and blessed.... Really, same old story, I simply didn't expect things to work out so well.... Love her to death....

Thirdly and perhaps most significant of all, I kissed Princess. Yes, I kissed Princess on the lips! To little old me that is an act that I never knew would happen to me ever again. To be able to kiss her tender lips was just something so heavenly that I know I will do it at every opportunity and always with the same loving feeling... I feel so blessed.....

I really need to pray that someone up there to continue showering me with this happiness that I am feeling now. Really, I love Princess with every bit of my heart and I want her to feel the same one too. Please never, ever let me repeat my past mistakes. Never.....

To Princess, may this blog be a witness of my commitment to you. Love you forever.

Wa lau... so long

Well, I have managed to put in quite a full day today.... Went to the hospital to speak to the doctor, then went office to do some work, returned home to wash the car, and then napped for something like 15minutes before the nieces came over to play the Wii.

But still, it is only 7:40pm.... Sigh, at least 3 more hours before I can hear Princess's voice. Damn.... gotta find something to past time... Think I better watch TV or watch....

Damn it... this is killing me....

Return of the Princess

Princess will be flying home tonight! Can't wait to see her. Well, this must have been once of the longest week I've ever experienced in my life. Time just feels it is standing still while waiting for her to return home.

Really, simply can't wait to hold her hand and do what we do best - Chat!! Dare I say a few bear hugs too? Hmm....

伊苹

好久没有用中文写写了,有点生疏了。真的是太可惜了。华语如此,日语也如此,看来真的要下一番功夫来练習才行。

认识了伊苹之后就一直用英语来表达我对她的爱意。说老实话,我人都已经四十岁了却对这一位年龄比我小一大把的女生动了这么深的真情,真的让我意想不到。

我只能说我真的非常非常的爱她。就好像之前我说过的,我愿意用我这余生的幸福来下赌注,用它来换取她的爱。。。就算我从此以后什么都没有,我也会觉得和过得很开心,很幸福。。。我真的很渴望我的第二春就是她。。。

伊苹,对于你我真的有那种恋爱的感觉。你有一种我无法抗拒的气质。我就认为你很有才华和智慧!你能听到我内心在说”我爱你”吗?我可以在我生命终点的时候有你握着我的手吗?

你要答应我,一定要非我不嫁好吗?我用生命来向你保证,现在的我已经不是以前的我,我一定会做一个好男人,好丈夫,好朋友,好女婿等等。。。相信我!

Mom

Sigh.... in the midst of my happiness, I see my mom slowly withering away which is dampening my joy. At times I really feel like telling her about Princess, tell her that her desire to see me get married may indeed come through, and assure her that I will not be alone anymore. However, I really don't want to put pressure on Princess or myself or give mom false hope just in case things really don't work out.

It is all about timing. It is impossible for Princess to come into my life several years ago but is mom still strong enough to wait for me to finally see me getting married years down the road? I don't know, let's hope things turn out fine.

Princess is away

I am very lonely.... Princess is away for only two days and I already cannot take it. Don't want to play my games and don't feel like watching the Champions' League final tonight....

Actually, this really shows how much she means to me nowadays..... indispensable..... If I can compress time, I'll let her see how precious she will still be to me 12 months down the road and convince her to spend the rest of her life with me. Then, only then, will I feel truly secure and sure no one will snatch her from me.... Sigh.... Is this how lovesick feels? Really bad...

I wanna hold your hand

Just like the old Beatles' song, I finally have the opportunity to hold Princess's hands (well, at least only the right hand, I think). Wasn't really kind of spontaneous of anything like that but she didn't really protest when I held her hand. Again, totally not sure what she thought of that but it was indeed a good feeling for me.

To be honest, haven't really held a gal's hand with the intention of showing affection in a long, long time. Being able to do so again, well, just felt so wonderful.

Still boils down to the question, will I be the only man standing when she finally makes her choice? Sigh, what happens if that doesn't happen? How would I feel? Must be real bad huh?

Well, why should I care so much.... What will be will be....... Just continue to do good and be truthful to your feelings towards her. I think the results will be sweet in the end.....

I am positively sure I'll cry and embrace her when that day comes along. I'll patiently wait for that day to happen and hopefully, hopefully, the star-lined skies above Labrador Park will be able to witness that blessed event.....

Love finally?

Yesterday was another special day.... It's a day of many first; just like in recent weeks.....

She picked me up from the company and together we went to NUS to do our work. I just want to be physically with her while we both go about doing our own things...... At least we can both accomplish personal stuff while being together.

Thereafter, Princess and I went shopping and TOGETHER we bought an new mobile phone. Something that she will use for the next few years and something that will remind her that we bought it together..... Yup, everytime she uses that mobile, it will be a reminder to her that we went to Bugis Junction together to buy that.

We spent the evening watching the FA Cup final @ Robertson Walk together with friends. Watching her from behind while she chats with her best friends, I felt so blessed that she and I are together and working towards a relationship. I know she will scold me for thinking this but I look at myself and then her and cannot but feel inferior compared to her..... Insecurity again? Perhaps, ha...

Actually, I was wondering what were the many first that we had ever since we became an item. Too many to list out, really..... Several significant ones come to mind, though not in chronological order:

- First time she volunteered to drive to my office to bring me out for lunch (at Ghim Moh)
- First time she came over to my office for Sunday lunch (Mac's)
- First time she let me drive her home after an evening out (Labrador park)
- First time we went to out on a evening together (Sunday dinner @ Old Airport road; chatting near Indoor Stadium)
- Etc

Just too many to list. I am now truly and madly in love with her and I hope things will become better and better with each passing day.

I will now center my life around her...... unless family matter calls.... Work is definitely secondary compared to her.

Maybe it has taken a long time but I really think this is finally it......

Multiply dot com

I finally saw Princess's blog. Those were probably only a selection of the entries that she had made but I can really see her commitment to her faith. Very staunch (is that the word?) indeed.

Can't say the blogs provided me any (more) insight about what I already know about her but I guess she can sometimes indeed be confused and insecure about things. Well, that shows everyone have their moment of vulnerability in life, no matter how strong they protray themselves to be.

Ban lifted!

After what I had learned and experienced last night, I hereby declare that the short-lived ban on VOEP will be lifted!

I will take on any challenges head on from this point in time! No more Mr Nice Guy! Haha.....

A step in the right direction

Last night was strange. I received a PEP-CS (that's our secret communication file) reply from Princess in which she expressed how her ex-bf was trying to convince her to go back with him. At that time, I started to sulk because I wasn't sure which role I should play, either the uncle agony or the guy madly in love. In the end, I thought I had to be magnanimous and advised her to consider her ex's proposal before deciding. I must admit, I was rather sad when I made that decision.

Then came her reply... She was disappointed, in her own words, that I, as someone who proclaimed who likes her so much would throw away the opportunity given to me. A rare opportunity given specially to me to get to know her better..... She was DISAPPOINTED. That statement really struck a blow to my head. It made me realised why I had done what I did.... I was a COWARD. I was afraid that I would end up with nothing in the end. In the end, I realised what a disappointment I was, a bloody coward who wouldn't stand up and fight for his once-in-a-lifetime love. Not only that, it made her disappointed. It made her feel that I was really not worthy.

After I finally realised what had happened, I had to respond. I mean, I really have to grow up and fight for what I truly believe in. She is the one that I truly believe in and I sulked just because he sent her sms(es) trying to convince her to come back to him? No more, mister! I now know that there is no fair play in the world of love. He had and blew all this chances and now it is MY turn. If he wants it again, he has to queue up and try to take me down. Well, all I can say is that good luck trying for I will never give up!

I did write to and aplogised to Princess this morning and I promise never ever to think so cowardly again. I mean, by virture of her giving me all these chances, doesn't it that mean she has already looked upon me as more than a friend? I was so stupid to focus on a dot while the whole picture painted a different story!

Princess looked to have forgive me and even came to dine with me. I sooooo enjoyed the time that I spent with her. What was I thinking last evening?! No more! That thought has been forever banished and purged from my mind!

Princess, I will not let you down. I only want a good ending like track #10.......

No title

Simply can't think of an appropriate title for tonight's entry. I learned that VOEP's ex is actively pursuing her and trying to patch up with her. To be honest, I really don't know which side I should be taking. I am probably too deep into this to actually be benevolent enough to wish the other party well but not doing so would simply be so, what's the word again? Hypocritical?

VOEP.... from nothing to something

I am a very happy man now of these days. From virtually no chance to now being good friends with VOEP, I simply cannot describe the joy in my heart.

I can feel that she is very comfortable with me nowadays and of course, me with her.

Being the greedy person that I am, I can only hope that she will continue to give me the chance to prove to her my sincerity.

I guess that light bulb that went off in my head the other day really spurred me on.... Like what I said in the comm file, I would rather tried and failed than not tried at all...... No matter what, I will continue on and will not stop until the day she says YES!

Told her tonight that I would like to let her try out my stereo.... Actually, all I want is to gently coax her to sleep while listening to soft music...... just watching her sleep contentedly beside me.

I really think we can make it.....

Porn

Didn't know VOEP is so against porn. Although I don't know whether it is due her religion but she was very against it....

Being a guy, I actually don't feel as stronger against this as her. To me, as long as the guy still loves the gal and does not cross the line or act out his fantasy on the gal, I think it is up to them to manage the situation. However, I do agree with her that sex is a very sacred thing between two parties and thus when they really do it, it is really as an expression of love.

OK, strike porn off my list then.....

Trip to the doctor (misc)

Actually, I do feel this spring in my steps nowadays since I got to really know VOEP better. Just feel happier as a person since then. She really has a very positive effect on me so much so that I really miss her when I am not with her. Just like what happened at the clinic today. I still felt OK after what happened to my pants and reacted in a manner that is reflective of my happy mood. No one has ever had that kind of effect on me before. If I missed the boat on this one, how long do I have to wait to have another chance at someone else? Maybe never.....

I really wonder if she has ever viewed myself as a possible candidate. With a person like her, I just feel that I will move mountains to please her and make her happy. With her personality and she knowing me, I am sure she will not take advantage or bully me. I just feel that mutual respect is very strong between us at this point in time.

Sigh, sometimes I know I am deceiving myself about my feelings for her but really don't want to complicate her love life more than it is now. Really, even though deep down I feel maybe her current relationship is not viable anymore, I do hope that it will turn out good for her. I must not have selfish thoughts because I am really very concerned about this gal. Even if I get nothing in the end, I am really happy if things work out fine for her.

Probably I will cry and moan about the lost of this (perfect) One but I should just think back about the happy days and be thankful. Sigh, people are always greedy and never contended.

Families of 2nd and 3rd bro were here today for a family gathering. Even dad was here.... All the nieces were busily and happily playing the Wii. Guess this $600 spent is much more priceless than any LV pouch unlike what Princess challenged me :) .... priceless in the sense that EVERYONE was involved in the fun. For once, I must say the Wii worked wonders to bring laughter to everyone, including me.

How I wish I have a family to join in with them.... Can someone up there help me on this?

Trip to the doctor.....

Haha.... funny thing happened today.

Brought VOEP to the clinic today to see the doctor. Really glad she went to see him because it will definitely help with her skin condition. But I must say even at her current state, she looked very much OK to me. Well, I guess girls will be girls and must have perfect skin to be vain and happy. Ha.

Well, seemed like I am a Very Important Past-customer because the nurses liked remembered who this guy is.... Ha, really didn't expect that to happen. Too bad they can't cure my baldness... haha... I am used to it so no biggie nowadays.

The funny thing and totally unexpected thing was this incident. While VOEP went inside to see the doc, I accidentally sat onto a chair that had collected water due to a leaky air con and boy were my pants wet. Didn't really know what to do but approached the counter to inform the nurses about the problem. They were apologetic and started to attend to my "wet" pants. One of them took a towel and started to squeeze water out of my pants but while doing so praised me for being a good boy because I was not angry or anything but rather was cool about the whole thing. Haha.... I mean, what could I have done during that time?

It was like so funny because I am by no measures a boy anymore but she mentioned that I am one since I am (much?) younger than her. Maybe she didn't know I was like 40 already? Guess those cosmetic products do work wonders huh? Anyway, VOEP came out and was like wondering why was this lady behind my back and working on my pants... Ha. Hinted to the nurse to repeat the praises to VOEP but not sure whether VOEP heard them or not :)

But I do learned today that newspaper is actually a very good absorbent; I was like sitting on the papers that they provided and the moisture was really removed in a jiffy. Good trick to use in the future.

Don't know why, while VOEP was waiting for the medicine, the nurse heaped praises on me (ask me how many brothers do I have? whether they are same like me? mom will be very happy if so etc) which I felt quite embarrassed towards the end. I guess being courteous does make it easier to resolve everything. No one got angry and everyone got a good laugh out of it.

As I told VOEP, maybe they will now also remember this friend of the VIP... haha...

Sweet Voice

Gave VOEP a wake up call this morning... It rang a few times before I woke her up (I think) but her voice... it was actually very sweet.... Again, stupid to think so but that daze in her morning voice rather adds to her charm. Yeah, come to think of it, she does have a sweet voice but I would say maybe not the singing voice type....

Poor gal only had 4 hours of rest, I reckon she must be tired. I will drive lah.

Emptiness

Don't know why, just missed VOEP very, very, very much out of a sudden. Can't describe it, just feel that way. I actually sms her and asked whether she will be angry or slap me if I say I miss her?

Ha, I think I am a goner with this girl; simply no way to stop thinking of her. She just makes me feel very happy. Damn it! I just don't know why...... Or rather, I know exactly the reasons.

Party on Wii

Well, the nieces are here tonight. Again, happy family playing the Wii together... Haha... really, one big happy family. I am so happy for them :)

At least my Wii is always fully utilised when they are here. Guess I need to buy Wario Ware so that we can play those mini-games together.

No trespassing

Well, I told Princess that I will no longer open some of blogs to her because it is not fair to both of us. That is the right thing to do, really.

As such, no trespassing even for Princess.... sorry.

Neglected Wii

Surprisingly, I paid over $600 for the Wii but yet I have not really played a lot on it. Games are interesting but yet I hardly clocked much playing time on it. Is this really the change that I am sensing in myself? That I have really passed the video game phase? I really wonder....

Well, if VOEP is here, I am sure I can introduce her to the Wii. Wonder if she will call this crap too.... Ha.... VOEP playing video games, probably that will be a first... ha.... I will beat the hell out of her in ANY games....

Better save some money lah.....

Why?

I must really ask him, why?!! Why do you want to make sure a good girl wait?!! Why?!! Do you really need me to go over to you and whack some sense into your brain?! Why would you let such a good girl wait 6 years for you?!! Why?!! Do you want to wait till the day someone snatches her from you?!! My goodness!!

If I had such a good fortune, I will proudly announce to the whole world! No matter what the problem is, resolve it but don't let such a good lady wait for you, please don't...... You really don't know what a gem you have in YOUR hands. She still loves you a lot.... If you don't want it, pass it to me, I will gladly accept it.

I will take her as my pride, start a family and enjoy the bliss that I have always yearned for. Have a few kids and then together we will watch them grow. I will do all sorts of things together with her every single day until the day I die. And if I do go, I hope it will be the same day and never earlier than her.

You are an idiot to leave her waiting for such a long time...... Sometimes other people get all the luck but simply don't know how to appreciate it.

This is probably the most cruel form of retribution to me.

Star gazing....

I have said before star gazing is one of my favorite to-do things. Never did a lot of that to be honest and definitely don't know any of the stars or constellations but I just love to lift my head into the night sky and stare or search for them.....

Why am I talking about this tonight? Well, as I was walking to the market to buy dinner (and unsuccessfully SMSing VOEP), I gazed up into the sky and saw this lone star. Mind you the area was well lighted so nothing spectacular about that but it did trigger a lonely thought..... Would I ever be able to do it with someone that I love? Would I ever be able to show someone why I like to do that?

I still remember the very first night I moved into Casafina, I realised that there was this spot outside the balcony that offered a good view of the night sky because the street and house light around that area was pretty dim. That was calming..... I spent at least like what?, 20 minutes just looking at the stars? Just looking and counting, 1, 2, 3.... and straining my neck to see if I could see more above the roof.... Sigh, should have placed a chair outside and continued with that..... 1, 2, 3,...... Now that I have moved out, no more......

I have always wondered if the stars would looked prettier in remote resorts in Malaysia or Thailand. I really do......

Why are my eyes tearing up again? Is it because I miss doing it or I know I miss not having someone to do it with?

Something is definitely wrong with me tonight.... Mood swings again?... Ha.... stupid me.....

PS: Realised it's number 44 again.... 8:44pm when I posted this... What is the significance of this number? Why do I keep seeing it? Die Die? Happy Happy?

Reality....

Reality is that mom is still ill and not recovering fully.

Reality is that she may really be on her last leg. One year? Two years? Five Years? Her quality of life has suffered so much that I am not sure in what manner should I pray for her.

Reality is that she is my mom. No matter what happens, I will put her on first priority.

Reality is that VOEP has become very important to me. Really don't know how it became this way so fast so soon but I guess sometimes you can't explain certain things....

Reality is that this may all end in the month of May (again). Call it bad vibes or history repeating itself but I just feel that way....

Reality is that I will still be happy for her although I am not sure why. Maybe I have to face reality?

Reality is that Michelle Chia is still very pretty even though she is probably in her early to mid 30s by now? Haha... got sidetrack by the TV programme.....

Reality is that life goes on..... Even without mom, even without VOEP. Just don't know what else to say......

Princess VOEP

Hehe.... I have decided to refer her as Princess since she likes to be treated like one.... However, I am not going to give her full Princess treatment lest her head swells big and ill-treats me... Nope.... Sure I'm gonna give her some preferential treatment but she got to earn some of it too....

Well, off to work.

Sunday lunch

VOEP swung by the office for a quick lunch today. Lunch menu was MacDonald's but she had the nuggets while I just took some fries and lemonade. Actually, I didn't tell her that I just had brunch 1/2 hour before she SMSed me :) .... Maybe she wouldn't come by if I did... ha. And as usual, we chatted but just for an hour or so before she left to give tuition (plus 800k points for being kind hearted). Again, exchanging views about life, friends, and topic of the day, different expectations for friends and loved ones. Definitely fun!

I did SMS her later and told her we are probably (and insanely?) spending a lot of quality time together. You know, chatting, emails, and lunches. Haha, I wonder for this week, did I clock the highest number of hours talking to her? I counted the SMSes and it was not low either.... I hope she has enough quota to cover those....

On a serious note, I did ask her later on why would she liked our conversations more than the then-potential suitor? I mean, from the way I looked at it, the topics of discussions cannot be much different between the various guys. My guess was we tend to share similar sentiments and thus our conversations would be relatively more enjoyable? She does kind of agree with that observation.... Tell me why am I not surprised anymore? Haha....

What is surprising is that our friendship grew so deep so quickly. Again, how and why this turned out this way is still very puzzling to me (and perhaps her). I mean, yes, I really do like her but a friendship or bond needs two mutual parties in order to develop but I dare say we have developed a very deep respect for each other only over the past month or so. This is so good (or perfect?), dare I say, a bond that both parties don't know whether it is for real or just some short term euphoria. I was asking her whether she was afraid it may turn out to be temporary, like and oasis.....

Frankly, I also don't know how this will turn out in the long run as I told her. Just too sinfully pleasant as I described it. Well, only time will tell.....

Anyway, later on she SMSed me saying that her student repeated the positives that I had told her before. I was like "Duh", what's so surprising about that? Haha...

Janice 衛蘭

This is my girlfriend......NOT! Haha. Her name is Janice 衛蘭, a singer in HongKong.

Some of my friends know that I usually log onto the Internet to listen to this particular Hong Kong radio station (I gotta remember to write something about that great programme too). Anyway, it was there that I first heard of the song "离家出走" and at that time I didn't know who the singer was but I liked the song a lot. Female vocals in Cantonese are always very soothing but her voice was exceptionally sweet. Coupled with this slow paced sad song, it made for very nice late night listening. Apparently it was a pretty popular title and thus through repeated broadcast I managed to find out her name i.e. 衛蘭

I went to Sembawang or Popular CD-Rama but neither place stock up on her album (sidenote: nowadays it is getting difficult to find good Cantonese albums in Singapore). Anyway, I managed to get my brother to buy the albums direct from HongKong. Have been listening to the albums day and night (yes, even when I am in the office) over the past two weeks and must say the hype is justified. Her voice is not the strongest but definitely very sweet and good range.

But you know what the bonus is? She is actually quite chio..... Haha.... I am not the superficial type, I fell in love with the voice first, the chio part is just bonus...

Highly recommended, the albums, I mean.

Doc, you said the cure is to do what?!

Well, I am up.... Slept at 3plus and up by 8plus.... let me see, 5 hours worth of sleep.... and 4 hours from the day before means I have only slept 9 hours over 48 hours..... Damn, am I going to look ugly......

She is right, even I am thinking about the blog first thing I wake up. Believe it or not, I am not even thinking about the Wii now. No Wii Sports and no Zelda.... Does that mean she is, at this point in time, more attractive than Nintendo?! Hard to believe that can be true.... Guess I need to buy the PS3 today to test out this theory further..... Haha... stupid excuse to buy another toy... Sometimes I really give all sorts of BS.....

Focus! What are we talking about here?.... Well, chatted super long with her last night till 3am this morning...... Pleasant? Yes... It really put a smile on my face when I was doing that. I just feel happy when I do that. Just like from the past..... I simply don't know why. Or rather, I just don't want to admit it or rather I cannot admit it. It will change the whole ball game if I ever do say the wrong thing. Don't complicate the situation further.....

I have been secretly asking myself that even if a miracle were to happen, and we do fit each other like a T, would marriage even be possible? We, consciously or unconsciously, chatted about housing and children and other stuff but at the end of the day would this even be acceptable? Meaning would people in the know support, scorn, or laugh about this so-called union? She did mention her parents are liberal but I still say she would get slapped for even considering this.... Honest truth. I am sure mom will be pleased if she knows about this. Wonder if this will help her to hold on if I promise to marry and have a child?

Sigh, I am really thinking one thousand steps ahead of myself.... The key thing now is for me to understand if the infatuation for this gal will genuinely stay or wane once I have "conquered" the peak.... I don't want to hurt anyone like before..... Positives already reviewed.... so no issue with those... My negatives.... bad temper, impatient, would those be a problem? Not sure but certainly hope not. Besides, she claims to be worst and throws tantrums too..... Gut feeling still thinks the strong positives (probably even better than me in some aspect) are worth it compared to any shortcomings.

But sometimes I really don't know why she can (or would) accept a person like me. I mean, age is one thing but physical appearance wise I don't exactly look too dandy either....... Would she feel embarrassed going out with this middle age balding guy if our status do change? Would she mind the stares that people may/will give? Wouldn't she mind? Sigh....

After all the typing, I am fully awake now.... Wash up and breakfast....

And what is this illness again?

I am in deep-shit. Really, really deep-shit.

I am totally confused right now. The euphoria is so intense that it is a crime not to continue feeding on it. Really, it seems to be like a source of joy and happiness as I put it to her.

Family, children, spouse, and stuff, all these images are suddenly flashing like light bulbs in my head (again). Haha... I have to admit, it is even possible for a guy in his late 40s to bring his children to school without looking out of place?

Tired.... I think I will think through this again after some sleep.....

Just another Friday

I had a good chat with the gal and understood a couple more things. Pleasantly surprised..... I feel at peace right now. I think I have done the right thing last evening to have shared with her my inner thoughts. Or rather, I should thank her for forcing it out from me. Sometimes gals really do do it better than me.....

It's always the month of May....... Always.... Well, really, I don't intend to do anything about it; just let nature takes its course. Selfishly, maybe just a silent prayer.....

I promised her/myself to do another VOEP just to offer both of us some closure on this. Thereafter, all blogs about her will not be published anymore. The new ones will remain in my custody until maybe they are needed again...... Hopefully, it's not going to be May again.

Well, a relatively brighter note is that I finally got my Nintendo Wii set. Damn !#$%^&*( thing took more than 3 months to arrive. But once I set it up, guess it was worth the wait after all.... Hehe.......

The question now is how to divide my time over the things that I need to do over the weekend? Another !#$%^&*^&* moment for me to figure out.... Maybe just end up sleeping..... Gosh, do I need some sleep ...... dilemma, dilemma... ha

VOEP IV (Work in progress)

I know she is reading this. However, I did promise her that I will do a closing chapter on this before I close out the window. And I did promise myself to treat her as non-existent in this blog page...... Just for closure...... VOEP Chapter Four......

Life is sometimes very funny... Very unpredictable... So full of ups and downs. Whatever considered as "sway", it probably has my name on it. Family, love, marriage, work, school etc anything and everything, every single phase of my life, my name is probably on its Hall of Shame. The perpetual "Sway Kid, I guess. How many times have I seen things turn out OK for a second and then suddenly it goes over the deep end? Countless, I guess. Maybe to others it's a challenge, an opportunity to be seized. Well, if so, I would gladly pass this opportunity to the next hero in line. For me, I am tired and ready to settle for some peace and quiet.

Same for this VOEP gal. Really, when was the last time I really, really, went head over heels for some gal? Honestly? Five, six, or seven years? Has it really been that long? But why go through it again? I ask myself...... I am already 40 and still playing this stupid game whereas all my other friends have literally become fathers and probably disciplining their (primary) school going children by now. Crazy to say the least.... I should have entered the boring-dad-goes-to-work-and-brings-home-the-bacon phase a looooong time ago. Yet I am going all over the place to chase after a gal in her 20s. Why? To compensate for some deprived teenage and young adult years? Well, there are two problems here:

Problem #1: Go look in the mirror.....
Problem #2: Go read Problem #1......

Which gal, in their right mind, would even bother to look at me?? Duh...... Real dumb to say the least.

To be continued......

10th May '07: Actually I don't know if this blog will ever be completed..... Simply too many other stuff to do... ha

Fan mail

Ok, I have finally revealed my blog address to a person that knows my true identity. And surprisingly, it's her. I mean, if there is anyone that I should NOT be telling it to, it's got to be her...... Ha.... But when she started to go "please, please", I simply gave up. Here you go, Madam, here's the keys to the safe, just remember to not leave the door open after you have ransacked the place.... Ha.

By now, she would have understood my true feelings for her and really, it was never my intention to shock or scare her with my revelations. The One up there should know I didn't act this out but rather, the blog entries will simply show when and how it begun.

Maybe I am more mature or more thick skinned but surprisingly, the confession is easier to do the 2nd time around and I hope that this time, the end result wouldn't turn out to be half as disastrous. Really, I won't have the energy to go through another round of emotional hell. Gosh, if I had handled all my affairs as well as I did yesterday, I would probably be a much happier person today. Much, much happier.....

When I first started this blog, I wondered how honest I would be in my blogs. You know, how much would I detail without revealing my true identity. Now the cat is out of the bag for at least one person, I can still honestly say that I will continue as per normal. I certainly have no intention of hiding anything.

And yes, I did promise that things will go on as normal but we all know that truly normal is never possible after you have revealed that you have developed a l**e for someone. She was worried that she would be leading me on but hey from nothing to where I am now, she can lead me to anywhere anytime....... Anyway, let's just see how long this fan plans to stick around to read my past, present, and future thoughts. Hopefully, I can now go back to my original intent of archiving my happy past..... And boy am I glad I did not upload that letter...... Ha.... Phew....

Well, alarm just went off.... Time to get ready for work.

Hopefully, May this time around or in the future will bring better things for me.