Divine reassurance

I have always said that my life path is full of downs and seldom as easy or as grand compared to others. Yes, I may not be the worst off but many a times I feel that I really need to go through a lot of pain and suffering (emotional or otherwise) just to gain some results while it may drop in the laps of others for the same time.

That is why at times I just hope for a piece of good luck to find assurance that I am not the worst and somewhere and somehow I may not neglected from the One's big picture. Stupid to say but I feel that if I wager a bet and actually win, I feel good knowing that I still have some form of luck. But alas, even for such things I stumble.....

Well, maybe just like what the stars predicted, this year of the... year of the..... can't remember (sigh, very poor memory nowadays) is just a bad one for me....

Nothing seems to be going right....

Distant past

Occurred to me this morning that it is almost 5 years ago since I moved out from the landed property. Five years.... really a very, very long time. No wonder I am starting to forget some details of the old place. How did my life deteriorate so much that I went from sleeping in my own room and bed to sleeping on the floor on a mattress?

To say I am past feeling sad about losing my old place is quite a lie. If anything, at least that place get me a sense of security like a blanket. Or maybe I am just feeling nostalgia tonight? Maybe so, maybe so....

I see other people having plans to do this or that, study or be a boss, move to a new job etc. I can't say I don't envy them.... Just makes me feel so useless for doing the same old thing. In other people's eyes' I am probably just a stayer who has no ambitions.

I have many unfulfilled ambitions too.... How to fulfill them? No youth, no money, no time....... Really, should I just bite the bullet and go crazy for once or one last time? If not, will I die with many regrets? The distant past is just what it is.... a past that is so distant that it is really a joke thinking what could have been or should have been.

Another day gone....

Drooping head

As I climbed up the stairs to my miserable flat this evening, it dwelled on me that I had my head drooped down and staring at the stairs all the way up till the 5th floor. The body language kinds of tells it all, hasn't been a good day at all.

I had thought that it would be an OK day but turned out I got a 5-minute earful about my incompetence as a manager. I don't think I am incompetent. I don't want to seen as incompetent. Am I incompetent? Maybe I am incompetent. I must be incompetent so that's why I was chided at..... Yeah, I guess I am incompetent.

No matter how hard I try, I just don't get appreciated. Just depressing to have this day in day out.

Head drooping...... Just punishment from whoever. It's OK. Practice the spirit of "Ah-Q", just let it be. Yup, just let it be.

Just not good at anything nowadays......

Diastrous day

Can't help but keep cursing the fella who stole my dear's handphone. Because of this person, my dear cried and I needed to work out how to salvage the situation. Because of this uncivilised behaviour of this thief cum beggar, dear and I lost something that we had happily went to purchase together. Really damn the fella!

Back of my mind now is also on the forthcoming visit by the customer, just in a daze now nothing can be helped since it is already so late. Just need to put in more effort tomorrow.

Seriously bad-luck for my dear today but I was glad that I can be there for her and to comfort her. I could tell that she was really sad at losing the 1-week old phone. Really thinking how to cheer her up.