Determination

This last 6 months or so have been a struggle for me, especially work. I have gone through many a nights worrying and stressed over work and really wanting to give up. Unfortunately, that feeling still lingers as much as it did months ago. I really don't understand the meaning of life and why I have to go through all these agonies just so to have "food on the table". Yes, the pay is considered very good and does provide me a comfortable style of living (if I choose so) but frankly, I don't know what I am giving up in the process.

I long for the day when I can happily wake up in the morning, go into the office feeling good, and leaving the office knowing that I will look forward to the next one...... One can always look on the bright side and hope.

The feeling of despair and resignation....

I really felt the whole world had collasped on me this afternoon..... At the point when I cried, I just had this sense of despair and resignation that I never had in my life, more than anything else. Within myself, I just felt that the only thing that I thought I have control over, the thing that I thought I am very sure about, the one thing that would not forsake me, left me. I was so emotionally drained that I just questioned why I am still want to live. Through the years, my quality of life has deteriorated until a point that at 42-years old, I am still struggling to secure a retirement nest. How sad that is.

Yes, true, my predicament is no way as bad as and can never be as bad as the African boy but we are in different worlds and have different set of problems. Compared to him, no one in this country will be worst off than him but yet I still have to face my difficulties regardless of whether I am in a better position or not. I know it is not worth it but I still have to deal with it in whatever way that I can....

Tired... sleep... hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Futureless?

Wanted to (finally) blog again tonight but spent more than 10 minutes trying to change the default language on my blog page. What a waste of time.....

My dear just said I don't mind getting scolded by my boss..... Sigh... I don't? I wish I can just resign on the spot.

And yes, I will propose. I better do this else I will be nagged at for the rest of my life....

Tired.....

Feeling very tired today.... In fact, really very exhausted this last couple of days so much so that I feel like going to sleep immediately but I think I should at least greet my dear "Happy Birthday" before anyone else.

Wonder why I am so tired. Health deteriorating? Stressed out by work? Too much activities? Not sure but I really mean it when I say that I am exhausted.... Even my back is giving up on me. Gosh, one really feels vulnerable when things are not going right.

Got to shower first then rest....

Happy Birthday

To my dearest of dear, Happy Birthday!

I am not sure if you really mean it when you said you do not expect anything or is aware that I didn't prepare anything special for your birthday. Truth is I did not. I had thought about that for many days and in the end I decided not to be anything super special other than writing this to tell you that I love you and wish you a Happy Birthday. I am not sure if you will be unhappy or disappointed but I really don't know how else or what I should do to celebrate your birthday. In my heart, I am truly happy that you are celebrating your birthday and I just wish that you will be happy and healthy for many years more to come.

At the back of my mind, I keep replaying your recollection on what I wrote in the past, that "one will naturally do romantic things for the person he or she loves.". In fact, you mentioned that so many times that I don't know whether you are hinting to me that it is a must to do so for your birthday. I have never forgotten that but I am really worried that you are really expecting something super romantic like sending you bouquets of roses, surprising you with a present, or popping up at your doorsteps at the stroke of midnight. I can probably do that for this year, next year, or the year after that but I know I am too practical to be able to sustain such actions. Sorry to disappoint you but that is really not me and I don't want to lie to you. I will buy you gifts and stuff, hold your hand, peck your lips and wish you "Happy Birthday" which I think is a demonstration of my commitment to you but probably this level of "romanticism" is nothing to you.

Dear, I can assure you that I mean every word when I say "I Love You" and "Happy Birthday" and I hope my sincerity is the best present or romantic thing you will receive this birthday and subsequent ones.

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday. Wishing you Good Health. You are my baby that I will always protect..... Kisses and Hugs....