I was hoping that I would be able to blog about the upcoming trip to Malaysia. My first trip ever to Kuala Lumpur..... Thought it would be nice to see a different city, somewhere that I have not been to. Nope..... my life just won't let me, just won't let me.
Every other day I have to feel sorry for myself, asking myself why things have to happen the way they happened. I didn't do anything to the GPS that would have caused the unit to die. I was just playing around with the software. That was all I did.....
Yes, I am unhappy. Yes, I pity myself. Yes, I just feel life is always finding ways to make my life less than optimal. I hate myself. I hate my life. Every time I try to encourage myself and say I am not the worst, something like this had to happen. Yeah, it could have happened to anyone but why on an item that was specially purchased from halfway across the globe? And so near to the day I need to use it? Over-reacting on my part? I don't know. It is not the GPS, it is things in general. Shit had to happen to me.
Still have work and other stuff lurking in the dark and just getting ready to bite me too.
Happy birthday..... Hope life is worth living for the new year....
Monday, December 22, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Depressing December....
I have not blogged for more than a month now. With many things happening around me, just didn't have the energy to blog at all.
First thing on my mind now is definitely the Japanese Language Proficiency Test that I finally set for in early Dec '08. Don't think I will pass but it also made me realise how far I am from ever becoming proficient in the language. It is almost 35 years to the day when I first saw the Japanese language. The Doraemon comics that I saw at Yaohan, was it? The curly language just captivated me and probably unconsciously seeded a desire to learn it one day. That one day was over 15 years when I first signed up for a Japanese language course and since then I have attempted to become proficient in that language without success. Just makes me so sad and disappointed. Good for nothing? Really, simple man simple dreams....... Can't even make the efforts to make this work for myself.
With the month of December drawing to a close soon, the year is coming to an end now. What a lousy and depressing year it has been for me. Work was really stressful where I subjected to numerous situations that really made me feel like resigning on the spot. At its peak, I probably felt like dying to spare myself the agony of all these work stress. Till this day, I still have that depressing feeling and desire to resign but don't have the courage to do so. Many people around me have gone on to better things except me. Just stuck in my job rotting away......
Luck has been the pits, probably the worst I have ever experienced in many years. I already had a couple of car accidents that caused me both time and money, both of which I can ill afford and on both occasions I was just the unlucky person at the wrong place and time. Really wonder why I was so "lucky" to be bestowed such experience? Lack of money luck is the other thing that bothered me tremendously. I only wanted to grow my money like everyone else but I have the Midas touch of shitty luck to lose money in whatever I invest in..... IMMEDIATELY. Sigh, no matter how I pray, my investments don't ever turn positive. Again, just my damn luck....
I just feel this year is just one super pathetic year in which nothing went right for me. I almost had another accident tonight. Everything was a blur when it happened but I recall how the out-of-control motorbike skidded into my lane and I was lucky to brake in time and not run over the rider.
Sigh.... Just hate it. I should stop writing lest I get too depressed and kill myself.... Will things finally go right for me next year? Or more of the same? Retrenchment in the plan? Who knows....
First thing on my mind now is definitely the Japanese Language Proficiency Test that I finally set for in early Dec '08. Don't think I will pass but it also made me realise how far I am from ever becoming proficient in the language. It is almost 35 years to the day when I first saw the Japanese language. The Doraemon comics that I saw at Yaohan, was it? The curly language just captivated me and probably unconsciously seeded a desire to learn it one day. That one day was over 15 years when I first signed up for a Japanese language course and since then I have attempted to become proficient in that language without success. Just makes me so sad and disappointed. Good for nothing? Really, simple man simple dreams....... Can't even make the efforts to make this work for myself.
With the month of December drawing to a close soon, the year is coming to an end now. What a lousy and depressing year it has been for me. Work was really stressful where I subjected to numerous situations that really made me feel like resigning on the spot. At its peak, I probably felt like dying to spare myself the agony of all these work stress. Till this day, I still have that depressing feeling and desire to resign but don't have the courage to do so. Many people around me have gone on to better things except me. Just stuck in my job rotting away......
Luck has been the pits, probably the worst I have ever experienced in many years. I already had a couple of car accidents that caused me both time and money, both of which I can ill afford and on both occasions I was just the unlucky person at the wrong place and time. Really wonder why I was so "lucky" to be bestowed such experience? Lack of money luck is the other thing that bothered me tremendously. I only wanted to grow my money like everyone else but I have the Midas touch of shitty luck to lose money in whatever I invest in..... IMMEDIATELY. Sigh, no matter how I pray, my investments don't ever turn positive. Again, just my damn luck....
I just feel this year is just one super pathetic year in which nothing went right for me. I almost had another accident tonight. Everything was a blur when it happened but I recall how the out-of-control motorbike skidded into my lane and I was lucky to brake in time and not run over the rider.
Sigh.... Just hate it. I should stop writing lest I get too depressed and kill myself.... Will things finally go right for me next year? Or more of the same? Retrenchment in the plan? Who knows....
Monday, November 10, 2008
Declining health
Physically I just feel so weak nowadays. I don't know what's going on or why but feeling very exhausted at the end of the day, like I need to sleep throughout the night to recoup.
Divestiture......
Learnt a new word today..... Divestiture.
My current company has decided to realign its business towards its new focus/mission on human and environmental health and in the process has announced plans to diversify those non-aligned part of the organisation. While I can't say I was surprised to hear that or rather I have guessed as much since I learned of the new company strategy last week, I don't really know I should react.
If the company gets spun off will that mean re-structuring will follow soon enough? Do I have to start looking for a new job now? If I do get retrenched, will I really be happy with the compensation package and not feel stressed that I will never find another job that pays as much? What about the other members of my department? Should I hope for the best or should I start planning for an exit plan right now?
The first thoughts that came to my mind was whether I will have enough money to buy a house and start a family. Tough...... Probably all my dream of a nice house in the east will be just that, a dream that cannot be fulfilled.....
Am I worry too much? Probably but that's just me.
My current company has decided to realign its business towards its new focus/mission on human and environmental health and in the process has announced plans to diversify those non-aligned part of the organisation. While I can't say I was surprised to hear that or rather I have guessed as much since I learned of the new company strategy last week, I don't really know I should react.
If the company gets spun off will that mean re-structuring will follow soon enough? Do I have to start looking for a new job now? If I do get retrenched, will I really be happy with the compensation package and not feel stressed that I will never find another job that pays as much? What about the other members of my department? Should I hope for the best or should I start planning for an exit plan right now?
The first thoughts that came to my mind was whether I will have enough money to buy a house and start a family. Tough...... Probably all my dream of a nice house in the east will be just that, a dream that cannot be fulfilled.....
Am I worry too much? Probably but that's just me.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Dropping ratings
Noticed that I am blogging a LOT less than in the past..... Damn it, must not let this blog die.....
Ditching my apprehensions
My dear is away on a holiday since last Friday. I wouldn't say I am lost without her beside me but it feels different no doubt. Many a times I have told myself to never take anyone for granted, especially my dear.
Ever since she was identified to be my One, I have told myself to cherish and make sure she stays the One but unfortunately I have struggling badly at times due to differences in certain areas. In terms of personality and value system, I do feel that we are very much compatible. Some minor issues at times but it has been as good as I envisioned in the past. Probably the biggest sticks are of lifestyle and religion. I am a strange person. At times I can be active.... going places and moving around but at other times I can be so plain lazy like a blob of fat, preferring to just laze around and rot although it is more of the latter in recent times. Anyway, dear likes to travel and see the world but I only prefer to do that occasionally.
As for religion, well, it just scares me.... I am not a very religious person but then again she is. The need to go churches, bringing up children to believe in God etc... not really my cup of tea but I guess need to compromise like everything else.
Almost 9am... sigh, better start work else I waste more of my time.....
Ever since she was identified to be my One, I have told myself to cherish and make sure she stays the One but unfortunately I have struggling badly at times due to differences in certain areas. In terms of personality and value system, I do feel that we are very much compatible. Some minor issues at times but it has been as good as I envisioned in the past. Probably the biggest sticks are of lifestyle and religion. I am a strange person. At times I can be active.... going places and moving around but at other times I can be so plain lazy like a blob of fat, preferring to just laze around and rot although it is more of the latter in recent times. Anyway, dear likes to travel and see the world but I only prefer to do that occasionally.
As for religion, well, it just scares me.... I am not a very religious person but then again she is. The need to go churches, bringing up children to believe in God etc... not really my cup of tea but I guess need to compromise like everything else.
Almost 9am... sigh, better start work else I waste more of my time.....
Discipline
Discipline in the sense that I lack it.... Today is the last day of a 4-day holiday (like real) for me but except for a true half-day effort on Saturday to work, the rest of the days were just spent doing other stuff. Well, they were things that I had to do like visiting the doctor, having a short back rub, clearing up my computer etc but I did not spend enough time doing things that are critical, namely studying and working.
Yes, really must buck up today as this is the last day that I can do something before I go back to work in a lousy organisation. Some many things that I wish I can do and the want is lacking nowadays..... Maybe hoping for a golden handshake is not the best of wishes but at times I think the will is giving in. Who knows, with the current economic downturn, I may not even need to wish for it.
The Ds..... Discipline, Determination, Desire.... I owe it to myself to make something out of today.
Also need to be very discipline with my money. With the economy going south and a large portion of my cash portfolio stuck, I need to ensure that my asset stays fluid enough to pick up all opportunities that are available.
I think Year 2009 will be a year of opportunities and hopefully I will have a home of my own again and share with my dear.... Hopefully, it will be on the upswing for me and less treacherous and uneventful compared to this year.
Yes, really must buck up today as this is the last day that I can do something before I go back to work in a lousy organisation. Some many things that I wish I can do and the want is lacking nowadays..... Maybe hoping for a golden handshake is not the best of wishes but at times I think the will is giving in. Who knows, with the current economic downturn, I may not even need to wish for it.
The Ds..... Discipline, Determination, Desire.... I owe it to myself to make something out of today.
Also need to be very discipline with my money. With the economy going south and a large portion of my cash portfolio stuck, I need to ensure that my asset stays fluid enough to pick up all opportunities that are available.
I think Year 2009 will be a year of opportunities and hopefully I will have a home of my own again and share with my dear.... Hopefully, it will be on the upswing for me and less treacherous and uneventful compared to this year.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Departure
Departure as in departure from the track. I have become very confused in recent times with my life, partly due to my personal life, partly due to my work life, and partly due to my relationship.
I am truly very sorry to have caused any grief to my dear dear. Truly I love her with all my heart and never do I want to bring any shred of pain, despair, sadness, disappointment to her. I only want the best for her because she truly has cared for me a lot in the past many months we have been together. Sometimes I wonder if I am really a burden to her? Would she be much better off with someone who can care for her better than me?
I don't want to lose her but the things associated with marriage are really stressing me out. How I wish that tradition only calls for a couple to be married with a kiss and a committed heart and stop at that.
Time for work..... Time for another boring week....
I am truly very sorry to have caused any grief to my dear dear. Truly I love her with all my heart and never do I want to bring any shred of pain, despair, sadness, disappointment to her. I only want the best for her because she truly has cared for me a lot in the past many months we have been together. Sometimes I wonder if I am really a burden to her? Would she be much better off with someone who can care for her better than me?
I don't want to lose her but the things associated with marriage are really stressing me out. How I wish that tradition only calls for a couple to be married with a kiss and a committed heart and stop at that.
Time for work..... Time for another boring week....
Friday, October 10, 2008
Dahon
OK, purchasing the Dahon is definitely the correct decision if not I wouldn't know what heading to use for this entry. Somehow "Decided on Aeon" probably didn't come across as so direct...... Yes, excuses but I feel good after buying the bikes though they are a little expensive and somehow they are taking a little more space that I had initially expected.
Got a black Vitesse for me and a sand Speed for Princess. Yes, cost me over a thousand but if I put in at the back of my car, I can use it anytime although it is much bulkier than I initially thought. Can't fit both in my car..... Well, as long as it is useful I am fine. Can't wait to go cycling with Princess tomorrow, it's been a while since we spent time something different on weekends.
Got a black Vitesse for me and a sand Speed for Princess. Yes, cost me over a thousand but if I put in at the back of my car, I can use it anytime although it is much bulkier than I initially thought. Can't fit both in my car..... Well, as long as it is useful I am fine. Can't wait to go cycling with Princess tomorrow, it's been a while since we spent time something different on weekends.
Monday, September 29, 2008
District 15
District 15 is where I grew up and District 15 is where I want to stay on. Property prices are so high nowadays that I am really worried that I can't afford any type of housing in this vicinity. I guess I have to save more to buy something within my budget although I really hope that my dear will support in whatever way possible too. Two incomes are better than one.
Really hate it for not taking charge of my last property purchase so this time around I will do it based on informed choice. Even if I have to buy a place other than District 15, I will make sure it is value for money.
Really hate it for not taking charge of my last property purchase so this time around I will do it based on informed choice. Even if I have to buy a place other than District 15, I will make sure it is value for money.
Down with the fu....
The last week was kind of eventful for me, health-wise. I was playing basketball (for the 1st time) with my colleagues when I severely sprained my ankle. It was a blur how that happened; just remembered I was up against a colleague when he spun away from me and I followed. Unfortunately, my track shoe was firmly planted on the cement ground while my ankle twisted with a crack sound. Well, the sprained flared up quickly and by late evening I had developed a swelling that was worrying. I went to my friend's clinic the same evening and was advised to get a X-ray on it the next day.
The X-ray was done and was just a severe sprain. Too bad it happened on Thursday evening else I would have been given at least 3 days of medical leave. All the pain for nothing... Damn.
Anyway, I kind of developed a flu over the weekend and felt weak today so I visited the company doctor who in turned issued me a day's medical leave. Well, as I said, a rather eventful week which caused me a lot of physical pain and discomfort. Hopefully, things will look up (and way up) for the rest of the year.
The X-ray was done and was just a severe sprain. Too bad it happened on Thursday evening else I would have been given at least 3 days of medical leave. All the pain for nothing... Damn.
Anyway, I kind of developed a flu over the weekend and felt weak today so I visited the company doctor who in turned issued me a day's medical leave. Well, as I said, a rather eventful week which caused me a lot of physical pain and discomfort. Hopefully, things will look up (and way up) for the rest of the year.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Disappearing $ again.....
Really hate it.... Losing money from my investment again.... Simply no luck whatsoever in my pathetic life. Did I use up all my good luck in my earlier years or what to keep seeing my money disappear into thin air?!
Don't know how long it will take for me to recover from this latest setback. If I had known, might as well spent the cash on something tangible. Now as it is, I saved and scrimped but ended up having nothing but heartaches and headaches...... Just in a blink of an eye it was gone.
When I don't do anything, things are always good but immediately once I try to do so, the non-Midas touch comes into play. Sigh.... why is my luck so poor?
Don't know how long it will take for me to recover from this latest setback. If I had known, might as well spent the cash on something tangible. Now as it is, I saved and scrimped but ended up having nothing but heartaches and headaches...... Just in a blink of an eye it was gone.
When I don't do anything, things are always good but immediately once I try to do so, the non-Midas touch comes into play. Sigh.... why is my luck so poor?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Disappearing deposits
Well, confirmed my short term luck sucks like hell. Wanted to grow my money nest instead of letting inflation par it down month by month. Well, didn't work out as intended.... In fact, not at all. Damn, ever since I tried my hand at investment again, I have ended up losing more that I put in ever though I have been taking a very conservative approach. Just what is in my stars that I have to endure setbacks in both work and private lives?
Beats me......
Beats me......
Down this worrisome road
In life there are definitely ups and downs and it really depends on yourself to see it as a crisis or opportunity to learn and improve. In recent one to two years, I noticed a distinct lack of motivation towards my worklife and indirectly, it has affected my outlook towards life itself.
Why am I so unmotivated? Maybe I am sick and tired of the endless work and the ever increasing demand from management. After 10 years in my job in the same line of work, I am slowing but surely getting tired of it. I hate to be in a rat race but can I afford not to be in one? Looking at how high cost of living has become, I shudder to think what would happen if I don't continue to build up a money nest. Not to lead a life of luxury but enough to buy a house and for rainy days. As a result, I need to continue working. Without work, I don't have money and without money, I can't ease my worries. A vicious cycle.....
I just feel I am sandwiched between lack of time and money. I am not young anymore and I need to make sure I can save enough for housing, marriage, family, kids and their education etc. Compared to others in their 30s who have already achieved or doing most of the said, my savings is basically peanuts..... Honestly, once those come into the picture, everything I have will be wiped out leaving me without close to nothing. I am not saving for myself anymore, it's for at least 3 more people. All said, how can I afford to quit my job no matter how much I hate it?
Am I looking too far ahead with my worries? Don't know but at times I just wish that I am not misunderstood about my intentions. If I have some assets, be it inherited or from compounded earnings, I would be less worried and at least I will have more confidence towards life. Shallow in thinking or just plain lack of confidence in one self? I don't know.......
Sigh.... all these worries are just making me lose my hair ever so quickly.
Why am I so unmotivated? Maybe I am sick and tired of the endless work and the ever increasing demand from management. After 10 years in my job in the same line of work, I am slowing but surely getting tired of it. I hate to be in a rat race but can I afford not to be in one? Looking at how high cost of living has become, I shudder to think what would happen if I don't continue to build up a money nest. Not to lead a life of luxury but enough to buy a house and for rainy days. As a result, I need to continue working. Without work, I don't have money and without money, I can't ease my worries. A vicious cycle.....
I just feel I am sandwiched between lack of time and money. I am not young anymore and I need to make sure I can save enough for housing, marriage, family, kids and their education etc. Compared to others in their 30s who have already achieved or doing most of the said, my savings is basically peanuts..... Honestly, once those come into the picture, everything I have will be wiped out leaving me without close to nothing. I am not saving for myself anymore, it's for at least 3 more people. All said, how can I afford to quit my job no matter how much I hate it?
Am I looking too far ahead with my worries? Don't know but at times I just wish that I am not misunderstood about my intentions. If I have some assets, be it inherited or from compounded earnings, I would be less worried and at least I will have more confidence towards life. Shallow in thinking or just plain lack of confidence in one self? I don't know.......
Sigh.... all these worries are just making me lose my hair ever so quickly.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Determination to fulfill this.....
Japanese proficiency..... Probably insignificant to 99.99999% of people out there but I just want to prove to myself and show people that I can do it. I want people to acknowledge that I am actually effectively tri-lingual....
Impossible? Hopefully not.....
本当に日本語の勉強するのは私の興味です。日本人のようにペらペら話すできるになりたいです。私の希望です。無理ですか。もう一度学生になるのは出来ますか。日本へ日本語の勉強するのは欲しいです。しかしもう無理です。。。。 年齢のはもう年寄りですね。残念ですね。自分で一所懸命勉強してもいいよ。。。。今私の日本語の程度はどうですか。まだ下手ですか。だれかが教えてくざさいませんか。
Impossible? Hopefully not.....
本当に日本語の勉強するのは私の興味です。日本人のようにペらペら話すできるになりたいです。私の希望です。無理ですか。もう一度学生になるのは出来ますか。日本へ日本語の勉強するのは欲しいです。しかしもう無理です。。。。 年齢のはもう年寄りですね。残念ですね。自分で一所懸命勉強してもいいよ。。。。今私の日本語の程度はどうですか。まだ下手ですか。だれかが教えてくざさいませんか。
Discovering myself
I was feeling sad just now and googled for "feeling sad".... Up came my blog! Guess it is official now, I am probably the #1 sad-feeling person on the face of this planet....
Yes, I am probably so much a nut-case that anyone who can decipher why I am always so depressed can win himself a Noble prize. Or maybe my Princess will finally be able to do that?
Yes, I am probably so much a nut-case that anyone who can decipher why I am always so depressed can win himself a Noble prize. Or maybe my Princess will finally be able to do that?
Distant past
Why do I like to stay in the East of the island? Not sure about the zillion of people snapping up properties here (at stupidly high prices I may add) but I was born and brought up in the end. The place just brings back fond memories for me.....
Joo Chiat of 30, 40 years ago was so different..... So much has changed. Growing up there, I remember the places where I either passed by or actually did something. The POSB bank that was near Joo Chiat place, buying stamps to paste to some cardboard thing as a form of savings. The very old library that was before the current Joo Chiat community centre. The barber and mechanic shops near the same location. The playground where the neighborhood police post now sits. The food centre across from it. The 7th month Ghost festivities. Many, many..... Just too many to list.
Childish but I wish I can go back to relive it just once more time. Be a primary student once again.... That will be fun. Don't need to study and yet pass examinations without raising a sweat. The luxury of having the afternoon after school to play with friends. Yes, yes, I am dreaming again.
Joo Chiat of 30, 40 years ago was so different..... So much has changed. Growing up there, I remember the places where I either passed by or actually did something. The POSB bank that was near Joo Chiat place, buying stamps to paste to some cardboard thing as a form of savings. The very old library that was before the current Joo Chiat community centre. The barber and mechanic shops near the same location. The playground where the neighborhood police post now sits. The food centre across from it. The 7th month Ghost festivities. Many, many..... Just too many to list.
Childish but I wish I can go back to relive it just once more time. Be a primary student once again.... That will be fun. Don't need to study and yet pass examinations without raising a sweat. The luxury of having the afternoon after school to play with friends. Yes, yes, I am dreaming again.
Desperately seeking a house
Sitting here at home on a Saturday evening doing my own stuff. No Princess with me. No pet dog with me. No work allowed in my mind. Just plain old me in front of a notebook. The dusty stereo is on after a long time left unused. Relaxing? Yup, it does feel good. Just I, me, and myself..... Yeah but maybe just once in a while?
The economy is allegedly still very strong in the tiny island of Singapore. So strong that property prices are crazy.... just plain crazy. I can't buy a place that I like without saddling myself with a sizable housing loan. Yes, affordability is relative but in my opinion, the prices are so ridiculous that I would ask myself who the hell has so much money to finance a home purchase? Apparently more that I can count because everyone else is paying the crazy prices and driving everything up and up. I shall not bore anyone with figures but let's just say it will mean I must continue working without fail for the next 10 to 15 years just to buy a little box in the sky.
Despite all my valiant efforts to remain positive, I am not optimistic that I will be able to find myself a dream in the East side of the island where I have grow up in. Kind of sad if you ask me. Damn.....
Trying desperately to get a place so that I can move on to the next chapter with Princess. This I owe her, really.
The economy is allegedly still very strong in the tiny island of Singapore. So strong that property prices are crazy.... just plain crazy. I can't buy a place that I like without saddling myself with a sizable housing loan. Yes, affordability is relative but in my opinion, the prices are so ridiculous that I would ask myself who the hell has so much money to finance a home purchase? Apparently more that I can count because everyone else is paying the crazy prices and driving everything up and up. I shall not bore anyone with figures but let's just say it will mean I must continue working without fail for the next 10 to 15 years just to buy a little box in the sky.
Despite all my valiant efforts to remain positive, I am not optimistic that I will be able to find myself a dream in the East side of the island where I have grow up in. Kind of sad if you ask me. Damn.....
Trying desperately to get a place so that I can move on to the next chapter with Princess. This I owe her, really.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Damn job....
Really think I am being short-changed by working in this damn job and company. I am losing my happiness.... Can't even switch off my mind after I return home. Damn job.
Regardless, I need to bear with it until the very end and secure as big a fund nest as possible. Got to make my life work for me and Princess.
What's the worst that could happen to me if I am deemed "incompetent"?? I will get a good compensation package and my life back, that's what! Not too shabby! Let's do something different tonight!
Regardless, I need to bear with it until the very end and secure as big a fund nest as possible. Got to make my life work for me and Princess.
What's the worst that could happen to me if I am deemed "incompetent"?? I will get a good compensation package and my life back, that's what! Not too shabby! Let's do something different tonight!
Displacing unhappiness
I am striving to change myself. I am striving to change to a positive looking person So I went out trying to find happiness on the World Wide Web. I think I did find a place whereby I can fill myself with happy thoughts.
http://www.positivityblog.com/
Reading the entries in the blog I find myself thinking of my princess and how she has been trying to encourage me and help me get rid of my gloomy days. Not that she is not doing a good job but just that I am a hard nut to crack thus I guess I am a tough patient.
Well, hope that my efforts plus her encouragements will be able to pull me through all this.
http://www.positivityblog.com/
Reading the entries in the blog I find myself thinking of my princess and how she has been trying to encourage me and help me get rid of my gloomy days. Not that she is not doing a good job but just that I am a hard nut to crack thus I guess I am a tough patient.
Well, hope that my efforts plus her encouragements will be able to pull me through all this.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Divine reassurance
I have always said that my life path is full of downs and seldom as easy or as grand compared to others. Yes, I may not be the worst off but many a times I feel that I really need to go through a lot of pain and suffering (emotional or otherwise) just to gain some results while it may drop in the laps of others for the same time.
That is why at times I just hope for a piece of good luck to find assurance that I am not the worst and somewhere and somehow I may not neglected from the One's big picture. Stupid to say but I feel that if I wager a bet and actually win, I feel good knowing that I still have some form of luck. But alas, even for such things I stumble.....
Well, maybe just like what the stars predicted, this year of the... year of the..... can't remember (sigh, very poor memory nowadays) is just a bad one for me....
Nothing seems to be going right....
That is why at times I just hope for a piece of good luck to find assurance that I am not the worst and somewhere and somehow I may not neglected from the One's big picture. Stupid to say but I feel that if I wager a bet and actually win, I feel good knowing that I still have some form of luck. But alas, even for such things I stumble.....
Well, maybe just like what the stars predicted, this year of the... year of the..... can't remember (sigh, very poor memory nowadays) is just a bad one for me....
Nothing seems to be going right....
Monday, June 23, 2008
Distant past
Occurred to me this morning that it is almost 5 years ago since I moved out from the landed property. Five years.... really a very, very long time. No wonder I am starting to forget some details of the old place. How did my life deteriorate so much that I went from sleeping in my own room and bed to sleeping on the floor on a mattress?
To say I am past feeling sad about losing my old place is quite a lie. If anything, at least that place get me a sense of security like a blanket. Or maybe I am just feeling nostalgia tonight? Maybe so, maybe so....
I see other people having plans to do this or that, study or be a boss, move to a new job etc. I can't say I don't envy them.... Just makes me feel so useless for doing the same old thing. In other people's eyes' I am probably just a stayer who has no ambitions.
I have many unfulfilled ambitions too.... How to fulfill them? No youth, no money, no time....... Really, should I just bite the bullet and go crazy for once or one last time? If not, will I die with many regrets? The distant past is just what it is.... a past that is so distant that it is really a joke thinking what could have been or should have been.
Another day gone....
To say I am past feeling sad about losing my old place is quite a lie. If anything, at least that place get me a sense of security like a blanket. Or maybe I am just feeling nostalgia tonight? Maybe so, maybe so....
I see other people having plans to do this or that, study or be a boss, move to a new job etc. I can't say I don't envy them.... Just makes me feel so useless for doing the same old thing. In other people's eyes' I am probably just a stayer who has no ambitions.
I have many unfulfilled ambitions too.... How to fulfill them? No youth, no money, no time....... Really, should I just bite the bullet and go crazy for once or one last time? If not, will I die with many regrets? The distant past is just what it is.... a past that is so distant that it is really a joke thinking what could have been or should have been.
Another day gone....
Drooping head
As I climbed up the stairs to my miserable flat this evening, it dwelled on me that I had my head drooped down and staring at the stairs all the way up till the 5th floor. The body language kinds of tells it all, hasn't been a good day at all.
I had thought that it would be an OK day but turned out I got a 5-minute earful about my incompetence as a manager. I don't think I am incompetent. I don't want to seen as incompetent. Am I incompetent? Maybe I am incompetent. I must be incompetent so that's why I was chided at..... Yeah, I guess I am incompetent.
No matter how hard I try, I just don't get appreciated. Just depressing to have this day in day out.
Head drooping...... Just punishment from whoever. It's OK. Practice the spirit of "Ah-Q", just let it be. Yup, just let it be.
Just not good at anything nowadays......
I had thought that it would be an OK day but turned out I got a 5-minute earful about my incompetence as a manager. I don't think I am incompetent. I don't want to seen as incompetent. Am I incompetent? Maybe I am incompetent. I must be incompetent so that's why I was chided at..... Yeah, I guess I am incompetent.
No matter how hard I try, I just don't get appreciated. Just depressing to have this day in day out.
Head drooping...... Just punishment from whoever. It's OK. Practice the spirit of "Ah-Q", just let it be. Yup, just let it be.
Just not good at anything nowadays......
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Diastrous day
Can't help but keep cursing the fella who stole my dear's handphone. Because of this person, my dear cried and I needed to work out how to salvage the situation. Because of this uncivilised behaviour of this thief cum beggar, dear and I lost something that we had happily went to purchase together. Really damn the fella!
Back of my mind now is also on the forthcoming visit by the customer, just in a daze now nothing can be helped since it is already so late. Just need to put in more effort tomorrow.
Seriously bad-luck for my dear today but I was glad that I can be there for her and to comfort her. I could tell that she was really sad at losing the 1-week old phone. Really thinking how to cheer her up.
Back of my mind now is also on the forthcoming visit by the customer, just in a daze now nothing can be helped since it is already so late. Just need to put in more effort tomorrow.
Seriously bad-luck for my dear today but I was glad that I can be there for her and to comfort her. I could tell that she was really sad at losing the 1-week old phone. Really thinking how to cheer her up.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Dumpling festival
Soon, the Dumpling festival will arrive again. The 1st year where mom is not around to celebrate with us. Life is just that bit different without a family.....
Disappointing end to the day....
Still thinking back to what my dear said to me just now. Was I putting her down? From her explanation, I can see her point although I have zero intention of doing so. Saying that she couldn't do a back massage as good as the masseur was merely my way of politely saying the masseur is good or better than both of us. If the roles were reverse and she said the same thing to the masseur I wouldn't think much of it because it is true.
Thinking more into it, I kind of wonder if the feeling is like what I felt in the afternoon when she laughed at my mis-pronounciation. Even though she didn't mean it as she said, I felt bad and was feeling that she was laughing at my incompetence on both occasions. In this case, would I be wrong if I had assumed that she was putting me down? Honestly, that has happened on other occasions and nowadays I have become sensitive about using multi-syllabus words so much so that I have lost that bit of confidence. Maybe I am too insensitive? Maybe. Maybe she was too sensitive this afternoon? Again, maybe. Well, I guess looking for an answer would probably lead to an endless argument.
Honestly, I just feel that my dear is rather temperamental at me nowadays. Like what I told her, she tends to make her own conclusion about certain situations even though I never meant it that way. As a result, she would become upset or at least very recluse although she wouldn't agree with me, I guess.... Maybe I am not as attentive as before and most certainly have room for improvement but I just feel that the number of occasions whereby I was being "snapped at" or "cynically rebutted" has gone up. Honestly, it was not a good feeling to have inside of me but at times I just bottle it up because I don't want to make the situation more worst than it was. I am not trying to make myself look like a hero because I am not. In those situations, I really do try to "de-fuse" the tension by explaining myself but it doesn't work 100% of the time. Well, as I have learned, relationships will always be a case of give and take.
Just a disappointing end to the day as I said..... Just feeling low and lousy that the day turned out this way in the end....
Thinking more into it, I kind of wonder if the feeling is like what I felt in the afternoon when she laughed at my mis-pronounciation. Even though she didn't mean it as she said, I felt bad and was feeling that she was laughing at my incompetence on both occasions. In this case, would I be wrong if I had assumed that she was putting me down? Honestly, that has happened on other occasions and nowadays I have become sensitive about using multi-syllabus words so much so that I have lost that bit of confidence. Maybe I am too insensitive? Maybe. Maybe she was too sensitive this afternoon? Again, maybe. Well, I guess looking for an answer would probably lead to an endless argument.
Honestly, I just feel that my dear is rather temperamental at me nowadays. Like what I told her, she tends to make her own conclusion about certain situations even though I never meant it that way. As a result, she would become upset or at least very recluse although she wouldn't agree with me, I guess.... Maybe I am not as attentive as before and most certainly have room for improvement but I just feel that the number of occasions whereby I was being "snapped at" or "cynically rebutted" has gone up. Honestly, it was not a good feeling to have inside of me but at times I just bottle it up because I don't want to make the situation more worst than it was. I am not trying to make myself look like a hero because I am not. In those situations, I really do try to "de-fuse" the tension by explaining myself but it doesn't work 100% of the time. Well, as I have learned, relationships will always be a case of give and take.
Just a disappointing end to the day as I said..... Just feeling low and lousy that the day turned out this way in the end....
Delayed posting
My goodness, how time flies..... My last blog was actually from more than 1 month ago?! Gosh....
My dear said that I actually have someone leaving a comment on my blog.... Again, incredulous for the simple fact that I never knew people would actually read (not even like) what I blog about. Ha.... really surprised to say the least. To whomever who left a comment, thanks...
Just returned back home after a few days' break in Taiwan. Got to admit that place grows on me. It is not really that cosmopolitan a city like what I imagined it to be; in fact, most of the buildings look kind of dated. However, after being there in Taipei twice in the last 6 months, I must say I really like the charm and character of the city. Everytime I walk past a shop or building where the decor is circa 1980s or 1990s, I would be imagining how things were for the tenants back then and how they are doing now 20 or 30 years later. I love the rustic feel of the place but I honestly hope that it's not because they are too economically challenged to do up the buildings/houses but rather just happy to leave things the way they are.
I do have to selfishly say I hope they keep it that way because it reminds me of Singapore from the same era. In Singapore, anything establishment more than X number of years will be torn down or refurbished so much so that it is really a "modern" city.... no places to look back and reminiscent what it was like back then. True, the areas here like Joo Chiat, Katong, Tanjong Katong, and Kallang are so much changed from before that I totally forgot some of the landmarks from before. Damn.... looking to the past again.
My dear said that I actually have someone leaving a comment on my blog.... Again, incredulous for the simple fact that I never knew people would actually read (not even like) what I blog about. Ha.... really surprised to say the least. To whomever who left a comment, thanks...
Just returned back home after a few days' break in Taiwan. Got to admit that place grows on me. It is not really that cosmopolitan a city like what I imagined it to be; in fact, most of the buildings look kind of dated. However, after being there in Taipei twice in the last 6 months, I must say I really like the charm and character of the city. Everytime I walk past a shop or building where the decor is circa 1980s or 1990s, I would be imagining how things were for the tenants back then and how they are doing now 20 or 30 years later. I love the rustic feel of the place but I honestly hope that it's not because they are too economically challenged to do up the buildings/houses but rather just happy to leave things the way they are.
I do have to selfishly say I hope they keep it that way because it reminds me of Singapore from the same era. In Singapore, anything establishment more than X number of years will be torn down or refurbished so much so that it is really a "modern" city.... no places to look back and reminiscent what it was like back then. True, the areas here like Joo Chiat, Katong, Tanjong Katong, and Kallang are so much changed from before that I totally forgot some of the landmarks from before. Damn.... looking to the past again.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Dreaming of better days....
It has been a while since I have actually sat down in front of the computer and wrote things about myself.
It is a given that when I am given time and space to think and reflect, I have always realised that I am not too happy a person. I still live a lot in the past because I was much, much happier in the past and unfortunately that past has gone by me for decades..... When I first tried to put words to paper, or blog in this case about my past, I chose to reminiscent about my childhood and teenage years because those were the most carefree years that I have. Yes, the family was doing well but I was still just a poor boy inside a well-to-do family and therefore never had the money to buy things for myself. Whatever luxury I managed to enjoyed was only through whatever generosity that my dad was willing to trickle down to me and that was few and far in between. So what was it that makes me think so much of the past? Before 16-year old, I was just me, the way I want to be. Just doing the simple things, going to school, meeting friends, going home after school, just daydreaming, doing homework. Life was easier and simpler then and being a grown-up really sucks for me.
Maybe I am sprouting nonsense now because of all the stress that I get from work but truly, I just feel life is such a chore for me nowadays. I always wonder why I am always on the wrong end of the stick. I always need to put in the most hours and need to carry a sizable load. These are things that I hate because I am deprived of time for myself to sit back and be myself. I really miss those days when weekends are truly weekends for me, so much so that I may just sleep through the whole day and do nothing and with zero thoughts about work or studies.
I just missed those occasions whereby my mind is totally blank of work related stuff.... totally blank. The closest in recent months was probably when I was in Taiwan? Don't know.....
Should I just resign and force myself to find myself again? What happens if I end up without a decent job for the rest of my life? What then? Or should I just go study? Or a sabbatical? Man, sometimes I am truly jealous of those people who can live life doing what they want. Not necessarily about luxury but just living life and the feeling of being alive. Nowadays I always feel so dead....
Sigh.... Yup, dreaming of better days.
Ha.... Reading what I have written so far, I really think I am going crazy.... just writing nonsense.
It is a given that when I am given time and space to think and reflect, I have always realised that I am not too happy a person. I still live a lot in the past because I was much, much happier in the past and unfortunately that past has gone by me for decades..... When I first tried to put words to paper, or blog in this case about my past, I chose to reminiscent about my childhood and teenage years because those were the most carefree years that I have. Yes, the family was doing well but I was still just a poor boy inside a well-to-do family and therefore never had the money to buy things for myself. Whatever luxury I managed to enjoyed was only through whatever generosity that my dad was willing to trickle down to me and that was few and far in between. So what was it that makes me think so much of the past? Before 16-year old, I was just me, the way I want to be. Just doing the simple things, going to school, meeting friends, going home after school, just daydreaming, doing homework. Life was easier and simpler then and being a grown-up really sucks for me.
Maybe I am sprouting nonsense now because of all the stress that I get from work but truly, I just feel life is such a chore for me nowadays. I always wonder why I am always on the wrong end of the stick. I always need to put in the most hours and need to carry a sizable load. These are things that I hate because I am deprived of time for myself to sit back and be myself. I really miss those days when weekends are truly weekends for me, so much so that I may just sleep through the whole day and do nothing and with zero thoughts about work or studies.
I just missed those occasions whereby my mind is totally blank of work related stuff.... totally blank. The closest in recent months was probably when I was in Taiwan? Don't know.....
Should I just resign and force myself to find myself again? What happens if I end up without a decent job for the rest of my life? What then? Or should I just go study? Or a sabbatical? Man, sometimes I am truly jealous of those people who can live life doing what they want. Not necessarily about luxury but just living life and the feeling of being alive. Nowadays I always feel so dead....
Sigh.... Yup, dreaming of better days.
Ha.... Reading what I have written so far, I really think I am going crazy.... just writing nonsense.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Delighted
Dear told me that her parents won't object even if we can't get married in church. That is a relief as it has been hanging on my mind for a while now. Hopefully, I can save enough money to buy a house and then start a new life with my love.
Money.... that is the necessary evil but one that I am lacking for the long-term too..... Sigh, just have to work till 80 years old I guess.
Money.... that is the necessary evil but one that I am lacking for the long-term too..... Sigh, just have to work till 80 years old I guess.
All the Ds...
I really need to be more disciplined and determined in my work and life. During the weekend, although I did manage to do work but the output is not as much as I wanted it to be. Sigh, maybe I am becoming lazy and complacent.
I just hope that when the next weekend comes around, I can be even better and raise my output by another 100% at least.
Or else it is the other D.....Die....
I just hope that when the next weekend comes around, I can be even better and raise my output by another 100% at least.
Or else it is the other D.....Die....
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Determination
This last 6 months or so have been a struggle for me, especially work. I have gone through many a nights worrying and stressed over work and really wanting to give up. Unfortunately, that feeling still lingers as much as it did months ago. I really don't understand the meaning of life and why I have to go through all these agonies just so to have "food on the table". Yes, the pay is considered very good and does provide me a comfortable style of living (if I choose so) but frankly, I don't know what I am giving up in the process.
I long for the day when I can happily wake up in the morning, go into the office feeling good, and leaving the office knowing that I will look forward to the next one...... One can always look on the bright side and hope.
I long for the day when I can happily wake up in the morning, go into the office feeling good, and leaving the office knowing that I will look forward to the next one...... One can always look on the bright side and hope.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The feeling of despair and resignation....
I really felt the whole world had collasped on me this afternoon..... At the point when I cried, I just had this sense of despair and resignation that I never had in my life, more than anything else. Within myself, I just felt that the only thing that I thought I have control over, the thing that I thought I am very sure about, the one thing that would not forsake me, left me. I was so emotionally drained that I just questioned why I am still want to live. Through the years, my quality of life has deteriorated until a point that at 42-years old, I am still struggling to secure a retirement nest. How sad that is.
Yes, true, my predicament is no way as bad as and can never be as bad as the African boy but we are in different worlds and have different set of problems. Compared to him, no one in this country will be worst off than him but yet I still have to face my difficulties regardless of whether I am in a better position or not. I know it is not worth it but I still have to deal with it in whatever way that I can....
Tired... sleep... hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Yes, true, my predicament is no way as bad as and can never be as bad as the African boy but we are in different worlds and have different set of problems. Compared to him, no one in this country will be worst off than him but yet I still have to face my difficulties regardless of whether I am in a better position or not. I know it is not worth it but I still have to deal with it in whatever way that I can....
Tired... sleep... hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Futureless?
Wanted to (finally) blog again tonight but spent more than 10 minutes trying to change the default language on my blog page. What a waste of time.....
My dear just said I don't mind getting scolded by my boss..... Sigh... I don't? I wish I can just resign on the spot.
And yes, I will propose. I better do this else I will be nagged at for the rest of my life....
My dear just said I don't mind getting scolded by my boss..... Sigh... I don't? I wish I can just resign on the spot.
And yes, I will propose. I better do this else I will be nagged at for the rest of my life....
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Tired.....
Feeling very tired today.... In fact, really very exhausted this last couple of days so much so that I feel like going to sleep immediately but I think I should at least greet my dear "Happy Birthday" before anyone else.
Wonder why I am so tired. Health deteriorating? Stressed out by work? Too much activities? Not sure but I really mean it when I say that I am exhausted.... Even my back is giving up on me. Gosh, one really feels vulnerable when things are not going right.
Got to shower first then rest....
Wonder why I am so tired. Health deteriorating? Stressed out by work? Too much activities? Not sure but I really mean it when I say that I am exhausted.... Even my back is giving up on me. Gosh, one really feels vulnerable when things are not going right.
Got to shower first then rest....
Happy Birthday
To my dearest of dear, Happy Birthday!
I am not sure if you really mean it when you said you do not expect anything or is aware that I didn't prepare anything special for your birthday. Truth is I did not. I had thought about that for many days and in the end I decided not to be anything super special other than writing this to tell you that I love you and wish you a Happy Birthday. I am not sure if you will be unhappy or disappointed but I really don't know how else or what I should do to celebrate your birthday. In my heart, I am truly happy that you are celebrating your birthday and I just wish that you will be happy and healthy for many years more to come.
At the back of my mind, I keep replaying your recollection on what I wrote in the past, that "one will naturally do romantic things for the person he or she loves.". In fact, you mentioned that so many times that I don't know whether you are hinting to me that it is a must to do so for your birthday. I have never forgotten that but I am really worried that you are really expecting something super romantic like sending you bouquets of roses, surprising you with a present, or popping up at your doorsteps at the stroke of midnight. I can probably do that for this year, next year, or the year after that but I know I am too practical to be able to sustain such actions. Sorry to disappoint you but that is really not me and I don't want to lie to you. I will buy you gifts and stuff, hold your hand, peck your lips and wish you "Happy Birthday" which I think is a demonstration of my commitment to you but probably this level of "romanticism" is nothing to you.
Dear, I can assure you that I mean every word when I say "I Love You" and "Happy Birthday" and I hope my sincerity is the best present or romantic thing you will receive this birthday and subsequent ones.
Wishing you a very Happy Birthday. Wishing you Good Health. You are my baby that I will always protect..... Kisses and Hugs....
I am not sure if you really mean it when you said you do not expect anything or is aware that I didn't prepare anything special for your birthday. Truth is I did not. I had thought about that for many days and in the end I decided not to be anything super special other than writing this to tell you that I love you and wish you a Happy Birthday. I am not sure if you will be unhappy or disappointed but I really don't know how else or what I should do to celebrate your birthday. In my heart, I am truly happy that you are celebrating your birthday and I just wish that you will be happy and healthy for many years more to come.
At the back of my mind, I keep replaying your recollection on what I wrote in the past, that "one will naturally do romantic things for the person he or she loves.". In fact, you mentioned that so many times that I don't know whether you are hinting to me that it is a must to do so for your birthday. I have never forgotten that but I am really worried that you are really expecting something super romantic like sending you bouquets of roses, surprising you with a present, or popping up at your doorsteps at the stroke of midnight. I can probably do that for this year, next year, or the year after that but I know I am too practical to be able to sustain such actions. Sorry to disappoint you but that is really not me and I don't want to lie to you. I will buy you gifts and stuff, hold your hand, peck your lips and wish you "Happy Birthday" which I think is a demonstration of my commitment to you but probably this level of "romanticism" is nothing to you.
Dear, I can assure you that I mean every word when I say "I Love You" and "Happy Birthday" and I hope my sincerity is the best present or romantic thing you will receive this birthday and subsequent ones.
Wishing you a very Happy Birthday. Wishing you Good Health. You are my baby that I will always protect..... Kisses and Hugs....
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Work
Really, why is it my work has to be so diffifult? Making me lost sleep over it. I wonder if this will shorten my life if this continues. Really feel like resigning and taking a sabbatical.
I try to do my part but seems like my part is never enough to satisfy people.
Stressed.......
I try to do my part but seems like my part is never enough to satisfy people.
Stressed.......
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Chinese New Year and random thoughts
Chinese New Year for me started on 1pm on Wednesday and today is already the night of Sunday. Four and a half days have passed just like that. Really, why must good times always end so fast?
On CNY eve, I picked up my dear at 9plus in the night, I think and proceeded to go to her home. I was dead tired and ended up sleeping overnight till 6am before I left for home. On the way back, I queued up for 20 minutes to wash my car. Well, the wash was not satisfactory and I ended up having to clean stubborn stains out. Still, the car still looked in need of an extreme makeover. Guess I wasted ~$100 on the car polish from beginning January. Damn.
What did I do on CNY? Well, by the time I had rested, it was already 3pm and I went to pick Dear up again. From there, I rested for 2 hours before I went to her grandmother's house for dinner. Dinner was simple and I dared not eat more. Thereafter, just sat around and played a little blackjack before we went for karaoke from 9:30pm until 1:30am the next day. Had a little argument with her regarding family or rather the importance of her family to her. Seriously, I have no issues that she is pro family but simply I also feel that I also want time to rest and do my stuff.
The 2nd day of CNY was also busy with other stuff.... Went to pick up the dog at around 2pm and spent hours cleaning her ears. Looking at the dog, I do feel sorry for not being able to spend more time with her. Animals have feelings too although they can't express it and I most certainly know I have been unfair to her. Yes, people will say I am crazy but I do see the sadness in her eyes when she looked at me. Hopefully, the kids will fill up some of the voids. Still worried about the dog's ears, though. Looks a little too red to be normal. I also decided to go to dear's uncle's place. Yes, dear was right to say I didn't look myself but honestly I was nervous and I was tired. I really wanted to rest early that day and was worried that it will be a long evening. Sometimes it is not I don't want to go for the family outings but at times I feel that I am neglecting my sister by not being home. I don't want her to feel or think that I am treating the house as a hotel. I felt very bad that it made my dear cry. Sometimes I feel like such a burden and loser to everyone around me, making them upset, irritated, and worry for me. The outing turned out to be well. The food was good and we played a long session of blackjack. We left for home after that and I promptly showered and changed. Dear was right to say I fell asleep fast; I was indeed tired. Frankly, I always try not to disappoint her but I don't know how to put forth to her that I was actually very tired. I don't want her to feel that I am making up excuses not to do certain things. That is why sometimes I also worried about us starting a family in the future. Granted I will be happy to have children but I also worry and wonder will I have the strength to carry out activities that will satisfy her and her pro family stance? Her expectations are not low to begin with. I really hope that I will be able to show her that I am a responsible husband and father.
3rd day of CNY was easy at the start of the day. Actually woke up later and went for roti prata breakfast. I wanted to buy an LCD tv to put in dear's room but was disappointed that I wasn't able to. Sigh, disappointed but nevertheless went for MOS burger lunch and then went home for a rest. I watched "The Replacements" on tv and enjoyed the comic relief. Cleared some work thereafter while my dear slept. The evening was basically spent with her friend Mariann; simple dinner at Adam road hawker centre and then to Dempsey's for a night's out drinking. The session was enjoyable because I got to drink a lot; enough to make me feel very tipsy..... ha. Didn't remember much except the question that was posed to me "Why do you have regrets in your life?". I remembered I replied "It is more disappointments than regrets.". Yup, regtets and disappointments. Lots of it but those are in the past. I am really trying to think positive and move on....
Woke up with a hangover on the 4th day of CNY. Spent a few hours trying to shake off the hangover and then went over to dear's place again at 2:30pm. Met her friends from secondary and junior college and showed them my Wii. It went pretty OK but I didn't interact a lot with them. Hopefully, they didn't have too bad an impression of me. The evening was again the family from her mother's side and everyone gathered together again. Maybe it's me but I really wondered if there is a need to gather repeatedly over and over again over the CNY period and do the same stuff i.e. eat, chat, and gamble. Yeah, maybe it is me.....
By the time I returned home, it was already 8:30pm. There you go, four and a half days of CNY just went by like that. The days were filled with so much activities that I feel a very strong sense of loss knowing that it is about to end and I must return to work starting tomorrow. Back to the work that I no longer believe in or find much pleasure in.
I am very confused now...... Just what does life will be like for me moving forward? I really don't want to drop death and then realised I never did anything that I would be proud of.....
On CNY eve, I picked up my dear at 9plus in the night, I think and proceeded to go to her home. I was dead tired and ended up sleeping overnight till 6am before I left for home. On the way back, I queued up for 20 minutes to wash my car. Well, the wash was not satisfactory and I ended up having to clean stubborn stains out. Still, the car still looked in need of an extreme makeover. Guess I wasted ~$100 on the car polish from beginning January. Damn.
What did I do on CNY? Well, by the time I had rested, it was already 3pm and I went to pick Dear up again. From there, I rested for 2 hours before I went to her grandmother's house for dinner. Dinner was simple and I dared not eat more. Thereafter, just sat around and played a little blackjack before we went for karaoke from 9:30pm until 1:30am the next day. Had a little argument with her regarding family or rather the importance of her family to her. Seriously, I have no issues that she is pro family but simply I also feel that I also want time to rest and do my stuff.
The 2nd day of CNY was also busy with other stuff.... Went to pick up the dog at around 2pm and spent hours cleaning her ears. Looking at the dog, I do feel sorry for not being able to spend more time with her. Animals have feelings too although they can't express it and I most certainly know I have been unfair to her. Yes, people will say I am crazy but I do see the sadness in her eyes when she looked at me. Hopefully, the kids will fill up some of the voids. Still worried about the dog's ears, though. Looks a little too red to be normal. I also decided to go to dear's uncle's place. Yes, dear was right to say I didn't look myself but honestly I was nervous and I was tired. I really wanted to rest early that day and was worried that it will be a long evening. Sometimes it is not I don't want to go for the family outings but at times I feel that I am neglecting my sister by not being home. I don't want her to feel or think that I am treating the house as a hotel. I felt very bad that it made my dear cry. Sometimes I feel like such a burden and loser to everyone around me, making them upset, irritated, and worry for me. The outing turned out to be well. The food was good and we played a long session of blackjack. We left for home after that and I promptly showered and changed. Dear was right to say I fell asleep fast; I was indeed tired. Frankly, I always try not to disappoint her but I don't know how to put forth to her that I was actually very tired. I don't want her to feel that I am making up excuses not to do certain things. That is why sometimes I also worried about us starting a family in the future. Granted I will be happy to have children but I also worry and wonder will I have the strength to carry out activities that will satisfy her and her pro family stance? Her expectations are not low to begin with. I really hope that I will be able to show her that I am a responsible husband and father.
3rd day of CNY was easy at the start of the day. Actually woke up later and went for roti prata breakfast. I wanted to buy an LCD tv to put in dear's room but was disappointed that I wasn't able to. Sigh, disappointed but nevertheless went for MOS burger lunch and then went home for a rest. I watched "The Replacements" on tv and enjoyed the comic relief. Cleared some work thereafter while my dear slept. The evening was basically spent with her friend Mariann; simple dinner at Adam road hawker centre and then to Dempsey's for a night's out drinking. The session was enjoyable because I got to drink a lot; enough to make me feel very tipsy..... ha. Didn't remember much except the question that was posed to me "Why do you have regrets in your life?". I remembered I replied "It is more disappointments than regrets.". Yup, regtets and disappointments. Lots of it but those are in the past. I am really trying to think positive and move on....
Woke up with a hangover on the 4th day of CNY. Spent a few hours trying to shake off the hangover and then went over to dear's place again at 2:30pm. Met her friends from secondary and junior college and showed them my Wii. It went pretty OK but I didn't interact a lot with them. Hopefully, they didn't have too bad an impression of me. The evening was again the family from her mother's side and everyone gathered together again. Maybe it's me but I really wondered if there is a need to gather repeatedly over and over again over the CNY period and do the same stuff i.e. eat, chat, and gamble. Yeah, maybe it is me.....
By the time I returned home, it was already 8:30pm. There you go, four and a half days of CNY just went by like that. The days were filled with so much activities that I feel a very strong sense of loss knowing that it is about to end and I must return to work starting tomorrow. Back to the work that I no longer believe in or find much pleasure in.
I am very confused now...... Just what does life will be like for me moving forward? I really don't want to drop death and then realised I never did anything that I would be proud of.....
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Reunion dinner
My dear was right (like always...) , a blog is just like a diary, capturing incidents that happened on a certain day. Tonight was no different. It was Reunion night for the family.
It was the first such dinner without mom around. The atmosphere was ok, people were still jovial. However, the food was not nearly what I remembered from the past. Truthfully, it was nowhere near what my mom did in the past. Guess I will never ever be able to taste as good a meal as in the past....
This really sucks....
It was the first such dinner without mom around. The atmosphere was ok, people were still jovial. However, the food was not nearly what I remembered from the past. Truthfully, it was nowhere near what my mom did in the past. Guess I will never ever be able to taste as good a meal as in the past....
This really sucks....
Saturday, January 12, 2008
First argument?
I was wondering if last night was the very 1st time that I had a real argument with Princess. Really, it probably was. I felt that things with her have been very, very happy whenever she is not in "that" mode but whenever she does, that is it, nothing that I do will help at all to snap her out of her mode.
She questioned my love because my reaction was different, different from what I would have done in the past, different from the "I-will-reassure-her" mode. I told her that is true. Till now, I always know whenever she phases into "that" mode, every single time. In the past, I have tried to guide her out of that mode by attempting to talk to her and getting her to be jovial again... never have I succeeded. Each attempt always yielded the same results, every question will be a monotonous and short reply, mostly "Ya"s or "I am OK"s. I think it is fair to say I have never gotten much more beyond that.
From experience, I learned that the best way is actually for her to "cool down". Maybe that is the equivalent of letting her settle it for her own but it proved to be the most effective from what I observed. For that reason, I have decided to let her "cool down" whenever that happens. but I never totally ignore her as I will always do my pleasantries, meaning I still bid her good night and I sincerely and genuinely bid my love for her. Maybe this is the change in attitude that she does like or am "shocked" or "disappointed" about.... Really, it doesn't mean that I don't care.
She mentioned maybe my job has changed my attitude? I don't deny my work has become a huge burden on me. It is affecting me, no doubt. I don't enjoy work anymore and I am always stressed out by the tons of work. Other people have it easier but I always get the short end of the stick. Maybe I am just not suited for this job or I need to push my people more? It is a fact I am tired. Always tired. Maybe this is my fault too? Maybe I don't have a right to be tired? Maybe I should always put everything single thing about myself? Or am I really too hard on myself. Sigh. That is why I was really looking forward to the weekend and trying to enjoy my timeoff and weekend. And that is why I had wanted to force myself to take a weekend excursion to Pulau Ubin.
Sigh... it is already past 11am now... Half the day is almost gone.
She questioned my love because my reaction was different, different from what I would have done in the past, different from the "I-will-reassure-her" mode. I told her that is true. Till now, I always know whenever she phases into "that" mode, every single time. In the past, I have tried to guide her out of that mode by attempting to talk to her and getting her to be jovial again... never have I succeeded. Each attempt always yielded the same results, every question will be a monotonous and short reply, mostly "Ya"s or "I am OK"s. I think it is fair to say I have never gotten much more beyond that.
From experience, I learned that the best way is actually for her to "cool down". Maybe that is the equivalent of letting her settle it for her own but it proved to be the most effective from what I observed. For that reason, I have decided to let her "cool down" whenever that happens. but I never totally ignore her as I will always do my pleasantries, meaning I still bid her good night and I sincerely and genuinely bid my love for her. Maybe this is the change in attitude that she does like or am "shocked" or "disappointed" about.... Really, it doesn't mean that I don't care.
She mentioned maybe my job has changed my attitude? I don't deny my work has become a huge burden on me. It is affecting me, no doubt. I don't enjoy work anymore and I am always stressed out by the tons of work. Other people have it easier but I always get the short end of the stick. Maybe I am just not suited for this job or I need to push my people more? It is a fact I am tired. Always tired. Maybe this is my fault too? Maybe I don't have a right to be tired? Maybe I should always put everything single thing about myself? Or am I really too hard on myself. Sigh. That is why I was really looking forward to the weekend and trying to enjoy my timeoff and weekend. And that is why I had wanted to force myself to take a weekend excursion to Pulau Ubin.
Sigh... it is already past 11am now... Half the day is almost gone.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Recommended reading
Well, in the midst of my misery, there is at least a few things that I can still enjoy, one of which is reading. Midway through a fine read titled "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry. The pace of the novel is constant, never reaching a plateau but never boring either, just narrative like a fine art piece. This is very unlike the Tom Clancy novels that I prefer in the past.
Maybe it is time I open up my horizon to other genes or types of novels.....
Maybe it is time I open up my horizon to other genes or types of novels.....
Feeling single and lousy
Back at home after a tiring day at work. I feel very "single" today. "Single" in the sense like I am unattached (again). "Single" in the sense that I have no one to turn to. "Single" in the sense like I am living for myself (again). Is that all there is to my day?
Work sucks just as much and so soon after I return to the office. I will try to heed the advice of my dear but really, it is really very difficult to stay positive. I really will try but sometimes I really can't stand it. It is not a nice feeling to be scolded everytime I try to explain myself. Hate it tremendously! Sigh, if not for the fact I need the money I would have resigned by now. Really no point in taking such abuse or disrespect from the management. Even if I am wrong, can't they guide me or offer some advice? What am I to them? A slave? Actually the way I am being treated me makes me retreat further and further away from them. What's the point of opening my mouth when all I get is abuse in return?
Life is simply no fun or no point this way. I put in a honest day's way and in the end I get treated this way. Worst thing is that I have no one to turn to and put my sorrows to. Just feeling lousy by myself.
Is 2008 really bad as predicted?
Another 360 days to go.....
Work sucks just as much and so soon after I return to the office. I will try to heed the advice of my dear but really, it is really very difficult to stay positive. I really will try but sometimes I really can't stand it. It is not a nice feeling to be scolded everytime I try to explain myself. Hate it tremendously! Sigh, if not for the fact I need the money I would have resigned by now. Really no point in taking such abuse or disrespect from the management. Even if I am wrong, can't they guide me or offer some advice? What am I to them? A slave? Actually the way I am being treated me makes me retreat further and further away from them. What's the point of opening my mouth when all I get is abuse in return?
Life is simply no fun or no point this way. I put in a honest day's way and in the end I get treated this way. Worst thing is that I have no one to turn to and put my sorrows to. Just feeling lousy by myself.
Is 2008 really bad as predicted?
Another 360 days to go.....
Work
Here I am in the early morning but already showered and preparing to leave for office. Can't sleep last night. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, worrying about work. Really, it is as if work has taken control of my life in recent months and I am struggling to keep up with the number of unfinished tasks.
I really wonder if this is due to my incapability or really the workload is too heavy. Even in the past when work was aplenty I didn't feel this way at all.
The weekend past too quickly for me to do much, including my long overdue resume and I think back wondering if there were things that I could have done more efficiently over the last two days. Really I don't think I lazed around and did nothing .....
I really wonder if this is due to my incapability or really the workload is too heavy. Even in the past when work was aplenty I didn't feel this way at all.
The weekend past too quickly for me to do much, including my long overdue resume and I think back wondering if there were things that I could have done more efficiently over the last two days. Really I don't think I lazed around and did nothing .....
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The year in review.... Part II
The past year was my first in the capacity of a manager and I must say I don't enjoy the position very much. Workload was so heavy that I was forced to put in far more work hours than before just to keep pace. Coupled with the high (and unreasonable) expectation from the senior management and lack of resources, I find myself being kept in a high state of stress since the later part of last year.
What don't I like? Besides the long working hours, I hate the fact that I still need to be doing (or is expected to do) the same things that I have been doing in my previous capacity. I hate to be the "face" of the department whereby all external functions will come to me for decisions. I hate the weekly and monthly reports and the monthly night calls. I hate to be harassed, more so that ever, on my handphone by people, locally or otherwise. I hate the office politics that is prevalent among the managers; really, I don't know what is there to fight for since the company is so small. I hate the fact that my Inbox is double of what it used to be and I am forced to go through and be aware of the happenings in all areas. I hate the lack of time to grow myself as a manager and the lack of time to learn new knowledge. Lastly, I really hate the lack of compensation for the sacrifices that I have made the last year.
As part of my new year resolution I will (and must) balance work and personal life. A must.... For the sake of my Princess and myself, I must.....
My Princess is "bugging" me now so I will log off now; more to come later....
What don't I like? Besides the long working hours, I hate the fact that I still need to be doing (or is expected to do) the same things that I have been doing in my previous capacity. I hate to be the "face" of the department whereby all external functions will come to me for decisions. I hate the weekly and monthly reports and the monthly night calls. I hate to be harassed, more so that ever, on my handphone by people, locally or otherwise. I hate the office politics that is prevalent among the managers; really, I don't know what is there to fight for since the company is so small. I hate the fact that my Inbox is double of what it used to be and I am forced to go through and be aware of the happenings in all areas. I hate the lack of time to grow myself as a manager and the lack of time to learn new knowledge. Lastly, I really hate the lack of compensation for the sacrifices that I have made the last year.
As part of my new year resolution I will (and must) balance work and personal life. A must.... For the sake of my Princess and myself, I must.....
My Princess is "bugging" me now so I will log off now; more to come later....
New Year Resolutions....
Year 2007 came and went in a blink of an eye and with the new year I have decided to list out several resolutions that I hope to achieve by the end of the year.
In no particular order:
- get a passing grade in JLPT Level 1 or 2.
- do up my resume.
- leave my present company if there is a good opportunity.
- save more $ so that I can buy a house within a year or two.
- have a more balanced work-personal life.
- always read and learn more and not be stuck in the same mode of work, work, and more work.
I guess those should be good targets to aim for this year....
In no particular order:
- get a passing grade in JLPT Level 1 or 2.
- do up my resume.
- leave my present company if there is a good opportunity.
- save more $ so that I can buy a house within a year or two.
- have a more balanced work-personal life.
- always read and learn more and not be stuck in the same mode of work, work, and more work.
I guess those should be good targets to aim for this year....
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