Power of love

I did say that I thought I lost Princess today. But one thing that really struck me was how determined I have become in getting this relationship to work. In the past I would have sulked and retreated to a corner to wait for the worst but I remember that this is already the 3rd or 4th time that I have reacted (quite) strongly to adverse situations.

Like the time when she scolded me for throwing away the opportunity she gave me, the time that she was upset with something, and like today when she was upset/disappointed about the bed thing. Well, I probably did enough to demonstrate my love for her. I was pretty firm about responding in a positive manner. Frankly, that worked wonders for me too as I was less depressed once I forced myself to be more positive.

Maybe it's the power of love? Princess has really made me work doubly hard.... I am very sure that she can sense and feel my sincerity.....

Lost and found?

I thought I lost Princess today. She was not too pleased or found it unacceptable or unfathomable that I was still sharing the same bed with my Ex literally until the last day before we went our separate ways.

To all people, including my Ex, that was probably a very strange thing to do even though we were officially over..... Maybe I was too nonchalant about such things but it had never crossed my mind what other people will think. Sigh, sometimes I am probably too "bo chap" about certain things, I guess. I did explain to Princess that we had never done anything out of line but that probably didn't register anyway.......

To be honest, I have never seen her so disappointed before. Even in the worst days, she would probably be more upset than disappointed but I really, really felt the pain in her so much so that I was 100% sure that she will finally leave me. If that were to happen, I really don't know what will I do. I was so worried that I really couldn't concentrate on my work. She expressed herself so strongly in our secret file that I was literally dazed and extremely worried that that was it. Game over......

All that I could do was plead and beg her to judge me on my current ways. There is nothing that I can do to change the past but I hope to be judged on my future behavior. Truly, the failed relationship did play a part to shape my new attitude towards marriage and Princess also taught me a lot of things about building and maintaining a relationship. As such, I did tell Princess that I have been working doubly hard at our relationship to make sure that history does not repeat itself.

Sigh, sometimes Princess scares me. I love her so much that any slightest hint that she is upset or unhappy makes me worried. Honestly, I have been giving it all my best to make sure that she is happy and will never leave me but sometimes I worry that she would still dump me. Talk about insecurity....

But I am extremely happy and relieved that things got better towards the evening. Maybe it's because my pleads worked or she simmered down enough to forgive me. Regardless, I am thankful that things are OK now. Really, I have never felt so afraid thus far in our relationship.

I pray very hard that Princess will never get upset again......

A new phase

A lot have happened during the last week. Mom has passed away and with her demise the central figure of this family is no more. Don't know how life for this family will change but let's hope the bond among the family members will remain unchanged.

Life with Princess is really, really good. We are officially in love and enjoying every second of it. Don't know how else to put it except that I am treating her more and more like my wife. This time around, I feel happy to the Nth degree and I have this very warm feeling inside me that is incredibly strong.

I'm going to marry this gal!

Rest in peace, mom

My mom passed away this evening.....

To be honest, her passing on is within my expectation. After seeing her health deteriorating in recent months and then more so in recent weeks, I knew that her time in this world was drawing to an end. I had hoped that she can make it past another Chinese New Year but I guess it was not meant to be.

I have never claimed to be very close to my parents and with that I never knew a lot of things about them either. I know that I was never a good son to my mom because I never really spent a lot of quality time with her.

So near but yet so far.....

Shit happens, really. This morning, Princess told me that she wanted to say the words that I have been waiting to hear for a long time but some untimely intervention from my Ex kind of burst that bubble.

Sometimes one cannot fight with fate. It was so coincidental that Ex had to sms me right smack in the morning after breakfast with Princess. An innocuous gesture to reply to ex and inform Princess about it totally wrecked my chance of hearing those magical words. Sure, deep down I already knew how Princess felt about me but that incident immediately threw me a couple of steps back from where our relationship was and along with it, the words from Princess. Now I have to start building my credentials with Princess again. Sigh, sometimes simply have to say "Sway, man".....

Though I wasn't lying when I told Princess that it may not be important to hear those words since I already know how she feels about me but..... but just don't know why things had to be so coincidental to deprive me of this chance.......

Well, guess that I have to wait longer.....

Madly in love with Princess

Princess and me have come a long, long way in a short, short time. Really, what happened on Saturday during our private moments is just re-affirmation about what I knew all along, that indeed that I am truly in love with her.

en the moment of passion came about, I really felt this nice and loving feeling with her. The key thing was that I felt it to be loving after I had "done" it. This time around, there was no feeling of guilt or remorse. Truly, this time around, the feeling is right and the love is still there.....

So this is the difference between in love and in lust? I guess so......

By stroke of chance, Princess was forced by circumstances to meet the family. Damn stressed for both of us I must say......

Dad was, like usual, at his typical old-school, old-fashion self, asking the crap about the family origin. As if I know who mine is/was if her parents were to ask me the same question.... One more of such crap from him I am going to just ignore him again..... trying to make my life with Princess difficult. Maybe I should really agitate and piss him off by telling him that his grand children will be brought up as Catholics... ha. Really can't stand him.....

Caroline was good and understanding as always and tried to put Princess at ease. I think Princess will fit into the the family pretty and since the nieces are going to be Protestants anyway so I guess no problem on my side too.... Good! Things are indeed working out well.

Princess

This week will forever be a very special one for me. It is in this week I did something very affectionate and loving with Princess. I will never ever forget this week.....

Looking back, I have come very far with Princess in the last 1.5 months. From nothing to where we are now, I am really in 7th heaven. I am simply at a loss for words to describe my feelings right now.

All I want is promise to Princess and myself is that I will never take her for granted, I will forever cherish her presence in my life, and I will make her my partner in life.

I love you, Princess.....

100th post!

Incredibly, this blog has survived for more than 2 months and still going strong.

My original intent was to save up all my memories from years passed but never would I have imagined that it will become a forum to proclaim my love for someone that has now become a very, very special person in my life.

Rather than looking back, I am now looking forward to the future and looking forward to many, many sweet memories with my Princess.

Princess VOEP, may this 100th blog be a testament of my love for you. Hopefully, by the time the 200th blog comes around, we would still be, if not more loving, as today. Better yet, let's see how high a peak we can push ourselves to....

Love you....

Princess, I'm not going to pretend that you are not reading this. Of course we both knew it all along that all blogs can be freely read by you although I always write with the assumption that no one but me can read this blog. Indeed, this very special and unique of communication (and the PEP-CS file) have been our unique method of understanding more of each other.

When I read your special blog this afternoon I felt very happy. The very fact that you acknowledge my love for you made me feel very blessed and happy. Really, I can only see that this as a sign that slowly but surely it is bearing fruit for me.... and us.

You know, seeing you sleeping on my lap this afternoon, I knew for sure I cannot nor will I disappoint your trust in me. Stroking your hair while you sleep, I knew that I have to dote on you for a long, long time. Trust me, Princess, little by little, I will remove that fear residing inside you. I promise.

Yesterday was another great and memorable day in our ever growing relationship (yes, I am using that word now). We practically spent the whole day together, visiting the doctors, getting the massage, church (which I am absolutely OK but just felt out of place since I am the odd one out), dinner, then Labrador Park, then Tanjong Rhu, and finally followed by our very intense day-closing chat (politics and s*x). Dear, unless you tell me a true relationship will be much, much, much more intense, there is no way we are not already in one....

I love you, Princess. I will wait for the day you will be mine and then we can consummate our love...... I assure you I look at it as a sign of my love for you.

Hugs and kisses for you, dear Princess VOEP.

Princess writes

I guess I've been invited to write... should I feel honored? Well, this kind of came as a surprise and I probably haven't quite thought of what I should write...

I guess I should say I've been very blessed to have someone love me so much of late. Sometimes it really feels good and I really feel as if this is it. But the fear of again being hurt, of again having to go through an emotional turmoil really holds me back. But yesterday I think we've taken a big step forward. I was really hesitant initially to have to see his mom but guess it's the least I could do for someone who loves me lots. I do hope that the big step did make a difference in her life... and in her will power to live life.

I know you'll read this... and just want you to know how appreciative of everything that you've done to me. Rest assured that I never take things for granted. One day, when I've overcome my fear of being hurt again, I'm sure we'll have a lovely time ahead, creating dreams and memories we can call our own.

Mom

I was actually home early tonight and managed to spend some time with mom. She is weak and I fear the worst.....

Compared to even as early as weeks ago she is much weaker. Don't know what else to do but to urge and encourage her to eat more to regain her strength.

Really want Princess to be here to show mom that I have found my true love. Don't know how much longer she can hold on but I hope long enough till next Chinese New Year. Beyond that I really have no idea....

What's in a kiss?

Love...... I felt love in the kiss. When I placed my lips to hers, I just felt this relaxed and pleasing sensation in my heart, as if it is the most sensual sensation ever. I literally melted in her mouth......

It reminded me of this one kiss that I had with my Ex that really made my heart flutter..... Only this one lasted longer, way longer and it feels just right..... Like I'm kising my dear? It sure felt that way.

Gosh, I miss her already.......

It will never be simple.....

Sometimes I am very confused about my status with Princess. Under normal dating protocols, people in the same situation like us would probably already be considered as couples but it is not the case with us. Without a doubt I feel very much for her and I can confidently say it's the same the other way but for some reason we are not yet a couple because she has fear committing to this.

In a way, I don't blame her because she has indeed just come out of a difficult relationship and frankly has doubts that are arising from her sense of insecurity. Coupled with my over-enthusiasm (impatience?) I must admit I am making it difficult for myself.

I really need to slowly and surely ease her insecurity and make her believe her future lies with me. Maybe in my haste to make her happy, I forget to give her the space to actually see and test out my sincerity. I don't know, it's just that I have never felt so strongly for a woman before and I feel so strongly to make it work for both of us.

Well, I promised her that I'll die trying and never give up until the last minute and this is what I plan to do. Like what the HK DJ would always say, "Never Give Up!".

Just the simple life......

Why must life be so complicated? Why must I hit a snag everytime I become happy? I mean, I really feel that it was fate that brought us together in the first place but has it always been on Fate's card that I will never make it with her?

I just want the simple life.....

Dark clouds looming.....

For the 1st time in weeks, I am very, very afraid. I'm afraid that Princess will decide to leave me despite all my efforts to demonstrate my love for her.

It's sad to know that religion can play big enough a factor to let her think about leaving me. If it is true, I will be bitter about life (again).

I can sacrifice everything for her, I can give in to every single thing that she asks for but at the end she also needs to demonstrate her love and commitment to me and acknowledge my contributions to make this relationship work...... Alas, she said she cannot commit..... Although she explained why, that really still cut like a knife.... Despite our short time together, she is the whole world to me..... The entire universe..... But does she know? Sigh, but then why is she so loving to me? Why do we embrace and kiss? What are those? Just pittance for me? I am confused.....

Princess, why can't you pray and ask for guidance? If miracles have happened in the past, can you ask for another one? Life is so unfair if this is the reason I cannot be with you..... cruel to me to say the least.....

Sigh....... Does this mean I will need to go through the pain again? Really going to cry.........

What if.....

These past few weeks have been an incredibly happy period in my life. Being single again, I can actually go out and date girls openly without any fear or reservations. And to think that I can actually be dating Princess is in itself something that I would never have dreamt about. Simply put, to say that I am happy is an understatement; to say that this is a once in a lifetime chance is not an exaggeration.

Given the fact that it is so blissful, I can't help but ask myself what will happen to me if it fails? What if Princess decides not to choose me in the end? What if the ending is not something that I had wished for? Then what?

Princess probably doesn't know or understand that I also have my own set of insecurity. At times, I also fear that my unreserved love will not be reciprocated even after months or years down the road and I will be left stranded.... alone again. I really don't want that to happen else I will be devastated yet again.

Really, I pray that shit doesn't fall on me again.......

What a wonderful life......

I am having a great weekend today. Had a good night's rest yesterday. This morning, Princess and I went to the PC Show (she drove; kiss her for this) to get ourselves a printer (for her dad) and a digital camera (for us both). It was a good outing.

I also bought her a Braun Buffel wallet which I do think compliments her rather well. Don't mind paying for it at all really and I must say it was a real bargain at ~$44. The fact that she allowed me to pay for it is another significant moment as this means that she has truly eased up to me and don't mind me showering her with gifts at all. I am sooooo happy. I am not using material gifts as a method of pleasing her but rather I just feel like pampering her....

I also bought a couple of khaki shorts for myself and again, she was cool about waiting while I shopped a little :)

And not forgetting the foot massage at Roxy Square where I brought her to the usual place that I go to. Haha..... she does look to be in some pain during the session. In fact, I didn't mind showing affection by extending my hand across to hold her hand. I didn't even care if people were looking or thinking about our age gap. At this point in time, I couldn't care less about it.

I am so happy that she enjoys the stuff that I usually do and I think we'll really be ultra compatible if things continue this way. I feel so happy that we are creating our own little set of memories by dating and I will blog all those to never forget them and remind myself to always cherish her.

Really, the couple feel is now so strong that I am enjoying life 100%. Really cannot imagine something so blissful could actually still happen to me. I really must thank my lucky stars and I must make doubly share that I don't take her for granted but continue to grow this wonderful relationship with her. Imagine me spending weekends upon weekends with the girl of my dream..... WHOEVER IS UP THERE, THANK YOU!!!!

And now I wait for dinner.... haha.....

Responsibility

Maybe talk about something different now.

Something came into my mind when I was listening in to what Princess and Mary-Ann talked about on Friday during dinner (at ABC market! haha).

It got me thinking when Princess mentioned that her dad is not in the tip top of health but yet continues to indulge a little on the side with the knowledge that it may be bad for his health. It just got me wondering if a desire to continue a certain quality of life should override the need to be responsible for one's health and to the family.

My reasons.... Unless it is hereditary or bad luck, I believe our personal lifestyle will determine our state of health now and in the future. Human beings will wear and tear with time and I am of the belief that all excessive indulgence (food, liquor, cigarettes etc) will show up as poor health in the future.

For example, it is a given that cigarettes are bad for one's health but people still do it. Why? Because they don't see the pain now and they always cite the low probability (grandmother story about so and so smoking for years but still OK). So if someone who smokes a lot during his early years and gets a related illness thereafter, does that mean that he should be allowed to continue because he wants to maintain his quality of life? I don't know.... I always believe in balance... he has already decided to squander his quota of "quality life" in early life and if restraint is needed later to maintain a healthier life then I think it is the responsibility of the person to realise this and do so.

In my opinion, it must be a balance between sacrifices and the desire to maintain a quality of life. If I knowingly maintain my quality of life even with the knowledge that it may deteriorate my condition and burden them in the future, then I think it is selfish and irresponsible for the simple fact that it is thinking of self before the masses.

Probably I feel very strongly about this because I have seen or heard of cases whereby people simply over-indulged and then end up burdening the family years down the road. In those cases, the people also chose to ignore the signs and continued to lead their normal lives..... What happened? One case had to sell off the house to pay for the medical expenses, one case had the dad being wheelchair-bound and ostracised, and one case has the person literally wasting his life away on a bed....

Well, another case of Princess triggering me to think..... Haha...

Simply love the girl.....

I don't know why, as I have always said and asked myself. I am head over heels for this girl that I have really know since April and really, really known since May. Simply can't put a finger to it, she is just perfect in my eyes.

I don't mind staying up late for her, don't mind showering her with gifts, don't mind driving her all over the place, don't mind anything whatsoever. Man, I treat her even better than my own family. I am even afraid of her not being in my life, fearing that my life or world will literally collapse if that were to happen. Gosh, may that never ever happen else I'm really going to die.......