Dreaming of better days....

It has been a while since I have actually sat down in front of the computer and wrote things about myself.

It is a given that when I am given time and space to think and reflect, I have always realised that I am not too happy a person. I still live a lot in the past because I was much, much happier in the past and unfortunately that past has gone by me for decades..... When I first tried to put words to paper, or blog in this case about my past, I chose to reminiscent about my childhood and teenage years because those were the most carefree years that I have. Yes, the family was doing well but I was still just a poor boy inside a well-to-do family and therefore never had the money to buy things for myself. Whatever luxury I managed to enjoyed was only through whatever generosity that my dad was willing to trickle down to me and that was few and far in between. So what was it that makes me think so much of the past? Before 16-year old, I was just me, the way I want to be. Just doing the simple things, going to school, meeting friends, going home after school, just daydreaming, doing homework. Life was easier and simpler then and being a grown-up really sucks for me.

Maybe I am sprouting nonsense now because of all the stress that I get from work but truly, I just feel life is such a chore for me nowadays. I always wonder why I am always on the wrong end of the stick. I always need to put in the most hours and need to carry a sizable load. These are things that I hate because I am deprived of time for myself to sit back and be myself. I really miss those days when weekends are truly weekends for me, so much so that I may just sleep through the whole day and do nothing and with zero thoughts about work or studies.

I just missed those occasions whereby my mind is totally blank of work related stuff.... totally blank. The closest in recent months was probably when I was in Taiwan? Don't know.....

Should I just resign and force myself to find myself again? What happens if I end up without a decent job for the rest of my life? What then? Or should I just go study? Or a sabbatical? Man, sometimes I am truly jealous of those people who can live life doing what they want. Not necessarily about luxury but just living life and the feeling of being alive. Nowadays I always feel so dead....

Sigh.... Yup, dreaming of better days.

Ha.... Reading what I have written so far, I really think I am going crazy.... just writing nonsense.

Delighted

Dear told me that her parents won't object even if we can't get married in church. That is a relief as it has been hanging on my mind for a while now. Hopefully, I can save enough money to buy a house and then start a new life with my love.

Money.... that is the necessary evil but one that I am lacking for the long-term too..... Sigh, just have to work till 80 years old I guess.

All the Ds...

I really need to be more disciplined and determined in my work and life. During the weekend, although I did manage to do work but the output is not as much as I wanted it to be. Sigh, maybe I am becoming lazy and complacent.

I just hope that when the next weekend comes around, I can be even better and raise my output by another 100% at least.

Or else it is the other D.....Die....