One giant leap for happiness

Several incidents happened the past Sunday that really, really put me in 7th heaven.....

First, Princess introduced her best friend Mary-Ann to me. Happened that her best friend was visiting (from Australia) and she wanted to go to the National Library to meet a friend. Thing was Princess openly shared with her friend who I am and was not shy to introduce me to her friend. I mean, it really meant a lot to me that Princess really treated me like her boyfriend(?). Really touched by this small but significant act of acknowledgement.

Her best friend looked to be friendly enough and doesn't look to mind the relationship between Princess and myself. Well, I do think she is cool. Yeah, the first meeting was kind of OK by my standards. Ha, does that mean if I am cool with Mary-Ann, Princess don't mind continuing to date me?

Secondly, I can really sense Princess becoming very ultra comfy with me and that really made me extremely confident about us. I am sure I am now someone of great significance to her and I am proud and blessed.... Really, same old story, I simply didn't expect things to work out so well.... Love her to death....

Thirdly and perhaps most significant of all, I kissed Princess. Yes, I kissed Princess on the lips! To little old me that is an act that I never knew would happen to me ever again. To be able to kiss her tender lips was just something so heavenly that I know I will do it at every opportunity and always with the same loving feeling... I feel so blessed.....

I really need to pray that someone up there to continue showering me with this happiness that I am feeling now. Really, I love Princess with every bit of my heart and I want her to feel the same one too. Please never, ever let me repeat my past mistakes. Never.....

To Princess, may this blog be a witness of my commitment to you. Love you forever.

Wa lau... so long

Well, I have managed to put in quite a full day today.... Went to the hospital to speak to the doctor, then went office to do some work, returned home to wash the car, and then napped for something like 15minutes before the nieces came over to play the Wii.

But still, it is only 7:40pm.... Sigh, at least 3 more hours before I can hear Princess's voice. Damn.... gotta find something to past time... Think I better watch TV or watch....

Damn it... this is killing me....

Return of the Princess

Princess will be flying home tonight! Can't wait to see her. Well, this must have been once of the longest week I've ever experienced in my life. Time just feels it is standing still while waiting for her to return home.

Really, simply can't wait to hold her hand and do what we do best - Chat!! Dare I say a few bear hugs too? Hmm....

伊苹

好久没有用中文写写了,有点生疏了。真的是太可惜了。华语如此,日语也如此,看来真的要下一番功夫来练習才行。

认识了伊苹之后就一直用英语来表达我对她的爱意。说老实话,我人都已经四十岁了却对这一位年龄比我小一大把的女生动了这么深的真情,真的让我意想不到。

我只能说我真的非常非常的爱她。就好像之前我说过的,我愿意用我这余生的幸福来下赌注,用它来换取她的爱。。。就算我从此以后什么都没有,我也会觉得和过得很开心,很幸福。。。我真的很渴望我的第二春就是她。。。

伊苹,对于你我真的有那种恋爱的感觉。你有一种我无法抗拒的气质。我就认为你很有才华和智慧!你能听到我内心在说”我爱你”吗?我可以在我生命终点的时候有你握着我的手吗?

你要答应我,一定要非我不嫁好吗?我用生命来向你保证,现在的我已经不是以前的我,我一定会做一个好男人,好丈夫,好朋友,好女婿等等。。。相信我!

Mom

Sigh.... in the midst of my happiness, I see my mom slowly withering away which is dampening my joy. At times I really feel like telling her about Princess, tell her that her desire to see me get married may indeed come through, and assure her that I will not be alone anymore. However, I really don't want to put pressure on Princess or myself or give mom false hope just in case things really don't work out.

It is all about timing. It is impossible for Princess to come into my life several years ago but is mom still strong enough to wait for me to finally see me getting married years down the road? I don't know, let's hope things turn out fine.

Princess is away

I am very lonely.... Princess is away for only two days and I already cannot take it. Don't want to play my games and don't feel like watching the Champions' League final tonight....

Actually, this really shows how much she means to me nowadays..... indispensable..... If I can compress time, I'll let her see how precious she will still be to me 12 months down the road and convince her to spend the rest of her life with me. Then, only then, will I feel truly secure and sure no one will snatch her from me.... Sigh.... Is this how lovesick feels? Really bad...

I wanna hold your hand

Just like the old Beatles' song, I finally have the opportunity to hold Princess's hands (well, at least only the right hand, I think). Wasn't really kind of spontaneous of anything like that but she didn't really protest when I held her hand. Again, totally not sure what she thought of that but it was indeed a good feeling for me.

To be honest, haven't really held a gal's hand with the intention of showing affection in a long, long time. Being able to do so again, well, just felt so wonderful.

Still boils down to the question, will I be the only man standing when she finally makes her choice? Sigh, what happens if that doesn't happen? How would I feel? Must be real bad huh?

Well, why should I care so much.... What will be will be....... Just continue to do good and be truthful to your feelings towards her. I think the results will be sweet in the end.....

I am positively sure I'll cry and embrace her when that day comes along. I'll patiently wait for that day to happen and hopefully, hopefully, the star-lined skies above Labrador Park will be able to witness that blessed event.....

Love finally?

Yesterday was another special day.... It's a day of many first; just like in recent weeks.....

She picked me up from the company and together we went to NUS to do our work. I just want to be physically with her while we both go about doing our own things...... At least we can both accomplish personal stuff while being together.

Thereafter, Princess and I went shopping and TOGETHER we bought an new mobile phone. Something that she will use for the next few years and something that will remind her that we bought it together..... Yup, everytime she uses that mobile, it will be a reminder to her that we went to Bugis Junction together to buy that.

We spent the evening watching the FA Cup final @ Robertson Walk together with friends. Watching her from behind while she chats with her best friends, I felt so blessed that she and I are together and working towards a relationship. I know she will scold me for thinking this but I look at myself and then her and cannot but feel inferior compared to her..... Insecurity again? Perhaps, ha...

Actually, I was wondering what were the many first that we had ever since we became an item. Too many to list out, really..... Several significant ones come to mind, though not in chronological order:

- First time she volunteered to drive to my office to bring me out for lunch (at Ghim Moh)
- First time she came over to my office for Sunday lunch (Mac's)
- First time she let me drive her home after an evening out (Labrador park)
- First time we went to out on a evening together (Sunday dinner @ Old Airport road; chatting near Indoor Stadium)
- Etc

Just too many to list. I am now truly and madly in love with her and I hope things will become better and better with each passing day.

I will now center my life around her...... unless family matter calls.... Work is definitely secondary compared to her.

Maybe it has taken a long time but I really think this is finally it......

Multiply dot com

I finally saw Princess's blog. Those were probably only a selection of the entries that she had made but I can really see her commitment to her faith. Very staunch (is that the word?) indeed.

Can't say the blogs provided me any (more) insight about what I already know about her but I guess she can sometimes indeed be confused and insecure about things. Well, that shows everyone have their moment of vulnerability in life, no matter how strong they protray themselves to be.

Ban lifted!

After what I had learned and experienced last night, I hereby declare that the short-lived ban on VOEP will be lifted!

I will take on any challenges head on from this point in time! No more Mr Nice Guy! Haha.....

A step in the right direction

Last night was strange. I received a PEP-CS (that's our secret communication file) reply from Princess in which she expressed how her ex-bf was trying to convince her to go back with him. At that time, I started to sulk because I wasn't sure which role I should play, either the uncle agony or the guy madly in love. In the end, I thought I had to be magnanimous and advised her to consider her ex's proposal before deciding. I must admit, I was rather sad when I made that decision.

Then came her reply... She was disappointed, in her own words, that I, as someone who proclaimed who likes her so much would throw away the opportunity given to me. A rare opportunity given specially to me to get to know her better..... She was DISAPPOINTED. That statement really struck a blow to my head. It made me realised why I had done what I did.... I was a COWARD. I was afraid that I would end up with nothing in the end. In the end, I realised what a disappointment I was, a bloody coward who wouldn't stand up and fight for his once-in-a-lifetime love. Not only that, it made her disappointed. It made her feel that I was really not worthy.

After I finally realised what had happened, I had to respond. I mean, I really have to grow up and fight for what I truly believe in. She is the one that I truly believe in and I sulked just because he sent her sms(es) trying to convince her to come back to him? No more, mister! I now know that there is no fair play in the world of love. He had and blew all this chances and now it is MY turn. If he wants it again, he has to queue up and try to take me down. Well, all I can say is that good luck trying for I will never give up!

I did write to and aplogised to Princess this morning and I promise never ever to think so cowardly again. I mean, by virture of her giving me all these chances, doesn't it that mean she has already looked upon me as more than a friend? I was so stupid to focus on a dot while the whole picture painted a different story!

Princess looked to have forgive me and even came to dine with me. I sooooo enjoyed the time that I spent with her. What was I thinking last evening?! No more! That thought has been forever banished and purged from my mind!

Princess, I will not let you down. I only want a good ending like track #10.......

No title

Simply can't think of an appropriate title for tonight's entry. I learned that VOEP's ex is actively pursuing her and trying to patch up with her. To be honest, I really don't know which side I should be taking. I am probably too deep into this to actually be benevolent enough to wish the other party well but not doing so would simply be so, what's the word again? Hypocritical?

VOEP.... from nothing to something

I am a very happy man now of these days. From virtually no chance to now being good friends with VOEP, I simply cannot describe the joy in my heart.

I can feel that she is very comfortable with me nowadays and of course, me with her.

Being the greedy person that I am, I can only hope that she will continue to give me the chance to prove to her my sincerity.

I guess that light bulb that went off in my head the other day really spurred me on.... Like what I said in the comm file, I would rather tried and failed than not tried at all...... No matter what, I will continue on and will not stop until the day she says YES!

Told her tonight that I would like to let her try out my stereo.... Actually, all I want is to gently coax her to sleep while listening to soft music...... just watching her sleep contentedly beside me.

I really think we can make it.....

Porn

Didn't know VOEP is so against porn. Although I don't know whether it is due her religion but she was very against it....

Being a guy, I actually don't feel as stronger against this as her. To me, as long as the guy still loves the gal and does not cross the line or act out his fantasy on the gal, I think it is up to them to manage the situation. However, I do agree with her that sex is a very sacred thing between two parties and thus when they really do it, it is really as an expression of love.

OK, strike porn off my list then.....

Trip to the doctor (misc)

Actually, I do feel this spring in my steps nowadays since I got to really know VOEP better. Just feel happier as a person since then. She really has a very positive effect on me so much so that I really miss her when I am not with her. Just like what happened at the clinic today. I still felt OK after what happened to my pants and reacted in a manner that is reflective of my happy mood. No one has ever had that kind of effect on me before. If I missed the boat on this one, how long do I have to wait to have another chance at someone else? Maybe never.....

I really wonder if she has ever viewed myself as a possible candidate. With a person like her, I just feel that I will move mountains to please her and make her happy. With her personality and she knowing me, I am sure she will not take advantage or bully me. I just feel that mutual respect is very strong between us at this point in time.

Sigh, sometimes I know I am deceiving myself about my feelings for her but really don't want to complicate her love life more than it is now. Really, even though deep down I feel maybe her current relationship is not viable anymore, I do hope that it will turn out good for her. I must not have selfish thoughts because I am really very concerned about this gal. Even if I get nothing in the end, I am really happy if things work out fine for her.

Probably I will cry and moan about the lost of this (perfect) One but I should just think back about the happy days and be thankful. Sigh, people are always greedy and never contended.

Families of 2nd and 3rd bro were here today for a family gathering. Even dad was here.... All the nieces were busily and happily playing the Wii. Guess this $600 spent is much more priceless than any LV pouch unlike what Princess challenged me :) .... priceless in the sense that EVERYONE was involved in the fun. For once, I must say the Wii worked wonders to bring laughter to everyone, including me.

How I wish I have a family to join in with them.... Can someone up there help me on this?

Trip to the doctor.....

Haha.... funny thing happened today.

Brought VOEP to the clinic today to see the doctor. Really glad she went to see him because it will definitely help with her skin condition. But I must say even at her current state, she looked very much OK to me. Well, I guess girls will be girls and must have perfect skin to be vain and happy. Ha.

Well, seemed like I am a Very Important Past-customer because the nurses liked remembered who this guy is.... Ha, really didn't expect that to happen. Too bad they can't cure my baldness... haha... I am used to it so no biggie nowadays.

The funny thing and totally unexpected thing was this incident. While VOEP went inside to see the doc, I accidentally sat onto a chair that had collected water due to a leaky air con and boy were my pants wet. Didn't really know what to do but approached the counter to inform the nurses about the problem. They were apologetic and started to attend to my "wet" pants. One of them took a towel and started to squeeze water out of my pants but while doing so praised me for being a good boy because I was not angry or anything but rather was cool about the whole thing. Haha.... I mean, what could I have done during that time?

It was like so funny because I am by no measures a boy anymore but she mentioned that I am one since I am (much?) younger than her. Maybe she didn't know I was like 40 already? Guess those cosmetic products do work wonders huh? Anyway, VOEP came out and was like wondering why was this lady behind my back and working on my pants... Ha. Hinted to the nurse to repeat the praises to VOEP but not sure whether VOEP heard them or not :)

But I do learned today that newspaper is actually a very good absorbent; I was like sitting on the papers that they provided and the moisture was really removed in a jiffy. Good trick to use in the future.

Don't know why, while VOEP was waiting for the medicine, the nurse heaped praises on me (ask me how many brothers do I have? whether they are same like me? mom will be very happy if so etc) which I felt quite embarrassed towards the end. I guess being courteous does make it easier to resolve everything. No one got angry and everyone got a good laugh out of it.

As I told VOEP, maybe they will now also remember this friend of the VIP... haha...

Sweet Voice

Gave VOEP a wake up call this morning... It rang a few times before I woke her up (I think) but her voice... it was actually very sweet.... Again, stupid to think so but that daze in her morning voice rather adds to her charm. Yeah, come to think of it, she does have a sweet voice but I would say maybe not the singing voice type....

Poor gal only had 4 hours of rest, I reckon she must be tired. I will drive lah.

Emptiness

Don't know why, just missed VOEP very, very, very much out of a sudden. Can't describe it, just feel that way. I actually sms her and asked whether she will be angry or slap me if I say I miss her?

Ha, I think I am a goner with this girl; simply no way to stop thinking of her. She just makes me feel very happy. Damn it! I just don't know why...... Or rather, I know exactly the reasons.

Party on Wii

Well, the nieces are here tonight. Again, happy family playing the Wii together... Haha... really, one big happy family. I am so happy for them :)

At least my Wii is always fully utilised when they are here. Guess I need to buy Wario Ware so that we can play those mini-games together.

No trespassing

Well, I told Princess that I will no longer open some of blogs to her because it is not fair to both of us. That is the right thing to do, really.

As such, no trespassing even for Princess.... sorry.

Neglected Wii

Surprisingly, I paid over $600 for the Wii but yet I have not really played a lot on it. Games are interesting but yet I hardly clocked much playing time on it. Is this really the change that I am sensing in myself? That I have really passed the video game phase? I really wonder....

Well, if VOEP is here, I am sure I can introduce her to the Wii. Wonder if she will call this crap too.... Ha.... VOEP playing video games, probably that will be a first... ha.... I will beat the hell out of her in ANY games....

Better save some money lah.....

Why?

I must really ask him, why?!! Why do you want to make sure a good girl wait?!! Why?!! Do you really need me to go over to you and whack some sense into your brain?! Why would you let such a good girl wait 6 years for you?!! Why?!! Do you want to wait till the day someone snatches her from you?!! My goodness!!

If I had such a good fortune, I will proudly announce to the whole world! No matter what the problem is, resolve it but don't let such a good lady wait for you, please don't...... You really don't know what a gem you have in YOUR hands. She still loves you a lot.... If you don't want it, pass it to me, I will gladly accept it.

I will take her as my pride, start a family and enjoy the bliss that I have always yearned for. Have a few kids and then together we will watch them grow. I will do all sorts of things together with her every single day until the day I die. And if I do go, I hope it will be the same day and never earlier than her.

You are an idiot to leave her waiting for such a long time...... Sometimes other people get all the luck but simply don't know how to appreciate it.

This is probably the most cruel form of retribution to me.

Star gazing....

I have said before star gazing is one of my favorite to-do things. Never did a lot of that to be honest and definitely don't know any of the stars or constellations but I just love to lift my head into the night sky and stare or search for them.....

Why am I talking about this tonight? Well, as I was walking to the market to buy dinner (and unsuccessfully SMSing VOEP), I gazed up into the sky and saw this lone star. Mind you the area was well lighted so nothing spectacular about that but it did trigger a lonely thought..... Would I ever be able to do it with someone that I love? Would I ever be able to show someone why I like to do that?

I still remember the very first night I moved into Casafina, I realised that there was this spot outside the balcony that offered a good view of the night sky because the street and house light around that area was pretty dim. That was calming..... I spent at least like what?, 20 minutes just looking at the stars? Just looking and counting, 1, 2, 3.... and straining my neck to see if I could see more above the roof.... Sigh, should have placed a chair outside and continued with that..... 1, 2, 3,...... Now that I have moved out, no more......

I have always wondered if the stars would looked prettier in remote resorts in Malaysia or Thailand. I really do......

Why are my eyes tearing up again? Is it because I miss doing it or I know I miss not having someone to do it with?

Something is definitely wrong with me tonight.... Mood swings again?... Ha.... stupid me.....

PS: Realised it's number 44 again.... 8:44pm when I posted this... What is the significance of this number? Why do I keep seeing it? Die Die? Happy Happy?

Reality....

Reality is that mom is still ill and not recovering fully.

Reality is that she may really be on her last leg. One year? Two years? Five Years? Her quality of life has suffered so much that I am not sure in what manner should I pray for her.

Reality is that she is my mom. No matter what happens, I will put her on first priority.

Reality is that VOEP has become very important to me. Really don't know how it became this way so fast so soon but I guess sometimes you can't explain certain things....

Reality is that this may all end in the month of May (again). Call it bad vibes or history repeating itself but I just feel that way....

Reality is that I will still be happy for her although I am not sure why. Maybe I have to face reality?

Reality is that Michelle Chia is still very pretty even though she is probably in her early to mid 30s by now? Haha... got sidetrack by the TV programme.....

Reality is that life goes on..... Even without mom, even without VOEP. Just don't know what else to say......

Princess VOEP

Hehe.... I have decided to refer her as Princess since she likes to be treated like one.... However, I am not going to give her full Princess treatment lest her head swells big and ill-treats me... Nope.... Sure I'm gonna give her some preferential treatment but she got to earn some of it too....

Well, off to work.

Sunday lunch

VOEP swung by the office for a quick lunch today. Lunch menu was MacDonald's but she had the nuggets while I just took some fries and lemonade. Actually, I didn't tell her that I just had brunch 1/2 hour before she SMSed me :) .... Maybe she wouldn't come by if I did... ha. And as usual, we chatted but just for an hour or so before she left to give tuition (plus 800k points for being kind hearted). Again, exchanging views about life, friends, and topic of the day, different expectations for friends and loved ones. Definitely fun!

I did SMS her later and told her we are probably (and insanely?) spending a lot of quality time together. You know, chatting, emails, and lunches. Haha, I wonder for this week, did I clock the highest number of hours talking to her? I counted the SMSes and it was not low either.... I hope she has enough quota to cover those....

On a serious note, I did ask her later on why would she liked our conversations more than the then-potential suitor? I mean, from the way I looked at it, the topics of discussions cannot be much different between the various guys. My guess was we tend to share similar sentiments and thus our conversations would be relatively more enjoyable? She does kind of agree with that observation.... Tell me why am I not surprised anymore? Haha....

What is surprising is that our friendship grew so deep so quickly. Again, how and why this turned out this way is still very puzzling to me (and perhaps her). I mean, yes, I really do like her but a friendship or bond needs two mutual parties in order to develop but I dare say we have developed a very deep respect for each other only over the past month or so. This is so good (or perfect?), dare I say, a bond that both parties don't know whether it is for real or just some short term euphoria. I was asking her whether she was afraid it may turn out to be temporary, like and oasis.....

Frankly, I also don't know how this will turn out in the long run as I told her. Just too sinfully pleasant as I described it. Well, only time will tell.....

Anyway, later on she SMSed me saying that her student repeated the positives that I had told her before. I was like "Duh", what's so surprising about that? Haha...

Janice 衛蘭

This is my girlfriend......NOT! Haha. Her name is Janice 衛蘭, a singer in HongKong.

Some of my friends know that I usually log onto the Internet to listen to this particular Hong Kong radio station (I gotta remember to write something about that great programme too). Anyway, it was there that I first heard of the song "离家出走" and at that time I didn't know who the singer was but I liked the song a lot. Female vocals in Cantonese are always very soothing but her voice was exceptionally sweet. Coupled with this slow paced sad song, it made for very nice late night listening. Apparently it was a pretty popular title and thus through repeated broadcast I managed to find out her name i.e. 衛蘭

I went to Sembawang or Popular CD-Rama but neither place stock up on her album (sidenote: nowadays it is getting difficult to find good Cantonese albums in Singapore). Anyway, I managed to get my brother to buy the albums direct from HongKong. Have been listening to the albums day and night (yes, even when I am in the office) over the past two weeks and must say the hype is justified. Her voice is not the strongest but definitely very sweet and good range.

But you know what the bonus is? She is actually quite chio..... Haha.... I am not the superficial type, I fell in love with the voice first, the chio part is just bonus...

Highly recommended, the albums, I mean.

Doc, you said the cure is to do what?!

Well, I am up.... Slept at 3plus and up by 8plus.... let me see, 5 hours worth of sleep.... and 4 hours from the day before means I have only slept 9 hours over 48 hours..... Damn, am I going to look ugly......

She is right, even I am thinking about the blog first thing I wake up. Believe it or not, I am not even thinking about the Wii now. No Wii Sports and no Zelda.... Does that mean she is, at this point in time, more attractive than Nintendo?! Hard to believe that can be true.... Guess I need to buy the PS3 today to test out this theory further..... Haha... stupid excuse to buy another toy... Sometimes I really give all sorts of BS.....

Focus! What are we talking about here?.... Well, chatted super long with her last night till 3am this morning...... Pleasant? Yes... It really put a smile on my face when I was doing that. I just feel happy when I do that. Just like from the past..... I simply don't know why. Or rather, I just don't want to admit it or rather I cannot admit it. It will change the whole ball game if I ever do say the wrong thing. Don't complicate the situation further.....

I have been secretly asking myself that even if a miracle were to happen, and we do fit each other like a T, would marriage even be possible? We, consciously or unconsciously, chatted about housing and children and other stuff but at the end of the day would this even be acceptable? Meaning would people in the know support, scorn, or laugh about this so-called union? She did mention her parents are liberal but I still say she would get slapped for even considering this.... Honest truth. I am sure mom will be pleased if she knows about this. Wonder if this will help her to hold on if I promise to marry and have a child?

Sigh, I am really thinking one thousand steps ahead of myself.... The key thing now is for me to understand if the infatuation for this gal will genuinely stay or wane once I have "conquered" the peak.... I don't want to hurt anyone like before..... Positives already reviewed.... so no issue with those... My negatives.... bad temper, impatient, would those be a problem? Not sure but certainly hope not. Besides, she claims to be worst and throws tantrums too..... Gut feeling still thinks the strong positives (probably even better than me in some aspect) are worth it compared to any shortcomings.

But sometimes I really don't know why she can (or would) accept a person like me. I mean, age is one thing but physical appearance wise I don't exactly look too dandy either....... Would she feel embarrassed going out with this middle age balding guy if our status do change? Would she mind the stares that people may/will give? Wouldn't she mind? Sigh....

After all the typing, I am fully awake now.... Wash up and breakfast....

And what is this illness again?

I am in deep-shit. Really, really deep-shit.

I am totally confused right now. The euphoria is so intense that it is a crime not to continue feeding on it. Really, it seems to be like a source of joy and happiness as I put it to her.

Family, children, spouse, and stuff, all these images are suddenly flashing like light bulbs in my head (again). Haha... I have to admit, it is even possible for a guy in his late 40s to bring his children to school without looking out of place?

Tired.... I think I will think through this again after some sleep.....

Just another Friday

I had a good chat with the gal and understood a couple more things. Pleasantly surprised..... I feel at peace right now. I think I have done the right thing last evening to have shared with her my inner thoughts. Or rather, I should thank her for forcing it out from me. Sometimes gals really do do it better than me.....

It's always the month of May....... Always.... Well, really, I don't intend to do anything about it; just let nature takes its course. Selfishly, maybe just a silent prayer.....

I promised her/myself to do another VOEP just to offer both of us some closure on this. Thereafter, all blogs about her will not be published anymore. The new ones will remain in my custody until maybe they are needed again...... Hopefully, it's not going to be May again.

Well, a relatively brighter note is that I finally got my Nintendo Wii set. Damn !#$%^&*( thing took more than 3 months to arrive. But once I set it up, guess it was worth the wait after all.... Hehe.......

The question now is how to divide my time over the things that I need to do over the weekend? Another !#$%^&*^&* moment for me to figure out.... Maybe just end up sleeping..... Gosh, do I need some sleep ...... dilemma, dilemma... ha

VOEP IV (Work in progress)

I know she is reading this. However, I did promise her that I will do a closing chapter on this before I close out the window. And I did promise myself to treat her as non-existent in this blog page...... Just for closure...... VOEP Chapter Four......

Life is sometimes very funny... Very unpredictable... So full of ups and downs. Whatever considered as "sway", it probably has my name on it. Family, love, marriage, work, school etc anything and everything, every single phase of my life, my name is probably on its Hall of Shame. The perpetual "Sway Kid, I guess. How many times have I seen things turn out OK for a second and then suddenly it goes over the deep end? Countless, I guess. Maybe to others it's a challenge, an opportunity to be seized. Well, if so, I would gladly pass this opportunity to the next hero in line. For me, I am tired and ready to settle for some peace and quiet.

Same for this VOEP gal. Really, when was the last time I really, really, went head over heels for some gal? Honestly? Five, six, or seven years? Has it really been that long? But why go through it again? I ask myself...... I am already 40 and still playing this stupid game whereas all my other friends have literally become fathers and probably disciplining their (primary) school going children by now. Crazy to say the least.... I should have entered the boring-dad-goes-to-work-and-brings-home-the-bacon phase a looooong time ago. Yet I am going all over the place to chase after a gal in her 20s. Why? To compensate for some deprived teenage and young adult years? Well, there are two problems here:

Problem #1: Go look in the mirror.....
Problem #2: Go read Problem #1......

Which gal, in their right mind, would even bother to look at me?? Duh...... Real dumb to say the least.

To be continued......

10th May '07: Actually I don't know if this blog will ever be completed..... Simply too many other stuff to do... ha

Fan mail

Ok, I have finally revealed my blog address to a person that knows my true identity. And surprisingly, it's her. I mean, if there is anyone that I should NOT be telling it to, it's got to be her...... Ha.... But when she started to go "please, please", I simply gave up. Here you go, Madam, here's the keys to the safe, just remember to not leave the door open after you have ransacked the place.... Ha.

By now, she would have understood my true feelings for her and really, it was never my intention to shock or scare her with my revelations. The One up there should know I didn't act this out but rather, the blog entries will simply show when and how it begun.

Maybe I am more mature or more thick skinned but surprisingly, the confession is easier to do the 2nd time around and I hope that this time, the end result wouldn't turn out to be half as disastrous. Really, I won't have the energy to go through another round of emotional hell. Gosh, if I had handled all my affairs as well as I did yesterday, I would probably be a much happier person today. Much, much happier.....

When I first started this blog, I wondered how honest I would be in my blogs. You know, how much would I detail without revealing my true identity. Now the cat is out of the bag for at least one person, I can still honestly say that I will continue as per normal. I certainly have no intention of hiding anything.

And yes, I did promise that things will go on as normal but we all know that truly normal is never possible after you have revealed that you have developed a l**e for someone. She was worried that she would be leading me on but hey from nothing to where I am now, she can lead me to anywhere anytime....... Anyway, let's just see how long this fan plans to stick around to read my past, present, and future thoughts. Hopefully, I can now go back to my original intent of archiving my happy past..... And boy am I glad I did not upload that letter...... Ha.... Phew....

Well, alarm just went off.... Time to get ready for work.

Hopefully, May this time around or in the future will bring better things for me.

Love lost and never found

Ha, didn't expect such a swing within 24 hours. Last evening, the way I interpreted things, it does seem like she is interested but yet another scenario is painted today.

Of course I'm sadden by this sudden (?) turn of events but at the same time I cannot deny that this has been one of the better periods in my life over the last few years. At least I can speak to someone that i truly admire and respect...... She is so wonderfully good a person that I cannot but help feel good towards her.

I must and will respect her decision; this sort of things cannot be forced, I have learned it the hard way.

A tingle of sadness inside a bundle of joy because at least I have someone who considers me a close friend.... One shouldn't be greedy else there will be retribution. However, there is also nothing against praying for a miracle....

VOEP III

Girls, can't live with them, can't live without them... Sigh, I really am lost right now!

Why must relationship be so complicated?

Please, just give me a chance! Please?

VOEP II

I cannot believe this!!!! She actually indicated that we are close friends!!!! I cannot f**king believe this!!!! Not matter how it turned out, I will be forever grateful for this opportunity!!!

Man!! Can I even sleep since I'm so estatic right now?

VOEP...

Ok, this is the official acronym for her! Haha, not sure how many would actually be able to decipher this but what the heck right?

This blog has certainly turned out to be soooo different from how I wanted it to be. Rather then reminiscing about the past, it turns out I'm secretly hoping for a new future. Ha, this crazy old fool actually thinks it is possible. Well, if our "elite" leaders of the PAP government can actually justify their 2+ million dollar annual salary, I most certainly think anything is possible. Yeah, pigs can fly too.