Lazy

As much as I would like to say I am a very disciplined and motivated person, there are times when I would like to just sit back and relax and laze around and do absolutely nothing....

Tonight is probably one of those days. I have cleared most of my emails on Saturday and this Sunday (though since a lot of other commitments to do) and thus I can afford to just sit back and really relax a little.

Ever since I became the lowly manager of my department and found myself a dear girlfriend, I do not have much time to just sit around and be my old self. Not saying this is a bad thing but most certainly I do want to just sit around and rot my day away. Alas, there is probably not possible for some time to come because time has indeed become a very precious and scarce commodity in recent times.

Still hate my job because it's a never ending cycle to complete jobs and commitments. Princess has rightly said that I am probably just complaining but still not motivated to look for another job. Yeah, that is true. Just hate myself for feeling lousy while it is MYSELF who is not moving.... So paradoxical... Just plain lazy or just lacking the courage to move?

My relationship with Princess is probably back to an acceptable loving level but yesterday I was a coward for not saying hello to a colleague (who is her ex-colleague too). I felt so bad.... Why should I be worried if I am no longer married? What has past is in the past so why so I still avoid.... Really should have slapped myself there and then. However, I must really, really thank my Princess for being so benevolent and didn't even blame me for reacting in such a manner..... I must have disappointed her there and then..... Stupid me....

Hopefully, in the very near future, I will earn, save or even strike Toto (wishful) to get enough $ to buy a good house for Princess..... Love her very much...

Am I the culprit?

Princess has commented that I have not been updating my blog for a while and this is (partially) true. In recent days, there have been more friction between Princess and myself and I really wonder if this is because the honeymoon phase is truly over and expectations have begun to change on my (and maybe her) part.

I did think through this but does it mean that I have changed in terms of how I see Princess now? Well, it's not a matter of whether my love has changed or not, that is still intact the way I see it. It is probably how different I view her now. Maybe I am taking her for granted? Maybe I am guilty of being inattentive?

Anyway, I will elaborate more on this the next round because I need to go to the office now. But I wonder, the fact that I squeezed out 5 minutes of my early morning to address one of Princess's concerns does really mean that I listen to her and act upon her wishes, doesn't it? Hmmm....

One last thing, I promised my Princess over and over again to get my resume done but I have yet to deliver. I truly hate this because I have disappointed her (and myself) too many a times. I promised to sweat blood to get it done during her business trip but yet I have not completed. This is totally my fault and I apologise to Princess....

Love my dear very, very much... I still hopes that she will marry me on of these days....

Logging off now.

One and only Baby Princess

I guess my baby kind of misunderstood what I was trying to tell her about her importance to me..... Let me repeat myself in this blog.

Baby Princess, you are my one and only love and NO ONE can compare to you. Absolutely no one.... Love you always, dear.

Actually, what I was trying to put forth to my baby is that I am a different person now. If I am indeed the man that I am today back then, I would have kept to my commitment BUT it is a paradox like I told her because Princess was the One who (finally) taught me and make me realise the true meaning of commitment. Without Princess, I won't be who I am today and thus back to square one. Period.

I hope Princess won't be upset anymore. If she were to read the file again, I did say that she is the better (in fact, the nearest to best) fit for me. With her, I feel I have found a soulmate to talk about things and she would be able to reciprocate in a similar manner. Without her now, I am totally and completely lost..... She is indeed special to me unlike what she is concerned about. She is not asking for too much, it is the truth that she is very, very special to me.... Kiss her for being such a dear to me and such a positive influence to my life.

And why wouldn't I see her as special? She said that I have made her feel "a lot more loved and treasured" but again, she was the One who has opened my eyes and mind. If being "enlightened" doesn't make me do such loving things, doesn't that make it contradictory? Hmmmm..... that's what I would have thought so.... haha....

Princess did make a difference to me... If not for her, I would still be staying at the same spot not knowing what it means to be a true soulmate and life partner to someone.

I am truly and honestly looking forward to a very happy and fulfilling future with her. We have gone car window-shopping and now it is home (not house, but a home for us...) window-shopping... Hopefully, I will continue to earn good $ and provide her a comfortable living. In my heart, I really want her to be my happy Baby Princess......

I am so blissful now..... if only the same is happening for my job then I am truly in heaven.....

I am thankful to whoever is up there.... cross my heart.

Building a future

I see many people around me earning big bucks nowadays and wonder if I am missing out on things. Really, I have slogged for over 10 years now and I still have nothing to show. No multi hundred thousand $ bank accounts, no house, no BMWs, no high paying jobs, no nothing.... Am I being greedy? I don't know. I'm already 40-yr old and will probably start a family with princess in another year or two years' time. Will I be able to provide Princess a life that she probably want? Four children and a MPV, a good home etc, will I be able to do that? I certainly hope so.... I don't want to let Princess suffer from a lack of comfort living. Am I stupid to not have joined in the foray? But it is not in my nature to be in a rat race for wealth. Guess I am not destined for a wealthy lifestyle, am I?

Princess cries....

Coming back from a Sunday outing this evening, Princess was in my car bidding me a goodbye before she leaves for work assignment in India tomorrow evening. We will not be able to see each other for the next two weeks.....

Embracing her in my car, I felt a wet patch on my shirt and then it came to me that Princess was crying.... That really breaks my heart........ I don't really know how to comfort or console except to give her the re-assurance that the weeks will pass in a blink of the eye and we will be able to spend one lovely weekend in KL the following week because I will go up to KL to meet her.

In my heart I know that I cannot ever let my Princess down for whatever reasons. She has become very attached to me and I know that without a doubt. I am determined to put my past behind me and to never ever repeat the mistakes that I have made in the past. To me, she represents my future happiness and I will do my best to make her happy....

Horrible headache now.... maybe due to the lack of sleep or just plain fatigue.... Got to go to bed early tonight.

Don't cry, dear. I know you have me in your heart. I promise that I won't disappoint you.

Alone

Tonight feels kind of like those that I had experienced in the past.... one of being alone and nothing to do. Princess is out with friends and I am home alone doing things that I have not really done in a while, like watching TV for instance. Really, it's been quite a period since I had last watch any MediaCorp serial from start till end.

Wonder how life would become (again) if Princess is not in my life? Probably I will really leave Singapore for somewhere else because I feel bored here.... Or it is bored with my job? Just don't feel happy doing what I'm doing now because the work is never ending. No sense of satisfaction doing the same things over and over again. But frankly, other than knowing that I should not be in my current lifestyle, I don't have any idea where should I be or what I should be doing for a lifelong and satisfying job. Maybe teach? Maybe study again? Japan? Cash out and move away? No clear answers.

Lonely without Princess with me... Just had a shot of DOM and feeling some slight effect now. Maybe just switch off the lights and sleep and wait for another boring and unfulfilling day? Sigh, Princess is the only bright spot in my life now but still we have to stay apart until things become clearer with her parents.

Honestly, I will be stressed meeting her parents but got to start somewhere, don't I? There is no hiding from the fact that she can't just revolve around my life. I also need to be fair to her too. Always hate the "Meet Parents" sessions.... stressful.... but.....

Sleep....

Sunday

Well, I was "ridiculed" by my girlfriend for writing a crappy and worthless blog on Saturday..... Haha... I do admit it was short and straight to the point but I must be given credit for being concise, right?

Sigh, my dear dear will be leaving for job assignment the Monday after next so how do I keep in contact with her during her absence? Actually I don't quite know for sure. Long distance calls are at least $0.30 per minute which makes long chats almost impossible. If internet connection is not free then IM or Skype won't be cost-effective either. Besides, don't think it's convenient for her to lug her notebook to India either..... I still think an ultraportable or internet tablet is the best choice....

Had Japanese dinner at the Miramar this evening and my dear paid for it. Have to really, really thank her for being so generous with me..... Sometimes I still don't know why or what I did to deserve such a good girl like her... She really does shower me with all her love and I can most certainly see and feel it, in more ways than one. Really, this is really a gem of a girl.....

She brought up the point of studying in Japan. Honestly, this has been one of my dreams for ages as I have long been a fan of the Japanese language and its culture. However, looking at where I am right now, would it be appropriate (or too late) for me to even consider it? Appropriate in the sense that I am not exactly very young and I have dear dear to think about. Maybe alternatively, I can do it locally if it is indeed available. In my mind, I am very sure if I have this additional linguistic advantage, I will be able to find work with companies that need this additional edge in their staff. At worst, I can find some adminstrative position when I am no longer working in my current capacity as a QA manager.....