Really, why is it my work has to be so diffifult? Making me lost sleep over it. I wonder if this will shorten my life if this continues. Really feel like resigning and taking a sabbatical.
I try to do my part but seems like my part is never enough to satisfy people.
Stressed.......
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Chinese New Year and random thoughts
Chinese New Year for me started on 1pm on Wednesday and today is already the night of Sunday. Four and a half days have passed just like that. Really, why must good times always end so fast?
On CNY eve, I picked up my dear at 9plus in the night, I think and proceeded to go to her home. I was dead tired and ended up sleeping overnight till 6am before I left for home. On the way back, I queued up for 20 minutes to wash my car. Well, the wash was not satisfactory and I ended up having to clean stubborn stains out. Still, the car still looked in need of an extreme makeover. Guess I wasted ~$100 on the car polish from beginning January. Damn.
What did I do on CNY? Well, by the time I had rested, it was already 3pm and I went to pick Dear up again. From there, I rested for 2 hours before I went to her grandmother's house for dinner. Dinner was simple and I dared not eat more. Thereafter, just sat around and played a little blackjack before we went for karaoke from 9:30pm until 1:30am the next day. Had a little argument with her regarding family or rather the importance of her family to her. Seriously, I have no issues that she is pro family but simply I also feel that I also want time to rest and do my stuff.
The 2nd day of CNY was also busy with other stuff.... Went to pick up the dog at around 2pm and spent hours cleaning her ears. Looking at the dog, I do feel sorry for not being able to spend more time with her. Animals have feelings too although they can't express it and I most certainly know I have been unfair to her. Yes, people will say I am crazy but I do see the sadness in her eyes when she looked at me. Hopefully, the kids will fill up some of the voids. Still worried about the dog's ears, though. Looks a little too red to be normal. I also decided to go to dear's uncle's place. Yes, dear was right to say I didn't look myself but honestly I was nervous and I was tired. I really wanted to rest early that day and was worried that it will be a long evening. Sometimes it is not I don't want to go for the family outings but at times I feel that I am neglecting my sister by not being home. I don't want her to feel or think that I am treating the house as a hotel. I felt very bad that it made my dear cry. Sometimes I feel like such a burden and loser to everyone around me, making them upset, irritated, and worry for me. The outing turned out to be well. The food was good and we played a long session of blackjack. We left for home after that and I promptly showered and changed. Dear was right to say I fell asleep fast; I was indeed tired. Frankly, I always try not to disappoint her but I don't know how to put forth to her that I was actually very tired. I don't want her to feel that I am making up excuses not to do certain things. That is why sometimes I also worried about us starting a family in the future. Granted I will be happy to have children but I also worry and wonder will I have the strength to carry out activities that will satisfy her and her pro family stance? Her expectations are not low to begin with. I really hope that I will be able to show her that I am a responsible husband and father.
3rd day of CNY was easy at the start of the day. Actually woke up later and went for roti prata breakfast. I wanted to buy an LCD tv to put in dear's room but was disappointed that I wasn't able to. Sigh, disappointed but nevertheless went for MOS burger lunch and then went home for a rest. I watched "The Replacements" on tv and enjoyed the comic relief. Cleared some work thereafter while my dear slept. The evening was basically spent with her friend Mariann; simple dinner at Adam road hawker centre and then to Dempsey's for a night's out drinking. The session was enjoyable because I got to drink a lot; enough to make me feel very tipsy..... ha. Didn't remember much except the question that was posed to me "Why do you have regrets in your life?". I remembered I replied "It is more disappointments than regrets.". Yup, regtets and disappointments. Lots of it but those are in the past. I am really trying to think positive and move on....
Woke up with a hangover on the 4th day of CNY. Spent a few hours trying to shake off the hangover and then went over to dear's place again at 2:30pm. Met her friends from secondary and junior college and showed them my Wii. It went pretty OK but I didn't interact a lot with them. Hopefully, they didn't have too bad an impression of me. The evening was again the family from her mother's side and everyone gathered together again. Maybe it's me but I really wondered if there is a need to gather repeatedly over and over again over the CNY period and do the same stuff i.e. eat, chat, and gamble. Yeah, maybe it is me.....
By the time I returned home, it was already 8:30pm. There you go, four and a half days of CNY just went by like that. The days were filled with so much activities that I feel a very strong sense of loss knowing that it is about to end and I must return to work starting tomorrow. Back to the work that I no longer believe in or find much pleasure in.
I am very confused now...... Just what does life will be like for me moving forward? I really don't want to drop death and then realised I never did anything that I would be proud of.....
On CNY eve, I picked up my dear at 9plus in the night, I think and proceeded to go to her home. I was dead tired and ended up sleeping overnight till 6am before I left for home. On the way back, I queued up for 20 minutes to wash my car. Well, the wash was not satisfactory and I ended up having to clean stubborn stains out. Still, the car still looked in need of an extreme makeover. Guess I wasted ~$100 on the car polish from beginning January. Damn.
What did I do on CNY? Well, by the time I had rested, it was already 3pm and I went to pick Dear up again. From there, I rested for 2 hours before I went to her grandmother's house for dinner. Dinner was simple and I dared not eat more. Thereafter, just sat around and played a little blackjack before we went for karaoke from 9:30pm until 1:30am the next day. Had a little argument with her regarding family or rather the importance of her family to her. Seriously, I have no issues that she is pro family but simply I also feel that I also want time to rest and do my stuff.
The 2nd day of CNY was also busy with other stuff.... Went to pick up the dog at around 2pm and spent hours cleaning her ears. Looking at the dog, I do feel sorry for not being able to spend more time with her. Animals have feelings too although they can't express it and I most certainly know I have been unfair to her. Yes, people will say I am crazy but I do see the sadness in her eyes when she looked at me. Hopefully, the kids will fill up some of the voids. Still worried about the dog's ears, though. Looks a little too red to be normal. I also decided to go to dear's uncle's place. Yes, dear was right to say I didn't look myself but honestly I was nervous and I was tired. I really wanted to rest early that day and was worried that it will be a long evening. Sometimes it is not I don't want to go for the family outings but at times I feel that I am neglecting my sister by not being home. I don't want her to feel or think that I am treating the house as a hotel. I felt very bad that it made my dear cry. Sometimes I feel like such a burden and loser to everyone around me, making them upset, irritated, and worry for me. The outing turned out to be well. The food was good and we played a long session of blackjack. We left for home after that and I promptly showered and changed. Dear was right to say I fell asleep fast; I was indeed tired. Frankly, I always try not to disappoint her but I don't know how to put forth to her that I was actually very tired. I don't want her to feel that I am making up excuses not to do certain things. That is why sometimes I also worried about us starting a family in the future. Granted I will be happy to have children but I also worry and wonder will I have the strength to carry out activities that will satisfy her and her pro family stance? Her expectations are not low to begin with. I really hope that I will be able to show her that I am a responsible husband and father.
3rd day of CNY was easy at the start of the day. Actually woke up later and went for roti prata breakfast. I wanted to buy an LCD tv to put in dear's room but was disappointed that I wasn't able to. Sigh, disappointed but nevertheless went for MOS burger lunch and then went home for a rest. I watched "The Replacements" on tv and enjoyed the comic relief. Cleared some work thereafter while my dear slept. The evening was basically spent with her friend Mariann; simple dinner at Adam road hawker centre and then to Dempsey's for a night's out drinking. The session was enjoyable because I got to drink a lot; enough to make me feel very tipsy..... ha. Didn't remember much except the question that was posed to me "Why do you have regrets in your life?". I remembered I replied "It is more disappointments than regrets.". Yup, regtets and disappointments. Lots of it but those are in the past. I am really trying to think positive and move on....
Woke up with a hangover on the 4th day of CNY. Spent a few hours trying to shake off the hangover and then went over to dear's place again at 2:30pm. Met her friends from secondary and junior college and showed them my Wii. It went pretty OK but I didn't interact a lot with them. Hopefully, they didn't have too bad an impression of me. The evening was again the family from her mother's side and everyone gathered together again. Maybe it's me but I really wondered if there is a need to gather repeatedly over and over again over the CNY period and do the same stuff i.e. eat, chat, and gamble. Yeah, maybe it is me.....
By the time I returned home, it was already 8:30pm. There you go, four and a half days of CNY just went by like that. The days were filled with so much activities that I feel a very strong sense of loss knowing that it is about to end and I must return to work starting tomorrow. Back to the work that I no longer believe in or find much pleasure in.
I am very confused now...... Just what does life will be like for me moving forward? I really don't want to drop death and then realised I never did anything that I would be proud of.....
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Reunion dinner
My dear was right (like always...) , a blog is just like a diary, capturing incidents that happened on a certain day. Tonight was no different. It was Reunion night for the family.
It was the first such dinner without mom around. The atmosphere was ok, people were still jovial. However, the food was not nearly what I remembered from the past. Truthfully, it was nowhere near what my mom did in the past. Guess I will never ever be able to taste as good a meal as in the past....
This really sucks....
It was the first such dinner without mom around. The atmosphere was ok, people were still jovial. However, the food was not nearly what I remembered from the past. Truthfully, it was nowhere near what my mom did in the past. Guess I will never ever be able to taste as good a meal as in the past....
This really sucks....
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