I was wondering if last night was the very 1st time that I had a real argument with Princess. Really, it probably was. I felt that things with her have been very, very happy whenever she is not in "that" mode but whenever she does, that is it, nothing that I do will help at all to snap her out of her mode.
She questioned my love because my reaction was different, different from what I would have done in the past, different from the "I-will-reassure-her" mode. I told her that is true. Till now, I always know whenever she phases into "that" mode, every single time. In the past, I have tried to guide her out of that mode by attempting to talk to her and getting her to be jovial again... never have I succeeded. Each attempt always yielded the same results, every question will be a monotonous and short reply, mostly "Ya"s or "I am OK"s. I think it is fair to say I have never gotten much more beyond that.
From experience, I learned that the best way is actually for her to "cool down". Maybe that is the equivalent of letting her settle it for her own but it proved to be the most effective from what I observed. For that reason, I have decided to let her "cool down" whenever that happens. but I never totally ignore her as I will always do my pleasantries, meaning I still bid her good night and I sincerely and genuinely bid my love for her. Maybe this is the change in attitude that she does like or am "shocked" or "disappointed" about.... Really, it doesn't mean that I don't care.
She mentioned maybe my job has changed my attitude? I don't deny my work has become a huge burden on me. It is affecting me, no doubt. I don't enjoy work anymore and I am always stressed out by the tons of work. Other people have it easier but I always get the short end of the stick. Maybe I am just not suited for this job or I need to push my people more? It is a fact I am tired. Always tired. Maybe this is my fault too? Maybe I don't have a right to be tired? Maybe I should always put everything single thing about myself? Or am I really too hard on myself. Sigh. That is why I was really looking forward to the weekend and trying to enjoy my timeoff and weekend. And that is why I had wanted to force myself to take a weekend excursion to Pulau Ubin.
Sigh... it is already past 11am now... Half the day is almost gone.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Recommended reading
Well, in the midst of my misery, there is at least a few things that I can still enjoy, one of which is reading. Midway through a fine read titled "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry. The pace of the novel is constant, never reaching a plateau but never boring either, just narrative like a fine art piece. This is very unlike the Tom Clancy novels that I prefer in the past.
Maybe it is time I open up my horizon to other genes or types of novels.....
Maybe it is time I open up my horizon to other genes or types of novels.....
Feeling single and lousy
Back at home after a tiring day at work. I feel very "single" today. "Single" in the sense like I am unattached (again). "Single" in the sense that I have no one to turn to. "Single" in the sense like I am living for myself (again). Is that all there is to my day?
Work sucks just as much and so soon after I return to the office. I will try to heed the advice of my dear but really, it is really very difficult to stay positive. I really will try but sometimes I really can't stand it. It is not a nice feeling to be scolded everytime I try to explain myself. Hate it tremendously! Sigh, if not for the fact I need the money I would have resigned by now. Really no point in taking such abuse or disrespect from the management. Even if I am wrong, can't they guide me or offer some advice? What am I to them? A slave? Actually the way I am being treated me makes me retreat further and further away from them. What's the point of opening my mouth when all I get is abuse in return?
Life is simply no fun or no point this way. I put in a honest day's way and in the end I get treated this way. Worst thing is that I have no one to turn to and put my sorrows to. Just feeling lousy by myself.
Is 2008 really bad as predicted?
Another 360 days to go.....
Work sucks just as much and so soon after I return to the office. I will try to heed the advice of my dear but really, it is really very difficult to stay positive. I really will try but sometimes I really can't stand it. It is not a nice feeling to be scolded everytime I try to explain myself. Hate it tremendously! Sigh, if not for the fact I need the money I would have resigned by now. Really no point in taking such abuse or disrespect from the management. Even if I am wrong, can't they guide me or offer some advice? What am I to them? A slave? Actually the way I am being treated me makes me retreat further and further away from them. What's the point of opening my mouth when all I get is abuse in return?
Life is simply no fun or no point this way. I put in a honest day's way and in the end I get treated this way. Worst thing is that I have no one to turn to and put my sorrows to. Just feeling lousy by myself.
Is 2008 really bad as predicted?
Another 360 days to go.....
Work
Here I am in the early morning but already showered and preparing to leave for office. Can't sleep last night. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, worrying about work. Really, it is as if work has taken control of my life in recent months and I am struggling to keep up with the number of unfinished tasks.
I really wonder if this is due to my incapability or really the workload is too heavy. Even in the past when work was aplenty I didn't feel this way at all.
The weekend past too quickly for me to do much, including my long overdue resume and I think back wondering if there were things that I could have done more efficiently over the last two days. Really I don't think I lazed around and did nothing .....
I really wonder if this is due to my incapability or really the workload is too heavy. Even in the past when work was aplenty I didn't feel this way at all.
The weekend past too quickly for me to do much, including my long overdue resume and I think back wondering if there were things that I could have done more efficiently over the last two days. Really I don't think I lazed around and did nothing .....
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The year in review.... Part II
The past year was my first in the capacity of a manager and I must say I don't enjoy the position very much. Workload was so heavy that I was forced to put in far more work hours than before just to keep pace. Coupled with the high (and unreasonable) expectation from the senior management and lack of resources, I find myself being kept in a high state of stress since the later part of last year.
What don't I like? Besides the long working hours, I hate the fact that I still need to be doing (or is expected to do) the same things that I have been doing in my previous capacity. I hate to be the "face" of the department whereby all external functions will come to me for decisions. I hate the weekly and monthly reports and the monthly night calls. I hate to be harassed, more so that ever, on my handphone by people, locally or otherwise. I hate the office politics that is prevalent among the managers; really, I don't know what is there to fight for since the company is so small. I hate the fact that my Inbox is double of what it used to be and I am forced to go through and be aware of the happenings in all areas. I hate the lack of time to grow myself as a manager and the lack of time to learn new knowledge. Lastly, I really hate the lack of compensation for the sacrifices that I have made the last year.
As part of my new year resolution I will (and must) balance work and personal life. A must.... For the sake of my Princess and myself, I must.....
My Princess is "bugging" me now so I will log off now; more to come later....
What don't I like? Besides the long working hours, I hate the fact that I still need to be doing (or is expected to do) the same things that I have been doing in my previous capacity. I hate to be the "face" of the department whereby all external functions will come to me for decisions. I hate the weekly and monthly reports and the monthly night calls. I hate to be harassed, more so that ever, on my handphone by people, locally or otherwise. I hate the office politics that is prevalent among the managers; really, I don't know what is there to fight for since the company is so small. I hate the fact that my Inbox is double of what it used to be and I am forced to go through and be aware of the happenings in all areas. I hate the lack of time to grow myself as a manager and the lack of time to learn new knowledge. Lastly, I really hate the lack of compensation for the sacrifices that I have made the last year.
As part of my new year resolution I will (and must) balance work and personal life. A must.... For the sake of my Princess and myself, I must.....
My Princess is "bugging" me now so I will log off now; more to come later....
New Year Resolutions....
Year 2007 came and went in a blink of an eye and with the new year I have decided to list out several resolutions that I hope to achieve by the end of the year.
In no particular order:
- get a passing grade in JLPT Level 1 or 2.
- do up my resume.
- leave my present company if there is a good opportunity.
- save more $ so that I can buy a house within a year or two.
- have a more balanced work-personal life.
- always read and learn more and not be stuck in the same mode of work, work, and more work.
I guess those should be good targets to aim for this year....
In no particular order:
- get a passing grade in JLPT Level 1 or 2.
- do up my resume.
- leave my present company if there is a good opportunity.
- save more $ so that I can buy a house within a year or two.
- have a more balanced work-personal life.
- always read and learn more and not be stuck in the same mode of work, work, and more work.
I guess those should be good targets to aim for this year....
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