One and only Baby Princess

I guess my baby kind of misunderstood what I was trying to tell her about her importance to me..... Let me repeat myself in this blog.

Baby Princess, you are my one and only love and NO ONE can compare to you. Absolutely no one.... Love you always, dear.

Actually, what I was trying to put forth to my baby is that I am a different person now. If I am indeed the man that I am today back then, I would have kept to my commitment BUT it is a paradox like I told her because Princess was the One who (finally) taught me and make me realise the true meaning of commitment. Without Princess, I won't be who I am today and thus back to square one. Period.

I hope Princess won't be upset anymore. If she were to read the file again, I did say that she is the better (in fact, the nearest to best) fit for me. With her, I feel I have found a soulmate to talk about things and she would be able to reciprocate in a similar manner. Without her now, I am totally and completely lost..... She is indeed special to me unlike what she is concerned about. She is not asking for too much, it is the truth that she is very, very special to me.... Kiss her for being such a dear to me and such a positive influence to my life.

And why wouldn't I see her as special? She said that I have made her feel "a lot more loved and treasured" but again, she was the One who has opened my eyes and mind. If being "enlightened" doesn't make me do such loving things, doesn't that make it contradictory? Hmmmm..... that's what I would have thought so.... haha....

Princess did make a difference to me... If not for her, I would still be staying at the same spot not knowing what it means to be a true soulmate and life partner to someone.

I am truly and honestly looking forward to a very happy and fulfilling future with her. We have gone car window-shopping and now it is home (not house, but a home for us...) window-shopping... Hopefully, I will continue to earn good $ and provide her a comfortable living. In my heart, I really want her to be my happy Baby Princess......

I am so blissful now..... if only the same is happening for my job then I am truly in heaven.....

I am thankful to whoever is up there.... cross my heart.

Building a future

I see many people around me earning big bucks nowadays and wonder if I am missing out on things. Really, I have slogged for over 10 years now and I still have nothing to show. No multi hundred thousand $ bank accounts, no house, no BMWs, no high paying jobs, no nothing.... Am I being greedy? I don't know. I'm already 40-yr old and will probably start a family with princess in another year or two years' time. Will I be able to provide Princess a life that she probably want? Four children and a MPV, a good home etc, will I be able to do that? I certainly hope so.... I don't want to let Princess suffer from a lack of comfort living. Am I stupid to not have joined in the foray? But it is not in my nature to be in a rat race for wealth. Guess I am not destined for a wealthy lifestyle, am I?

Princess cries....

Coming back from a Sunday outing this evening, Princess was in my car bidding me a goodbye before she leaves for work assignment in India tomorrow evening. We will not be able to see each other for the next two weeks.....

Embracing her in my car, I felt a wet patch on my shirt and then it came to me that Princess was crying.... That really breaks my heart........ I don't really know how to comfort or console except to give her the re-assurance that the weeks will pass in a blink of the eye and we will be able to spend one lovely weekend in KL the following week because I will go up to KL to meet her.

In my heart I know that I cannot ever let my Princess down for whatever reasons. She has become very attached to me and I know that without a doubt. I am determined to put my past behind me and to never ever repeat the mistakes that I have made in the past. To me, she represents my future happiness and I will do my best to make her happy....

Horrible headache now.... maybe due to the lack of sleep or just plain fatigue.... Got to go to bed early tonight.

Don't cry, dear. I know you have me in your heart. I promise that I won't disappoint you.

Alone

Tonight feels kind of like those that I had experienced in the past.... one of being alone and nothing to do. Princess is out with friends and I am home alone doing things that I have not really done in a while, like watching TV for instance. Really, it's been quite a period since I had last watch any MediaCorp serial from start till end.

Wonder how life would become (again) if Princess is not in my life? Probably I will really leave Singapore for somewhere else because I feel bored here.... Or it is bored with my job? Just don't feel happy doing what I'm doing now because the work is never ending. No sense of satisfaction doing the same things over and over again. But frankly, other than knowing that I should not be in my current lifestyle, I don't have any idea where should I be or what I should be doing for a lifelong and satisfying job. Maybe teach? Maybe study again? Japan? Cash out and move away? No clear answers.

Lonely without Princess with me... Just had a shot of DOM and feeling some slight effect now. Maybe just switch off the lights and sleep and wait for another boring and unfulfilling day? Sigh, Princess is the only bright spot in my life now but still we have to stay apart until things become clearer with her parents.

Honestly, I will be stressed meeting her parents but got to start somewhere, don't I? There is no hiding from the fact that she can't just revolve around my life. I also need to be fair to her too. Always hate the "Meet Parents" sessions.... stressful.... but.....

Sleep....

Sunday

Well, I was "ridiculed" by my girlfriend for writing a crappy and worthless blog on Saturday..... Haha... I do admit it was short and straight to the point but I must be given credit for being concise, right?

Sigh, my dear dear will be leaving for job assignment the Monday after next so how do I keep in contact with her during her absence? Actually I don't quite know for sure. Long distance calls are at least $0.30 per minute which makes long chats almost impossible. If internet connection is not free then IM or Skype won't be cost-effective either. Besides, don't think it's convenient for her to lug her notebook to India either..... I still think an ultraportable or internet tablet is the best choice....

Had Japanese dinner at the Miramar this evening and my dear paid for it. Have to really, really thank her for being so generous with me..... Sometimes I still don't know why or what I did to deserve such a good girl like her... She really does shower me with all her love and I can most certainly see and feel it, in more ways than one. Really, this is really a gem of a girl.....

She brought up the point of studying in Japan. Honestly, this has been one of my dreams for ages as I have long been a fan of the Japanese language and its culture. However, looking at where I am right now, would it be appropriate (or too late) for me to even consider it? Appropriate in the sense that I am not exactly very young and I have dear dear to think about. Maybe alternatively, I can do it locally if it is indeed available. In my mind, I am very sure if I have this additional linguistic advantage, I will be able to find work with companies that need this additional edge in their staff. At worst, I can find some adminstrative position when I am no longer working in my current capacity as a QA manager.....

Saturday

Have not been blogging regularly for reasons made known earlier. Well, nothing much to update except that job sucks and love life is good.

Back in a few days.....

Random thoughts.....

There is actually no theme for tonight's entry. Just random thoughts that I thought to myself during shower.

People who have been visiting my blog will definitely notice a slowdown in the number of blogs in my site. I guess recent events have made it more difficult or unnecessary to update my blog that often anymore. The original objective of this blog, if anyone can recall, was to archive my past memories, starting from my childhood. To be honest, I never made it past any particular period of my childhood years before Princess came into my life. From then onwards, it was all about Princess and basically nothing else except for the episode about my mom.

Mom's passing was unfortunate to say the least but I am still of the opinion that it was probably best for her given the pains and sufferings that she was going through towards the end. At times, I still think of things that she had done for me in the past and how I did not display my appreciation for a lot of them. Princess had told me that I should look forward and not repeat the same mistakes in life so that I won't have to go through them again. Maybe I should and hopefully I would.

Princess, to me, is a blessing. After a few months of courtship, I must admit again that she has been the one that I have showered the most love upon. Never in my entire life have I been that giving in a relationship and I don't see any signs of letting up on my love. That is a wonderful feeling to say the least. To be able to love someone as much as I am doing now means that I have finally found someone that I love enough to just pour my heart and soul for. I have read enough to know that some people are fully committed to their girlfriends up to the point BEFORE they have sex. Once that apex is reached, their "love" starts to wane and some will just dump their partners and move on to the next "love". Generalisation as what my Princess would always say? Maybe but it has happened enough in my readings to know there is some truth in it. Well, for Princess this is a resounding "NO". Yes, we have been intimate beyond the norm and I can proudly say that I still love her just as much and I want to love her even more.

Princess has not been the easiest person to understand. Through these last few months, it is because of her personality that I have learned a lot about relationships from her. To me, she is an embodiment of strong headedness and emotional frailness. At times, she is strongly principled on topics that she believes in and thus can be very vocal at certain times. Vocal enough to make me feel hurt/terrorised/intimidated by her directness on occasions. Yet, she can be emotionally fragile which makes me want to protect her with all my life. I must say I have never come across a woman like her before but she just has that charm that I love and probably that is why I hardly ever get mad with her. Sometimes it just takes one thing to counter another and I think she is my counter-balance so as to speak. Surely, she has become my One, no doubt.

One thing that I must admit she has taught me well is to always think partner before self. Don't know how else to put it. Sometimes she gets upset with me for things that I would think is OK but if I think like a woman, then I probably can understand what she means. Well, no one has said that a loving relationship comes easily and without any effort so I must say I have been learning and paying my "school fees".

With her work-related travels imminent in the next few weeks, I wonder to myself if I will cope well to her absence. While she keeps saying that she is very dependent on me nowadays, I did tell her the reverse is also true. Can I really cope without her beside me for so many weeks? Gosh.... I really wonder.....