I have always said that my life path is full of downs and seldom as easy or as grand compared to others. Yes, I may not be the worst off but many a times I feel that I really need to go through a lot of pain and suffering (emotional or otherwise) just to gain some results while it may drop in the laps of others for the same time.
That is why at times I just hope for a piece of good luck to find assurance that I am not the worst and somewhere and somehow I may not neglected from the One's big picture. Stupid to say but I feel that if I wager a bet and actually win, I feel good knowing that I still have some form of luck. But alas, even for such things I stumble.....
Well, maybe just like what the stars predicted, this year of the... year of the..... can't remember (sigh, very poor memory nowadays) is just a bad one for me....
Nothing seems to be going right....
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Distant past
Occurred to me this morning that it is almost 5 years ago since I moved out from the landed property. Five years.... really a very, very long time. No wonder I am starting to forget some details of the old place. How did my life deteriorate so much that I went from sleeping in my own room and bed to sleeping on the floor on a mattress?
To say I am past feeling sad about losing my old place is quite a lie. If anything, at least that place get me a sense of security like a blanket. Or maybe I am just feeling nostalgia tonight? Maybe so, maybe so....
I see other people having plans to do this or that, study or be a boss, move to a new job etc. I can't say I don't envy them.... Just makes me feel so useless for doing the same old thing. In other people's eyes' I am probably just a stayer who has no ambitions.
I have many unfulfilled ambitions too.... How to fulfill them? No youth, no money, no time....... Really, should I just bite the bullet and go crazy for once or one last time? If not, will I die with many regrets? The distant past is just what it is.... a past that is so distant that it is really a joke thinking what could have been or should have been.
Another day gone....
To say I am past feeling sad about losing my old place is quite a lie. If anything, at least that place get me a sense of security like a blanket. Or maybe I am just feeling nostalgia tonight? Maybe so, maybe so....
I see other people having plans to do this or that, study or be a boss, move to a new job etc. I can't say I don't envy them.... Just makes me feel so useless for doing the same old thing. In other people's eyes' I am probably just a stayer who has no ambitions.
I have many unfulfilled ambitions too.... How to fulfill them? No youth, no money, no time....... Really, should I just bite the bullet and go crazy for once or one last time? If not, will I die with many regrets? The distant past is just what it is.... a past that is so distant that it is really a joke thinking what could have been or should have been.
Another day gone....
Drooping head
As I climbed up the stairs to my miserable flat this evening, it dwelled on me that I had my head drooped down and staring at the stairs all the way up till the 5th floor. The body language kinds of tells it all, hasn't been a good day at all.
I had thought that it would be an OK day but turned out I got a 5-minute earful about my incompetence as a manager. I don't think I am incompetent. I don't want to seen as incompetent. Am I incompetent? Maybe I am incompetent. I must be incompetent so that's why I was chided at..... Yeah, I guess I am incompetent.
No matter how hard I try, I just don't get appreciated. Just depressing to have this day in day out.
Head drooping...... Just punishment from whoever. It's OK. Practice the spirit of "Ah-Q", just let it be. Yup, just let it be.
Just not good at anything nowadays......
I had thought that it would be an OK day but turned out I got a 5-minute earful about my incompetence as a manager. I don't think I am incompetent. I don't want to seen as incompetent. Am I incompetent? Maybe I am incompetent. I must be incompetent so that's why I was chided at..... Yeah, I guess I am incompetent.
No matter how hard I try, I just don't get appreciated. Just depressing to have this day in day out.
Head drooping...... Just punishment from whoever. It's OK. Practice the spirit of "Ah-Q", just let it be. Yup, just let it be.
Just not good at anything nowadays......
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Diastrous day
Can't help but keep cursing the fella who stole my dear's handphone. Because of this person, my dear cried and I needed to work out how to salvage the situation. Because of this uncivilised behaviour of this thief cum beggar, dear and I lost something that we had happily went to purchase together. Really damn the fella!
Back of my mind now is also on the forthcoming visit by the customer, just in a daze now nothing can be helped since it is already so late. Just need to put in more effort tomorrow.
Seriously bad-luck for my dear today but I was glad that I can be there for her and to comfort her. I could tell that she was really sad at losing the 1-week old phone. Really thinking how to cheer her up.
Back of my mind now is also on the forthcoming visit by the customer, just in a daze now nothing can be helped since it is already so late. Just need to put in more effort tomorrow.
Seriously bad-luck for my dear today but I was glad that I can be there for her and to comfort her. I could tell that she was really sad at losing the 1-week old phone. Really thinking how to cheer her up.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Dumpling festival
Soon, the Dumpling festival will arrive again. The 1st year where mom is not around to celebrate with us. Life is just that bit different without a family.....
Disappointing end to the day....
Still thinking back to what my dear said to me just now. Was I putting her down? From her explanation, I can see her point although I have zero intention of doing so. Saying that she couldn't do a back massage as good as the masseur was merely my way of politely saying the masseur is good or better than both of us. If the roles were reverse and she said the same thing to the masseur I wouldn't think much of it because it is true.
Thinking more into it, I kind of wonder if the feeling is like what I felt in the afternoon when she laughed at my mis-pronounciation. Even though she didn't mean it as she said, I felt bad and was feeling that she was laughing at my incompetence on both occasions. In this case, would I be wrong if I had assumed that she was putting me down? Honestly, that has happened on other occasions and nowadays I have become sensitive about using multi-syllabus words so much so that I have lost that bit of confidence. Maybe I am too insensitive? Maybe. Maybe she was too sensitive this afternoon? Again, maybe. Well, I guess looking for an answer would probably lead to an endless argument.
Honestly, I just feel that my dear is rather temperamental at me nowadays. Like what I told her, she tends to make her own conclusion about certain situations even though I never meant it that way. As a result, she would become upset or at least very recluse although she wouldn't agree with me, I guess.... Maybe I am not as attentive as before and most certainly have room for improvement but I just feel that the number of occasions whereby I was being "snapped at" or "cynically rebutted" has gone up. Honestly, it was not a good feeling to have inside of me but at times I just bottle it up because I don't want to make the situation more worst than it was. I am not trying to make myself look like a hero because I am not. In those situations, I really do try to "de-fuse" the tension by explaining myself but it doesn't work 100% of the time. Well, as I have learned, relationships will always be a case of give and take.
Just a disappointing end to the day as I said..... Just feeling low and lousy that the day turned out this way in the end....
Thinking more into it, I kind of wonder if the feeling is like what I felt in the afternoon when she laughed at my mis-pronounciation. Even though she didn't mean it as she said, I felt bad and was feeling that she was laughing at my incompetence on both occasions. In this case, would I be wrong if I had assumed that she was putting me down? Honestly, that has happened on other occasions and nowadays I have become sensitive about using multi-syllabus words so much so that I have lost that bit of confidence. Maybe I am too insensitive? Maybe. Maybe she was too sensitive this afternoon? Again, maybe. Well, I guess looking for an answer would probably lead to an endless argument.
Honestly, I just feel that my dear is rather temperamental at me nowadays. Like what I told her, she tends to make her own conclusion about certain situations even though I never meant it that way. As a result, she would become upset or at least very recluse although she wouldn't agree with me, I guess.... Maybe I am not as attentive as before and most certainly have room for improvement but I just feel that the number of occasions whereby I was being "snapped at" or "cynically rebutted" has gone up. Honestly, it was not a good feeling to have inside of me but at times I just bottle it up because I don't want to make the situation more worst than it was. I am not trying to make myself look like a hero because I am not. In those situations, I really do try to "de-fuse" the tension by explaining myself but it doesn't work 100% of the time. Well, as I have learned, relationships will always be a case of give and take.
Just a disappointing end to the day as I said..... Just feeling low and lousy that the day turned out this way in the end....
Delayed posting
My goodness, how time flies..... My last blog was actually from more than 1 month ago?! Gosh....
My dear said that I actually have someone leaving a comment on my blog.... Again, incredulous for the simple fact that I never knew people would actually read (not even like) what I blog about. Ha.... really surprised to say the least. To whomever who left a comment, thanks...
Just returned back home after a few days' break in Taiwan. Got to admit that place grows on me. It is not really that cosmopolitan a city like what I imagined it to be; in fact, most of the buildings look kind of dated. However, after being there in Taipei twice in the last 6 months, I must say I really like the charm and character of the city. Everytime I walk past a shop or building where the decor is circa 1980s or 1990s, I would be imagining how things were for the tenants back then and how they are doing now 20 or 30 years later. I love the rustic feel of the place but I honestly hope that it's not because they are too economically challenged to do up the buildings/houses but rather just happy to leave things the way they are.
I do have to selfishly say I hope they keep it that way because it reminds me of Singapore from the same era. In Singapore, anything establishment more than X number of years will be torn down or refurbished so much so that it is really a "modern" city.... no places to look back and reminiscent what it was like back then. True, the areas here like Joo Chiat, Katong, Tanjong Katong, and Kallang are so much changed from before that I totally forgot some of the landmarks from before. Damn.... looking to the past again.
My dear said that I actually have someone leaving a comment on my blog.... Again, incredulous for the simple fact that I never knew people would actually read (not even like) what I blog about. Ha.... really surprised to say the least. To whomever who left a comment, thanks...
Just returned back home after a few days' break in Taiwan. Got to admit that place grows on me. It is not really that cosmopolitan a city like what I imagined it to be; in fact, most of the buildings look kind of dated. However, after being there in Taipei twice in the last 6 months, I must say I really like the charm and character of the city. Everytime I walk past a shop or building where the decor is circa 1980s or 1990s, I would be imagining how things were for the tenants back then and how they are doing now 20 or 30 years later. I love the rustic feel of the place but I honestly hope that it's not because they are too economically challenged to do up the buildings/houses but rather just happy to leave things the way they are.
I do have to selfishly say I hope they keep it that way because it reminds me of Singapore from the same era. In Singapore, anything establishment more than X number of years will be torn down or refurbished so much so that it is really a "modern" city.... no places to look back and reminiscent what it was like back then. True, the areas here like Joo Chiat, Katong, Tanjong Katong, and Kallang are so much changed from before that I totally forgot some of the landmarks from before. Damn.... looking to the past again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)