Dreaming of better days....

It has been a while since I have actually sat down in front of the computer and wrote things about myself.

It is a given that when I am given time and space to think and reflect, I have always realised that I am not too happy a person. I still live a lot in the past because I was much, much happier in the past and unfortunately that past has gone by me for decades..... When I first tried to put words to paper, or blog in this case about my past, I chose to reminiscent about my childhood and teenage years because those were the most carefree years that I have. Yes, the family was doing well but I was still just a poor boy inside a well-to-do family and therefore never had the money to buy things for myself. Whatever luxury I managed to enjoyed was only through whatever generosity that my dad was willing to trickle down to me and that was few and far in between. So what was it that makes me think so much of the past? Before 16-year old, I was just me, the way I want to be. Just doing the simple things, going to school, meeting friends, going home after school, just daydreaming, doing homework. Life was easier and simpler then and being a grown-up really sucks for me.

Maybe I am sprouting nonsense now because of all the stress that I get from work but truly, I just feel life is such a chore for me nowadays. I always wonder why I am always on the wrong end of the stick. I always need to put in the most hours and need to carry a sizable load. These are things that I hate because I am deprived of time for myself to sit back and be myself. I really miss those days when weekends are truly weekends for me, so much so that I may just sleep through the whole day and do nothing and with zero thoughts about work or studies.

I just missed those occasions whereby my mind is totally blank of work related stuff.... totally blank. The closest in recent months was probably when I was in Taiwan? Don't know.....

Should I just resign and force myself to find myself again? What happens if I end up without a decent job for the rest of my life? What then? Or should I just go study? Or a sabbatical? Man, sometimes I am truly jealous of those people who can live life doing what they want. Not necessarily about luxury but just living life and the feeling of being alive. Nowadays I always feel so dead....

Sigh.... Yup, dreaming of better days.

Ha.... Reading what I have written so far, I really think I am going crazy.... just writing nonsense.

Delighted

Dear told me that her parents won't object even if we can't get married in church. That is a relief as it has been hanging on my mind for a while now. Hopefully, I can save enough money to buy a house and then start a new life with my love.

Money.... that is the necessary evil but one that I am lacking for the long-term too..... Sigh, just have to work till 80 years old I guess.

All the Ds...

I really need to be more disciplined and determined in my work and life. During the weekend, although I did manage to do work but the output is not as much as I wanted it to be. Sigh, maybe I am becoming lazy and complacent.

I just hope that when the next weekend comes around, I can be even better and raise my output by another 100% at least.

Or else it is the other D.....Die....

Determination

This last 6 months or so have been a struggle for me, especially work. I have gone through many a nights worrying and stressed over work and really wanting to give up. Unfortunately, that feeling still lingers as much as it did months ago. I really don't understand the meaning of life and why I have to go through all these agonies just so to have "food on the table". Yes, the pay is considered very good and does provide me a comfortable style of living (if I choose so) but frankly, I don't know what I am giving up in the process.

I long for the day when I can happily wake up in the morning, go into the office feeling good, and leaving the office knowing that I will look forward to the next one...... One can always look on the bright side and hope.

The feeling of despair and resignation....

I really felt the whole world had collasped on me this afternoon..... At the point when I cried, I just had this sense of despair and resignation that I never had in my life, more than anything else. Within myself, I just felt that the only thing that I thought I have control over, the thing that I thought I am very sure about, the one thing that would not forsake me, left me. I was so emotionally drained that I just questioned why I am still want to live. Through the years, my quality of life has deteriorated until a point that at 42-years old, I am still struggling to secure a retirement nest. How sad that is.

Yes, true, my predicament is no way as bad as and can never be as bad as the African boy but we are in different worlds and have different set of problems. Compared to him, no one in this country will be worst off than him but yet I still have to face my difficulties regardless of whether I am in a better position or not. I know it is not worth it but I still have to deal with it in whatever way that I can....

Tired... sleep... hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Futureless?

Wanted to (finally) blog again tonight but spent more than 10 minutes trying to change the default language on my blog page. What a waste of time.....

My dear just said I don't mind getting scolded by my boss..... Sigh... I don't? I wish I can just resign on the spot.

And yes, I will propose. I better do this else I will be nagged at for the rest of my life....

Tired.....

Feeling very tired today.... In fact, really very exhausted this last couple of days so much so that I feel like going to sleep immediately but I think I should at least greet my dear "Happy Birthday" before anyone else.

Wonder why I am so tired. Health deteriorating? Stressed out by work? Too much activities? Not sure but I really mean it when I say that I am exhausted.... Even my back is giving up on me. Gosh, one really feels vulnerable when things are not going right.

Got to shower first then rest....